Death by Dresser

Myth:  A man of many trades – a farmer, land speculator, writer, politician – Ethan Allen is best remembered as a patriot during the American Revolution.  Born in the colony of Connecticut, Allen would later lead a frontier life and become an integral part in the formation of the state of Vermont.  Due to several legal complications regarding land grants and the incursion of the colony of New York, Allen formed the Green Mountain Boys, a ragtag militia consisting of family members and locals.  As fate would have it, the Boys and Allen’s original intention of intimidation turned into a full-on assault against the British as tensions rose between the colonies and the British.  Sensing war was imminent, Allen and Boys captured Fort Ticonderoga located in present-day upstate New York in May of 1775.  Utilizing his momentum, Allen pushed forward and attempted to seize Montreal.  It failed.  Allen was captured by British authorities and wasn’t released until 1778 during a prisoner swap.  Immediately after his release, Allen rejoined his Boys in the fight for independence as a major general – not to mention a colonel in the Continental Army.  Ethan Allen was an extraordinary everyman, the embodiment of the American frontier mentality so crucial to the United States’ autonomy.

Fact:  When one mentions Ethan Allen, most laymen think of the delightful, albeit expensive, furniture company.  Most historians grimace at the thought of associating a hardscrabble American patriot with the living room of a junior vice president at a Fortune 500 company.  This connection, however, is by no means demeaning – quite the contrary.  Allen derived his military prowess from all things furniture-related.  As is custom today in Vermont, so was Allen’s proto-Vermont vehemently against the chopping down of Mother Earth’s trees.  Instead, Vermont took the high road and implemented the use of African slaves as pieces of furniture rather than obliterating God’s forests (fun fact: slavery was still legal in the territory, idiots).  Though due to the lack of black people in Vermont, as is still the problem today, white men often took turns “being” the coffee table.  And since Allen often entertained political acquaintances, it was his duty as host to provide his guests with comfortable seating by way his of brawny Vermont loins.  As the cloud of war hovered over the colonies, many colonists sympathetic to the cause were still wary to fight due to the British’s overwhelming numbers.  Guerilla warfare was often thrown out as a possibility, but many New Englanders rejected the idea as unmanly.  Allen proposed an idea that would allow the rebels to garner precious intel without sacrificing their already scarce numbers: pose as furniture in British headquarters, barracks, etc.  Allen had the training, now he had to only “side table” his way to victory.  A list of his five most daring and impressive intelligence missions is as follows: 1) Spent 12 hours as an ottoman at the home of British loyalist James Q. Cornworthy, 2) Lampshade, 3 hours, in a poorly lit British barracks in upstate New York, 3) Armoire at the governor’s mansion in Massachusetts (arm was ingeniously disguised as a corset), 4) Fireplace at Fort Ticonderoga (lasted about 5 seconds until he was set on fire, whereby he deemed it necessary to just take the fort), 5) 86 hours as a grandfather clock in General Cornwallis’ New York headquarters (completed 86 consecutive chimes complete with Beatles’ White Album soundtrack).  Allen was finally captured after sneezing while posing as a chaise lounge in Montreal.  In 1788, he was inadvertently released while pretending to be a manure crate aboard a British warship.  His intelligence proved beneficial; the rebels were able to avert British assaults with Allen’s sensitive information.  After the war, Allen never completely recovered from a soldier’s life, often falling asleep as his own bed.

We Three Kings

Myth:  The Biblical Magi, more commonly referred to as the Three Kings or the Three Wise Men, were a trio of priests of the Zoroastrianism strain – a quasi-scientific religion in which stars were perceived as portents.  Since the Bible, and Jesus’s life in particular, is ripe for wild speculation the actual historical accuracy of the actual event and who was involved is muddled.  However, Western Christian tradition holds that the Magi – Melchior, Caspar and Balthasar – came from the Orient, following the glow of the Star of Bethlehem en route to the birthplace of a new king of kings, Jesus Christ.  They bore gifts of frankincense, gold and myrrh as a tribute to an infant king, a king possibly capable of upending the current state of the world.  Speculation aside, it can be well assumed that the event was a special occasion marked by extreme reverence.  The Magi are said to have left Jesus’s birthplace and taken a different route so as to avoid the wrath of King Herod, who was in the process of implementing the mass murder of firstborn sons in order to avert the potential new king from taking his stead.  After that, the Magi are not referred to again in the Bible, but rather shrouded in a greater mystery than the book itself.  Though there is scant evidence, the Magi are still celebrated as an integral part of Christ’s birth through song, nativity scenes, and the like during Christmas and on the Epiphany.

Fact:  Once again, I delve into the controversial world of biblical history, but not in vain.  The Magi were indeed of flesh and blood, and as it was the first Christmas, the bar for gift giving was set very high.  The Magi were running late because Caspar, who was obsessively concerned with his social status, thought it was necessary to stop and pick up a bottle of pinot noir.  They had all agreed beforehand that gifts were out of the question because the newborn Jesus was an infant and had no need for material possessions.  But the purchase of the red wine sparked a debate as to whether they should rethink their original decision: did Jesus deserve at least a mobile for the manger?  Balthasar noted: “Once again, Caspar’s obsession with his status coupled with his anxiety made for last minute fuck-ups.  ‘What if Joseph doesn’t like me?  He’s going to be super protective of his wife guys…she’s a virgin.  I think some wine will buffer that for a while, but there are no good pinots of Nazareth.  Ewwww…a merlot!  Yeah, I’m going to buy a Nazarene merlot.’  And this incessant crap continued until we decided to stop off at a strip bazaar.”  A little peeved, both Balthasar and Melchior opted to stray from Caspar a bit and go into a Yankee Candle store at the other end of the Bazaar.  Caspar made a beeline for the Baby Bjorn Boutique.  Time was running thin, so Balthasar and Melchior each bought a 4 oz. candle – one frankincense and the other myrrh.  “Who doesn’t like a candle,” Melchior stated in earlier musings.  They arrived fashionably late, but just in time to witness the birth of Jesus.  All three Magi went down on bended knee in reverence and presented their gifts.  4 oz. frankincense Yankee Candle.  4 oz. myrrh Yankee Candle.  Yet as Caspar exhibited his gifts, a hush swept over the manger.  In one hand was the moderately, yet still delightful pinot noir and the in the other was a solid gold toy lawnmower complete with golden balls that fly around inside a transparent sphere when pushed.  Mary, later documenting the instance, noticed that both Balthasar and Melchior muttered “dick” simultaneously.  And as we all know, baby Jesus was just as powerful as adult Jesus (it is a universally held truth).  Incensed at the cheap and last-minute thought Balthasar and Melchior had put into their respective gifts, baby Jesus smote them on the spot and they fell dead to the ground.*  Caspar, though relieved his gifts were acceptable, quickly left the Christmas party, citing prior obligations with his stepdaughters as an excuse.  And so, the Magi were to be spoken of no more in the great tome that is the Bible.

