Myth: Prince Albert, of the house of
Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, was the husband and first cousin of the longest reigning
queen in British History, Queen Victoria.
Initially disheartened by the status of Prince Consort, meaning Victoria
held true power as the monarch of Great Britain and Ireland and Albert was
merely “the husband,” Albert overcame his sense of inferiority and initiated
some of the most progressive reforms in the kingdom to date. An advocate of educational reform,
Albert also conformed to his status as Prince Consort and oversaw Victoria’s
estates, household and office duties.
Moreover, Albert was a strong proponent of the worldwide abolition of
slavery, but his zeal for such a cause would be short-lived as he expired at
the age of 42 in December of 1861 after a battle with intestinal problems. His doting wife, the Queen, lived the
rest of her life, ultimately dying in 1901, in a perpetual state of mourning
and donning the traditional black of a widow until her dying day. Much beloved by the people of Britain,
Prince Albert surmounted the emasculating nature of his role as husband to the
Queen in such a patriarchal age, and gained admiration through his numerous
benevolent social projects.
Fact: When one thinks of Prince Albert, the
first thing to come to the layman’s mind is not the progressive Prince Consort,
but rather a genital piercing – a hoop jutting out of a man’s urethra. Though no official connection has been
made between the historical figure and the piercing, this does not mean the
connection is nonexistent – on the contrary, far from it. As stated before, Prince Albert was
initially uncomfortable in his womanly position as aide to his
wife, or to take a term from that day in age, he was Hoed before Broed.
Consistently battling this subservience, Albert took action into his own
hands: Using a horseshoe from the royal stables and an arrow from the armory,
Albert penetrated his urethra with the arrow and then quickly inserted the
horseshoe into the gaping hole.
The always-trustworthy royal blacksmith, Dragon Tat as he was called,
bonded the two ends of the horseshoe in order to create a closed circle, or
hoop. Victoria was despondent at
first, horrified by her husband’s self-mutilation, but two aspects of the new
“piercing” would change her mind: 1) Sexual pleasure (something of the utmost
importance since the average Victorian couple copulated about once every two
years), and 2) Control over her defiant, emasculated husband. Albert did indeed wish to please his
wife and fill the role of Prince Consort, but if he were to ever Broeth-it-up more than necessary, Victoria merely had to tug on
his horseshoe and Albert would become as docile as a lamb. Although the method did eventually
work, Albert was in a constant state of dismay during the first few trying
years. He would often run away
sobbing and lock himself in the estate’s prison, commonly referred to as The
Can at the time. As Dragon Tat noted in his flesh diary, “Albert would be in
The Can for days on end. Others
would inquire about his absence, so I would dutifully respond that he was in
The Can. ‘Well, you had better let
him out,’ they would always say.
But they didn’t know Albert as I did, and it took some time to coax him
out of The Can.” Albert eventually
accepted his fate by way of the horseshoe device and never returned to The
Can, but he met an untimely fate at the
young age of 42, ironically