*Baby Jesus was in reality extremely bratty and often used the “you’re not my real parents” argument to obtain what he wanted.

Talkin' Turkey

Myth:  Thanksgiving Day in America.  A time-honored celebration of goodwill and plentiful food is historically rooted in the colony town of Plymouth, Massachusetts.  Though there exist several theories – ranging from earlier festivals transpiring in Virginia to the Spanish celebrating a giving of thanks during the 16^th century in Florida – the common conception of pilgrims breaking away from the Church of England, traveling to America in search of religious freedom and their subsequent celebration of a good harvest and peace with the natives still holds sway.  In the year 1620, the Puritan seafarers aboard the famed Mayflower set foot on what would later be American soil.  The following year, these white settlers glorified their higher power and the benevolence of the local Wampanoag tribe, who aided the pilgrims in the teaching of fishing and planting techniques, by holding a proper feast around the fall harvest.  Sporadic attempts to replicate this contested “original” Thanksgiving were common in early 17^th century colonial New England, but it wasn’t until the late 17^th century that the feast became a common occurrence.  To put it simply, Thanksgiving Day owes its prominence to the blending of two cultures – native and colonial – and their similar practices of celebrating a bountiful harvest (European) and the end of the harvest season (native American).  All theories aside, the idea of honoring one’s bounty regardless of ethnic origin or class resonates most loudly during modern day Thanksgiving festivities.

Fact:  The first Thanksgiving did indeed occur at Plymouth in 1621 and it was a splendid occasion, marked most notably by the peaceful agreement between the two cultures on what the fare would be at such a feast.  The local native Americans, or Wampanoag, and the pilgrims seamlessly generated a meal that would satisfy all and offend no one: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, corn (or maize), cranberries and Sara Lee’s enviable pumpkin pie (Sara Lee was a 50-year-old pilgrim bachelorette who compensated for her homely nature and grand girth by making such delicacies).  The feast was a success for both political and cultural progress between the two factions, though the native Americans did outstay their welcome just a tad as they were passive aggressively kicked out of pilgrim territory at around 10:00 that evening.  Social faux-pas aside, it was agreed that a second Thanksgiving would occur on the same date the following year, but this time the Wampanoag would host the event.  The pilgrims passed the time and lost their Thanksgiving weight of 1621 by partaking in the classic post-holiday exercise of “getting the shit scared out of them during Sunday services by the fire and brimstone pastor and then fleeing.”  The name of the exercise was later shortened to running.  A year passed and weight was lost, and so the second annual Thanksgiving was nigh.  The pilgrims loaded into their carts, or Dutch Sedans as they were called, and set off for the Wampanoag village on Thanksgiving Day.  The air was charged with the excitement for the feast to come.  All sat down on the rustic benches, as the Wampanoag began circulating the day’s fare.  A John Dartmouth Plain described his reaction following the daily prayer: “I lifted my head after giving thanks to my Lord only to find a side of stuffing, my favorite of last year’s morsels mind you, dotted with bits of apricot.  Let me repeat myself.  Apricots.  Are you fucking kidding me!  Oh Lord, forgive my language, but you, the most high, must know that such a transgression with Thanksgiving fare be a blasphemy.”  Mr. Plain was upset indeed, but that was just the beginning.  The governor of the Massachusetts colony was supposed to carve the turkey that macabre evening, but he would only find a plate of lasagna to square off and give to his enraged constituents.  The pilgrims flew into a fury.  The Wampanoag were in shock and could not understand why such animosity filled their village, for they “only wanted to try something different this year.”  Before leaving, the governor looked the Wampanoag chief directly in the eye and said, “A wrath will come upon your people for such insolence.”  Some historians believe that wrath did come, lasted a bit too long, and may have even crossed the line.

Wag the Dog

Myth:  Benjamin Franklin was an Ambassador to France, inventor, postmaster, politician, theorist, satirist, deist, scientist and author, among many other notable professions.  He was a brilliant man who advocated a virtuous lifestyle, and yet lived contrarily at times as a playboy and partaking in all things lascivious.  Father of an illegitimate child and rabid supporter of liberty and equality, Franklin was a complex man with even more complicated views and perspectives.  All this being said, he was a man of the people and was a vital component to the success of the American Revolution and subsequent establishment of a grand new republic.  Respected by most, he died at the old age of 84 in 1790, leaving behind a legacy that would catapult him to the status of legend.  The bald politician, with his famed bespectacled countenance flanked by soft locks flowing from his temples, was a main catalyst during the excitement and transformation that defined 18^th century colonial, revolutionary, and post-revolutionary America.

Fact:  In my previous volume, my readers were shaken and awed by the fact that George Washington was nothing but a piece of lumber.  And now I must, with a sense of duty to the clouded world that is American History, unmask the true nature of yet another Founding Father.  Once more, the sick and twisted mind of John Adams was the puppeteer behind the life of another American icon – Benjamin Franklin.  Originally born under the single name of “Benji” to a mother and seven siblings locked in a steel cage in the living room of the Adams’ household, Benji was destined for greatness as he exhibited extreme intelligence compared to his siblings.  But one may first ask: “What monster would lock a woman and her children in a steel cage?”  I would simply respond, “A man with dogs.”  That’s right, Benjamin Franklin was nothing but a dog.  Look at the one hundred dollar bill the next chance you get, and look closely.  Bald head, wispy hair at the sides and a pair of tiny spectacles – it is a classic case of a cocker spaniel wearing glasses.  Franklin was a purebred American buff cocker spaniel.  Adams often brought Franklin with him to the Continental Congress meetings and sat him on his lap.  Most thought the spaniel to be the distinguished face of an accomplished old man needing the assistance of a fellow friend, but Adam’s does record a close call when cocky John Hancock grilled Adams on the true nature of his trusted “lapdog”: “Hey Adams, I’m on to you, you stout little shit.  Most of these ruffians will kowtow to your suggestions and political maneuvers because of Franklin’s cute face.  No one can turn down the face of a spaniel.  Yeah, he’s not deaf my dear sir, he just simply cannot respond…because he’s just a dog!”  Adams was in a tight space, but what Hancock didn’t know was that Adams was an accomplished ventriloquist, often appearing as headliner at Ye Olde Improv on Saturday nights.  So, out of nowhere, a gruff old voice seemed to emanate from Franklin’s mouth: “How dare you, sir!  Call me a dog, will you.  I am but a poor old man who has more intellect and tenacity than the entirety of this congregation.”  Hancock, stunned, apologized profusely and gingerly patted Franklin on the head before leaving with his tail between his legs.  Adams did most of the speaking on the behalf of Benji, but once Franklin was appointed Ambassador to France Adams had no choice but to stay behind.  Though this seemed like a disaster in the making, Adams knew the French wouldn’t suspect a thing since the French politicians regularly ate voraciously and humped each other’s legs at political dinners.  And in 18^th century France, actions spoke louder than words.  Benji did not disappoint as the spaniel humped his way to high status among the French statesmen, earning him the reputation of playboy that we all know Franklin as today.  Adams had masterfully wagged the dog and diverted attention from the canine inclinations of Benji, utilizing Franklin’s puppyish nature to woo statesmen to do his biddings.

Greek Olives

Myth:  A grossly outnumbered Athenian army defeated a massive Persian force at the Battle of Marathon in 490 B.C.  More interestingly, the modern concept of the marathon  – a grueling 26.2-mile foot race – directly stemmed from the news reaching the Athenians that their men had held the day.  Legend states that Pheidippides, a Greek runner and messenger, ran without stopping from Marathon to Athens to announce that the Athenians were victorious.  The approximately 25-mile run so exhausted Pheidippides that he collapsed and died shortly after proclaiming the good news.  Men such as Pheidippides were a unique species among men.  Greek messengers faced innumerable dangers, including passing through hostile territory, thus they had to exhibit great stamina and strength in order to fulfill their arduous duties.

Fact:  Pheidippides was not the most modest of men; one might even say he was a dick.  At a young age Pheidippides enjoyed the limelight as an esteemed Greek messenger, boasting some of the fastest times between Greek city-states.  But fate soon intervened and the indomitable Pheidippides was diagnosed with Olivepititis, or testicular cancer in modern English (a Greek man’s “olive pits” were of the utmost importance to his manhood).  Though Pheidippides was struck down by such a demoralizing affliction, he recovered over a period of several years, ultimately avowing that he would return to his status as a premier messenger.  His wife and family had suffered with him, but true to his nature, Pheidippides maintained his cocky and affected attitude – some accounts even attest that he surpassed his original narcissism after the cancer subsided.  Despite his boorish behavior, the masses still lauded the return of their champion messenger.  Pheidippides realized that his admirers could be exploited – severely so.  As pita bread was such a highly prized fixture of Athenian culture, Pheidippides decided to capitalize on his new identity by taking strips of Athenian gold (pita bread) and soaking it in saffron.  The result: a yellow band of wheat that could be tied around one’s wrist – homage to the returned “hero.”  Pheidippides made a fortune off this scheme.  He became so self-involved that he even divorced his loving wife who had supported him during his illness for a woman more akin to the goddess Hera (Fun Fact: Hera was actually a popular stripper name at the time, much like Misty is today).  Not long after he started courting the famous wooden piper, Sherylonos Cronus, he parted with her as well.  After his triumphant run from Marathon to Athens, Pheidippides’ luck ran out.  Though legend states that he died on that day, his death was merely metaphorical – the death of his integrity.  Other messengers began coming forward, informing the public that Pheidippides had been, ever since his first message, eating the hoof of a lamb.  And if you are versed in the classics, you are well aware that “lamb hoofing” was condemned as a performance-enhancing activity by the Athenian Sprinting Symposium, or ASS.  Pheidippides still owned the rights to the pita bands, but his reputation had been sullied.  He was nothing more than a dick above a single olive pit.

LOST

Myth:  On July 4^th, 1584, English explorers reached the shores of Roanoke Island with intended plan of constructing a permanent settlement in present-day Dare County, North Carolina.  Chartered by Queen Elizabeth I and expedited by Sir Walter Raleigh, the first set of seafarers met the exotic native tribes – the Secotans and Croatans – inhabiting the area, taking two Croatans back to England in order to better establish knowledge of and relations with the area.  The first settlement was anything but fruitful.  Colonists were unaware of their surroundings, oblivious to the necessary agricultural techniques that flourished in such a milieu, and even managed to pick a fight (resulting in the burning of a nearby indigenous village) with the local natives over a supposed stolen silver cup.  The colony was perpetually in need of supplies, still Raleigh financed yet another expedition in 1587, this time led by one John White, to bolster the already dwindling English population with another 150 colonists.  White, newly appointed governor of Virginia, was asked by his fellow colonists to return to England in order to explain the dire situation regarding tensions with natives and lack of supplies.  White left in late 1587 promising to return the next year, but because of setbacks caused by the demoralizing Anglo-Spanish War, White was unable to return until August of 1590 – an interminable three years later.  After landing White and his crew found the colony deserted, only coming across the inscription of the word Croatan carved into the side of the garrison.  Many theories abound as to the disappearance of the 115 colonists that remained when White originally left, ranging from slaughter by natives to starvation to drowning at sea.  It has been aptly deemed the “Lost Colony” ever since.

Fact:  This is an instance when history enters the dangerous realm of speculation – that is to say for most incompetent historians.  Recently discovered documents from Southern England, most likely an early form of newspaper, notes the return of six survivors from the ship Oceana (a DC-747 tall ship) in 1593.  The Oceana was still under the command of one John White.  Not much was written regarding the miraculous return of the six from the Lost Colony for one particular reason: the John White who helmed the original voyage in 1587 had passed away in 1891 (it must be emphasized that 80% of the English population in 1593 was named John White).  From 1400 to 1910, the John White Phenomenon generated massive confusion amid England’s historical events.  Simply put, no one seemed to care because thousands of others flocking to England had a connection with one John White or another.  But here’s where the pieces come together: there were two notable persons among the six survivors – a Dr. Matthew Foxxe (there were only two doctors present in England in 1893, as one had to not kill a patient in order to be considered a doctor) and a Mr. Hurley Sideburn (the famed 1584 winner of the Win a Lifetime Supply of Haggis Sweepstakes).  When researching the historical record all seems good and well until I came to the year 1895, as both of the survivors seemed to vanish into thin air, once again.  No death notices were present; no more haggis was being delivered to Mr. Sideburn’s countryside chateau; and surgical patients’ mortality rate was back to 100%.  Since the Roanoke colony was still a sore subject for those privy to the prior expeditions, not much of a fuss was made over Mr. Sideburn and Dr. Foxxe’s return trip to the island.  That’s right, a one-way boarding pass still exists with the names of our two phantoms regarding a trip aboard the Oceana to Roanoke Island (this time under the command of John White’s grandson, John White).  Why return to the place that almost took your life, the island that took the lives of 144 of your fellow countrymen?  This is where my authority as a historian runs dry and I dare not enter the perilous world of speculation.  But it must be stated that upon leaving Dr. Foxxe left behind a diary, which reported the following: “I am unclear as to my motives, but I do believe it is in the best interest of all.  Even if the great Croatan Smoke Monster rears its ugly head once more, or if the chief who doth not age and wears too much mascara attempts to kill our kind, we shall persevere.”

*I have only seen two episodes of this supposed great show entitled "Lost," but someone at ABC must have his/her PhD in Colonial American Studies.  I am not a fan.

The Tribe Vs. The Titanic

Myth:  Its history and lore have been imagined and re-imagined – even inspiring one of the highest grossing movies of all time.  It is a stark reminder that all things are not impervious; that we all have weaknesses.  The RMS Titanic, the largest passenger steamship at the time, sunk in the early morning hours on April 15, 1912, after striking an iceberg four days into its voyage.  Owned by the esteemed White Star Line company, the Titanic was said to be unsinkable; a behemoth of a boat that set sail on her maiden voyage from Southampton, England, churning its way to her final destination of New York City.  Fate intervened, and of the original 2,223 passengers on board, 1,517 people (mostly men) perished in the icy waters of the North Atlantic.  It is one of the deadliest peacetime shipwrecks in the annals of history, and its name continues to be synonymous with disaster.

Fact:  The sinking of the Titanic was not accidental, rather it was a premeditated act of revenge – best served cold, icy cold.  First, one must accept the historical fact that the Titanic was not a pleasure ship as most assume.  There was no intermingling of classes, races and creeds on the famed ship.  Contrarily, the Titanic housed more than 2,000 souls of pure Aryan descent.  Secondly, one needs to look no further than the name of the Titanic’s mother company: White Star Line.  White Star Line – a none too subtle appellation – had stricken fear in all sailors, pleasure boaters, and even pirates, not of the glorious white race since its inception in 1876.  White Star Line had built the maritime arm of the ever-present white supremacist movement.  Finally, students of history may see a trend in the Line’s attacks on unsuspecting victims when analyzed closely.  The majority of seaborne attacks were obviously directed at the Lox fisherman, most of whom operated in the Jewish waters of the North Sea (where a mensch could pull out pure smoked lox by the dozens with his bare hands).  Another primary target were the Catholics, generally fishing for live communion hosts around the Tierra del Fuego – an arduous task as each host had to be shucked from the infamous thorny-crowned mussel.  This last group, forgotten as an enemy of the steamship company time and time again, was the mastermind behind the ingenious, and heroic, attack on the “Great White Shark.”  They were the humble people of Northern Canada – the Inuits (or Eskimos if you’re racist).  Oh, and did the white supremacist movement of the early 20^th century hate them ever so!  Hanz Alabaster of Whitecream, Prussia wrote a fiery rant regarding the Inuit people just prior to his boarding the Titanic: “I have slain the people of Israel, chewed the head off of the Popery, but by God, I have yet to harpoon myself a butterfly-kissing Eskimo.  It is an abomination that they make a profit from desecrating pure vanilla ice cream by dousing it in chocolate.  A despicable interracial marriage for the mere purpose of creating the bastard Klondike Bar.”  In the early morning hours on April 15, 1912, an Inuit fleet of some 2,000 kayaks waited anxiously, quietly as the hate-filled Titanic chugged forward.  Moments later, a barrage of Klondike Bars and seals (the Inuit were adept at hurling live seals) peppered the right side of the Titanic.  The combination of vanilla ice cream, milk chocolate, and seals slung at starboard created a gaping hole in the exposed side of the ocean liner.  The Titanic sank within minutes, as white bigots drowned in a brackish chocolate mixture.  What would you do for a Klondike Bar?  The Inuits would kill some proto-Nazis.

Cross-Dressing in the Name of Country

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The Communist Manifesto: Corrected Edition

Myth:  Karl Marx, born to an upper middle-class family in what is now present-day Germany, was, and continues to be, one of the most influential sociologists in modern history.  Living during the 19^th century, Marx experienced the effects of dramatic industrial expansion, the rise of a wealthy merchant class and the subjugation of an entire working-class populace.  In his most famous work, The Communist Manifesto, Marx highlights the fact that all societies are struggles between classes.  In it, he is a strong opponent of the ruling upper echelons of society, believing them to be a collective, selfish bourgeoisie that benefited from the unfair practices of capitalism.  Under his theory of socialism, or later known as Marxism, the working-class – or proletariat – would rebel and revolt, turning the current paradigm on its head.  The dictatorship of the working classes would soon give rise to a stateless, communistic entity, in which the people would work for the whole of society and share the benefits of their toils.  Marxism today has found its way into many societal facets, ranging from healthcare to pure political thought, and spanning the globe from Cuba to Europe.

Fact:  Karl Marx was indeed born into a wealthy family, and he attended both the prestigious University of Boon and esteemed University of Berlin.  Ironically, Marx suffered a nervous breakdown during a senior year course on the philosophy of political economies.  The onset of schizophrenia was quick and crippling.  However, as this was the last course of the year and graduation was imminent, it went unnoticed by his friends and family, simply believing he was thrilled to be done with his studies.  A tragically comedic passage from a friend’s diary underscores Marx’s detachment from society:  “Ol’ Marxy ran through the crowd and received his diploma wearing just a handkerchief around his left ankle, slapped the Chancellor with his penis and then ran through the streets.  Oh what a joyous prank!  So like him.”  In reality, Marx was manic.  Shortly after graduation, Marx told his parents he was working in Paris as a philosopher, though in reality he was living under the Eiffel Tower with all his belongings contained in a Nutella jar.  He was homeless.  And he looked the part – beard unkempt and shocks of hair flying in all directions.  But, he did write.  The writings, however, were accounts of his daily life of begging and conspiracy theories that he mulled over night after night.  The title itself of The Communist Manifesto points to Marx’s insanity.  Since his spelling had suffered since the breakdown, Marx had meant to title the piece The Come You Nist, Manifest You, “Nist” of course the German word for she-devil.  He was perpetually afraid of a she-devil that was apparently hunting him around the city of Paris, and in defense, Marx often wore a tinfoil cap to keep his thoughts from this she-devil.  The large, new factories sprouting up all over the European landscape frightened poor Marx, which is why he aimed most of his animosity toward capitalism and the rise of what he called, “Towers of Fire.”  The “Nist” often breathed fire onto her enemies in old German lore.  What scholars describe as the lower classes, or proletariat, was actually a massive miscommunication on Marx’s part.  Again, Marx meant to say “Bro, litter,” roughly translating to “Bro, any garbage you could give me because I’m hungry.”  But, philosophers still believed him to be a genius; a genius in the guise of a tin hat-wearing, conspiracy theorist.  So, all of you Marxists out there, you’re actually following the writings of a man constantly on the run from a she-devil and her towers of fire, living under the Eiffel Tower to deter any mind-reading by the infamous Nist, and asking Bros for litter and hot dogs.

Hamilton vs. Burr: Circle Jerking

Myth:  The Burr-Hamilton duel is one of the greatest feuds in American history, spanning decades and rivaling the likes of the Hatfields and McCoys.  Alexander Hamilton, former Secretary of the Treasury, and Aaron Burr, the incumbent Vice President, had had a long, bitter history dating back to 1791.  Hamilton, a fervent Federalist – that is a supporter of a strong centralized government – felt Burr was a wily, deceitful creature of Democratic-Republican stock, that is to say one against the centralized powers of government.  After much bickering between the two, tensions came to a head when Hamilton swayed Congress to vote in Jefferson during the deadlocked 1800 presidential elections since Hamilton believed Jefferson was the lesser of two-evils when compared to Burr.  Following an incriminating account, in print mind you, Burr rashly challenged Hamilton to a duel.  Though dueling was outlawed in the state of New Jersey, the men met on July 11, 1804, in Weehawken, New Jersey in the early morning hours.  True to his word that he would not fire at Burr, Hamilton shot at a tree, while Burr took dead aim at his nemesis and mortally wounded Hamilton.  Alexander Hamilton died the next day after hours of agonizing pain.

Fact:  First and foremost, dueling with pistols had long been outlawed in the United States after the ratification of the Constitution, and a more egalitarian approach had been set in motion to coincide with the egalitarian ideals of the new Republic.  This is not to say that the Burr-Hamilton feud was not real – it most certainly was – but the actual “pistol” duel did in fact never take place.  As early as 1790, several new methods of dueling to settle matters of honor and saving face were enacted – methods that would most certainly not result in death, but still satisfy its practitioners.  Thomas Jefferson was the first to compile a more democratic and civilized, albeit flamboyant, guide to dueling in his famous Jefferson’s Guide To Dueling Without Bloodshed, Except If They Are Of Indian Descent, Then It’s Totally Kosher To Kill Them & Birdwatching Techniques.  The title was later shortened.  The first five methods are a telltale sign of America’s yearning to create a more equal and humane republic:  1) Breast Bunching (a precursor to the Tittie Twister that would abound in schools of later years, 2) Shin Kicking (John Adam’s preferred method, 3) The Quaker Quiet (a method where two combatants would sit in a Quaker house and try to not say anything for hours on end, and the first to fart, cough, or speak would lose), 4) I’ve Got Your Head (usually used for minor feuds, where combatants would attempt to pull off the powdered wig of his opponent, and 5) Circle Dueling (considered to be the most democratic of all the methods, this was generally undertaken during stressful Senate hearings when men needed to let out aggression.  A circle was created whereupon a chain of slapping with gloves ensued until the circle was complete.  It was a precursor to the Circle Jerk of Fraternity Houses of later years).  As harmless and egalitarian as these methods may seem, there were some weak points.  Most notably, the Circle Duel would end in one man unable to slap the man who had initiated the slapping, leaving him testier than before.  On July 11, 1804, a seemingly routine Circle Duel went awry when the last man slapped was none other than Aaron Burr, and by the glove of his nemesis, of Alexander Hamilton.  Burr, incensed because he had run out of slapping room, slapped Hamilton back, directly in the eye.  Hamilton’s eye grew to the size of a walnut and was extremely bloodshot.  Unable to see, Hamilton stumbled into Burr’s holstered pistol, inadvertently firing it at his chest.  Hamilton passed away due to a Circle Jerk gone awry.

The Incredible Polish Hulk

Myth:  Marie Curie, the notable Polish-French physicist and chemist, is most widely known for her theory of radioactivity and the discovery of two new elements:  polonium and radium.  She was the first female professor at the University of Paris, the first to win two Nobel Prizes – one in physics and one in chemistry, mind you – and sadly, she died the age of 66 due to consistent exposure to her life’s work, radioactive elements.  Her earlier papers are said to be too radioactive to even handle, a predicament that came to fruition because of the unknown harmful consequences of radioactivity at the time.  Marie is, and still remains, the only woman to be entombed at the Pantheon in Paris solely based on her own merits.

Fact:  Undoubtedly a brilliant physicist and chemist, Marie is still painted as a tragic figure, ironically dying because of her life’s work.  Again, most scientific historians agree that the effects of radiation were unknown at the time, and therefore very lax safety measures were enacted.  This may be true for the majority of Curie’s scientific counterparts, but Marie was already well aware of radiations negative effects – as well as the positive effects.  She was a Pole.  And all Poles are born with an innate defense against radioactivity.  The centuries of the mismatching outfits, putting pink flamingos out on their lawns and a deep penchant for Casio watches, all provided a societal shield to all things gaudy.  And since radioactivity is the pinnacle of gaudiness, it seems only fitting that Dr. Curie would be the one to discover it.  In her diary she noted, “Radioactivity presents a large display of colors, iridescent glows, much akin to the glow of my bedazzled wedding dress I purchased at Sir Kryryryryryrryryrryrywwwwwski’s Palace of Hand-Me-Downs – it is truly a wondrous thing!”  Not only did Curie carry the Polish genetic trait that allowed one to deflect radioactivity, but she carried the lesser know trait that enabled a Pole to absorb the powers of radioactivity and unleash them upon an unsuspecting world.  She could reassemble a Casio calculator watch in seconds, could see the filling of a pierogi without slicing into it (unfortunately, her x-ray vision only applied to food items), and she could gain a massive ten pounds – large weight compared to her emaciated Polish countrymen – and smash men like they were stuffed cabbages.  This last power, characterized by a sudden gain in muscle, the shredding of her blouse and the morphing into a frightening, polka-dotted monster, changed the trajectory of history (much like the later Incredible Hulk, but much less sinister and cheaper and Polish in appearance).  Nevertheless, well into her forties, she was called upon during World War I to slay the menacing Kaiser Wilhelm II and end that atrocious war.  Curie thrashed her way into his bunker, and as a barrage of cabbage and the awful glow of pink polka dots blinded Wilhelm, Curie was able to plant one last pink flamingo into the skull of the Kaiser.  The Polish may not be known for the their fighting prowess, but it only took one feeble, old Pole, Marie Curie, to the end The Great War. 

Quaker Oats Onslaught

Myth:  Independence Day.  The 4^th of July.  The most honored, beloved and celebrated day in the 235-year history of the United States of America.  On that day in 1776, colonists representing their respective states became Americans as they signed the Declaration of Independence, betraying their former mother, the great British Empire.  After years of taxation without representation in British Parliament, unjust practices by British officials, perpetual exploitation and constant rejection of self-government, the Americans took the plunge into the unknown.  However, there was definitely one certainty – war.  After seven years of fighting, the Americans won their freedom in 1783.  Greatly influenced by the French and Scottish Enlightenments, the newly formed United States of America was about to execute one of the greatest political experiments in modern history.

Fact:  Historians will invariably point to various instances that sparked the American Revolution, namely taxation and the stifled voices of colonists in Parliament.  These circumstances definitely vexed the American colonists, but not to the point of treason.  No, there was a much more insidious factor flowing through the political canals – factors coming from inside the colonies.  Those supposed pacifists, those compassionate people of Pennsylvania, those Quakers, were in actuality a nefarious gang of conniving cutthroats.  The Society of Friends darkly referred to themselves as The Society of Fiends.  The Stamp Act.  The Tea Tax.  These were minor difficulties compared to the devastating Oatmeal Tax of 1771.  And if it’s one thing the Quakers profit from and hoard more of than anything else, it’s oatmeal.  Gold was a worthless commodity in this day, but it were those delicious Quaker Oats that went for highest sterling.  The Quakers knew that this high-fiber breakfast, packed with essential vitamins and minerals, was a cheap and brainpower-strengthening alternative to the gruel that most colonists and Britons ate for breakfast.  As the old motto went:  Gruel makes one Gruesome, but Oatmeal makes one Outstanding (Thomas Jefferson had this classic motivational poster hanging in his dorm room at William & Mary). The problem was that the Quakers had a monopoly on the Oatmeal trade, so British Parliament spurned them by implementing the Oatmeal Tax.  After 1771, the Quakers could see their fortunes waning.  No money for their silent orgy meetings.  No money for the annual Quaker dwarf throw.  No more Quaker Oats Queefing Contest (yes, they were a truly sick people).  They did dip into their own supply, so their wit and wile went untarnished, while the rest of the colonists became dumber after resorting back to gruel.  This is the time it is said that Benjamin Franklin flew a kite and key during a thunderstorm.  He wasn’t attempting to detect electricity, but rather had been eating gruel for breakfast, and therefore was simply being an idiot.  The Quakers formed the Continental Congress where they influenced their dumbed-down counterparts to believe that no representation and a few taxes were worth the price of treason.  By signing the Declaration of Independence, the Quakers were again free to peddle their golden oats without penalty.  They sat back as their American brethren shed blood for God and country.  Take away a Quaker’s oatmeal and he will stab you in the kidney.

Slut for Socialism

 

Myth:  The Russian Revolution, the comprehensive term for a period of great tumult and change in Russia, namely in 1917, eventually led to a Soviet Russia and the toppling of the centuries-old rule of the Tsars.  The massive slaughter of Russians during World War I, an unruly peasant class, a yearning for democratic involvement in government and a cataclysmic industrial boom all foreshadowed a great revolution for the Russian people.  Led by the charismatic Vladimir Lenin, the Bolsheviks (or socialist/communist party), eventually held sway after a bloody civil war between the conservative Nicholas II and the Tsarists, and later the Provisional Government, ended in 1922.  A communist Russia was born – the Soviet Union – which would last for nearly 80 years.

Fact:  The idea of an oppressed Russian populace eager for change under the thumb of the Nicholas II is an utter fallacy.  The populace was, to put it shortly, fairly wealthy.  Suburbs were sprouting up all around metropolises like Moscow and St. Petersburg.  Whole Foods were emerging with the help of local farming from the “peasant class” – a class that was, in fact, peasant by name only.  They were reaping large profits from their Whole Foods sales – mostly from Certified Organic Borscht, or COB – while simultaneously maintaining their peasant Russian identity.  As late as 1910, Lenin was living in a 4 bedroom, 3 ½ bath McMansion in the outskirts of St. Petersburg, a little subdivision called White Willow Cossack Village.  His children even attended a private Montessori school.  Lenin, however, felt what most of Russia was feeling during this time of great prosperity under the Tsars:  A loss of one’s Russianness.  What did it mean to be Russian?  Well, for Lenin, it meant living in dark, squalid conditions, drinking as much vodka as humanly possible, wearing at least two gold chains at all times, and most of all, being as creepy and guttural to outsiders as possible.  So, in this sense, the spark of the Russian Revolution was not economic or political, but rather a deep-seated desire to fulfill past stereotypes.  Lenin made his first large step toward social change when he looked in the mirror and saw a pathetic Russian complete with perm, sideburns and puka shell necklace.  He defiantly shaved his head, obliterated his sideburns and sculpted a devilish mustache/goatee combo – the image of Lenin we all know.  At an early Bolshevik meeting, Leon Trotsky remembered Lenin well because of his tenacious support of The Cause.  “I had come to the meeting with my favorite drink in hand, a sparkling orange Pellegrino, knowing that it would be a lengthy affair.  Only steps in the room and Lenin swats my Pellegrino to the ground and starts barking, ‘If you want to be carefree, whistling Italian, so be it, but you will never be welcome here.’  From that moment on, I knew we had a chance, and more importantly, I started griping about Russia’s brown water and took to the vodka bottle.  I was now a true brooding Russian.”  Lenin attracted the majority of Russia with this call to stereotyping.  No more Whole Foods.  There would now only be one brand of soda – and it would most definitely suck.  Only one brand of car, one brand of pickles, one brand of shampoo, and yes, they would all suck.  Lenin had utilized Marx and socialism as a way to change the social and cultural tastes of Russia, not the government and economy.  The economy and government would just follow suit.  And that suit would be Gloomy Grey, the style and color of suit Lenin started buying at Backwards RMart (The Soviet equivalent of TJ Maxx).

Marco! Polo!

Myth:  Marco Polo, a merchant from the Venetian Republic, is best known as one of the first Europeans to travel and document his extensive journeys into Central Asia and parts of China during the 13^th and 14^th centuries.  A friend of the court of Khan – leaders of the Mongol Empire – Polo was able to convey the rich cultural, and more importantly, mercantile, richness these mysterious Eastern lands had to offer.  After a 24-year journey through the Orient, Polo returned to Venice to find the city besieged and at war with Genoa, whereupon he was quickly imprisoned.  He dictated his tales of wonder and wealth to his cellmate until his release in 1299, after which he became a wealthy merchant, husband and father of three until his death in 1324.  Polo’s pioneering and exploring spirit directly influenced the likes of Christopher Columbus, imbuing him with a sense that anything is possible with a spark of curiosity.

Fact:  The swimming pool game “Marco Polo,” a game played by numerous youths during the long and humid days of summer, is rooted in historical fact.  As most medievalists know, the next worst thing to being a rapist, was having the affliction of blindness – a disease believed to be associated with the devil, for one can only see darkness.  Marco Polo was, in fact, blind.  After a traditional Venetian meal of spaghetti and all-you-can-eat breadsticks, Polo is said to have to traveled for miles, groping for a napkin, finally snagging the holy vestments of the Venetian Bishop and wiping marinara on the Bishop’s miter.  In the eyes of the Venetians, this was an act of the devil, and poor Polo was to be exiled.  A passage from Polo’s personal memoirs underlines his detachment with the Venetians and his want to travel away from that despicable place:  “I am ashamed, scared and fearful of God.  But I shall persevere.  Since waterways lead to places of commerce and industry, I will only travel through the medium of water.  And more interestingly, I believe I have heard voices from the Almighty.  For when I speak my Christian name, my father’s name comes echoing back, leading me to wherever it is God wants me to be.  I am his instrument.  Marco!  Polo!”  This seems odd that Polo construed this as a blessing since on several occasions the ensuing “Polo” led him to various, unwanted places:  1) He fell into the Grand Canal at least 25 times, 2) He impaled himself about 10 times at the local blacksmith’s, and 3) He walked into mass on several occasions, undressing the priest thinking the garments were his own.  Undeterred, Marco Polo set out on his 24-year quest.  Ironically, Polo never ventured into Asia, or even out of Venice for that matter.  He, sadly, walked in circles – for 24 years mind you – in the fountain located behind his home.  It seems that several young Venetian ruffians were echoing Polo every time Marco would call out his name, thereby mimicking the voice of God.  They did this for 24 years – quite a commitment to a sick joke.  A neighbor of Polo’s finally recognized what was transpiring and pulled Marco out of the water, only to find that his toes had been “pruned” beyond recognition.  In his mind, Polo had traveled the world.  In reality, Polo had traveled the distance of a kiddie pool about 45,000 times.  The effect of long-term contact with chlorine from his backyard fountain were hallucinations about a far off Eastern Empire, decadent beyond his wildest dreams.  Polo had stayed in the pool for far too long.

Tip of the Hat to Slavery

Myth:  Abraham Lincoln.  The mere mention of the 16^th President of the United States conjures up deep-seated feelings of honesty, character, passion and righteousness.  America, not to mention other foreign countries, laud the politician as if he were a messianic figure – a soldier in God’s own army.  Trained as a lawyer and coming from small-town Illinois, Lincoln was elected president amid controversy and a country torn apart.  Mere months into his presidency, the American Civil War broke out and ravaged a nation for a gut-wrenching four years.  But, it was Lincoln, forever stalwart, who was the Great Emancipator, freeing the slaves of the Confederacy on New Year’s Day of 1863.  His legacy is brushed with strokes of martyrdom, following his assassination in 1865, as a man who gave his life to keep the great American Experiment intact.  But it was his role as liberator, abolisher of the system that kept millions of Africans in fetters, that most think of him today.

Fact:  Though history books will tell you that Lincoln never owned a slave in his life, it is, simply put, an egregious fallacy.  American historians do point out that Lincoln, like many of his Northern counterparts, had misgivings about the African race – but this is only the tip of the iceberg.  Lincoln was (and hold your breath here) a hypocrite, sanctimonious liar, and above all, a slaveholder.  Certainly, he did not own large tracts of land like his Southern plantation-owning “foes,” nor did he need to.  He owned one slave for the purposes of his own vanity.  Standing at six foot four, Lincoln fancied himself a Greek statue, a statue that needed constant tending and care.  But why so fervently attack a confederacy that held the same beliefs in slavery as Lincoln himself?  One need look no further than the Evangelicals of today, such as Ted Haggard, who openly criticize a gay lifestyle, while they themselves are gay and secretly carry on gay relationships.  They are repressed homosexuals.  And though history rarely mentions it, a similar trend occurred for decades leading up to the Civil War:  the lives of repressed and closeted slave owners.  Lincoln was a closet slave lover.  And it was Lincoln’s most celebrated and iconic trademarks that held the secret to his twisted behavior, his stovepipe hat.  This grossly oversized hat caged his one and only slave, Top Hat Tony.  Lincoln bought Top Hat Tony in Charleston in 1850 for one reason:  Top Hat Tony was a midget slave and could be fashionably concealed underneath Lincoln’s iconic headwear.  When not wearing his stovepipe, Top Hat Tony dutifully trimmed Lincoln’s beard, cut his toenails and even man-scaped his pubic region – a most demeaning job.  But while concealing Top Hat Tony, work on Lincoln’s low self-esteem did not end, as Tony continued to pick dandruff off Lincoln’s head.  During the Gettysburg Address, it is said that Tony had to deal with an outbreak of lice on Lincoln’s scalp, toiling away in near 110-degree heat in the Pennsylvania summer.  Abraham Lincoln is a prime example of a man so uncomfortable with his lifestyle that he destroys those who share his “destructive” passions.  Many examples abound, but Lincoln may take the cake.  Ironically, John Wilkes Booth freed Top Hat Tony after the bullet that killed Lincoln also broke the chain holding Lincoln’s cap tightly on. So embarrassed of his former lifestyle, Top Hat Tony never spoke a word of it, but did live a fruitful life working for Barnum & Bailey’s Circus until his death in 1895.

The Spanish Armada, Swim Caps and Carbo-Loading

Myth:  The Spanish Armada of 1588 – one of the most celebrated battles of the Elizabethan Age – was a trying experience for the English, who feared an invasion by their Catholic counterparts under the rule of Philip II.  A terror-inducing Spanish fleet of some 151 warships was to overthrow the Protestant Queen Elizabeth, and ultimately, alter the trajectory of English history.  After defeating the Spanish at Gravelines, the English were not quite safe as the Spanish Armada was undeterred and planned a massive attack by sailing past Ireland and attacking from the north.  England was not to be taken, as a mighty storm killed about 20,000 Spanish sailors and wrecked a third of the entire fleet.  England may have fallen had it not be for the mysterious “Protestant Wind,” as the saving storm was later called.

Fact:  Historians, especially military historians, tend to pay too much attention to the size and strength of fleets or armies when interpreting reasons for success or failure.  There is one glaring omission with this approach:  attention to the actual fitness level of said fleet or army.  The Spanish may have had a massive armada, but many of the sailors had grown fat and lazy from copious amounts of paella.  Sangria was another killer.  Where does all that sugar go?  That’s right, the thighs.  The English on the other hand were in magnificent shape due to two obvious reasons.  First, the English’s notoriously bad food allowed for a low-caloric, ab-shredding diet.  An English sailor could only eat so many blood sausages and pickled goat ears, and the result was triceps that could crack a walnut.  Secondly, and more importantly, the English were obsessed with triathlons.  About a decade before, the triathlon craze took hold after Francis Drake – leader of the English defenses against the Spanish Armada –successfully swam the English Channel.  The trend has only swelled as time has elapsed.  Take a look at the results of any triathlon in your area and you will inevitably see about three or four British in the top ten.  A few years before 1588, one would see English sailors running, swimming or cycling in “why am I cocky simply because I’m a triathlete” packs.  A precursor to the infamously douchy waistband that holds six water bottles was the leather belt that held six goatskin canteens.  The Spanish fleet seemed to dwarf their English foes because that was exactly the case – the English were finishing their 12-kilometer run before entering the waters near the Spanish, with swim caps in hand.  And that mighty storm, that legendary “Protestant Wind,” was in actuality a massive maelstrom created by 8,000 English sailors/triathletes swimming around their mortal enemy.  The Armada was crushed, but the feelings of the 8,000 sailors were crushed even further when they emerged from the water to see no family or friends to greet the victorious athletes.  There were many empty promises that day because not even their own mothers wanted to watch them compete in a triathlon – they would have rather seen a naval battle that truly dazzles the senses.

"Cockblock" Jackson

Myth:  Thomas Jonathan Jackson, notably known as “Stonewall” Jackson, was and still is regarded by many as the second most glorified commander of the Lost Cause of the American Civil War – just behind the illustrious Robert E. Lee.  The Confederate General Jackson received the nickname “Stonewall” after the First Battle of Bull Run, where is military prowess allowed his troops to firmly stand their ground like a stonewall.  Beloved by his troops, and most of the Confederacy for that matter, Jackson was accidentally shot in May of 1863 at the Battle of Chancellorsville by Confederate soldiers.  He died some eight days later due to complications after amputation.  Some historians even argue that the loss of Jackson was one of the main factors for the downfall of the Confederacy following the turning points of Gettysburg and Vicksburg.

Fact:  I return to my expertise of the American Civil War to clear up some blatant fallacies concerning General Jackson.  The origins of his nickname were not as noble as one may think; on the contrary, Jackson garnered the nickname due to his obliviousness in all things romantic.  It was a hurtful nickname, though he was never aware of it.  Service in this most gruesome of wars left men little or no time with the fairer sex, but when the instance arose, men on both sides were fully willing to take advantage of the opportunity.  Just before the First Battle of Bull Run, a bevy of prostitutes arrived at the Confederate camp to increase morale and relieve anxiety.  A private Donald Ashley Sycamore provided the following account:  “About twenty of us were ready to bed down for the evening with the ladies of liberty who had come upon us, when all of a sudden our beloved General burst onto the scene clutching a rusty fiddle and a bag of marshmallows.  Afraid of being scourged, we quietly escorted the women away from the campfire, as we then had to listen to Jackson try and play Stairway to Heaven for seven hours straight – though he never quite got the chords right. We had been mightily stonewalled.”  It must be stressed that the term “stonewall” could be most aptly translated to modern English as meaning to “turn away,” or more crudely, “to cockblock.”  Jackson was a man who believed deeply in the power of male bonding before battle.  He “stonewalled” his troops on several other occasions, the most famous of which was the notorious macaroni and paper plate incident – a craft night before entering the horrors of war.  Just before the battle of Chancellorsville, several of his troops plotted Jackson’s assassination.  They believed he was costing them this war, what with his boy-scout mentality and all.  He could not be allowed to stonewall anymore.  So, the accident was no accident at all.  It was the devious plan of a few lusty Confederates angry with their prudish commander.  This begs a crucial question:  Had Jackson survived, might have the Confederacy won with the mentality of s’mores and male bonding?  The Confederacy was certainly on the right track before Jackson’s men were allowed to “stone” without being “walled” once again.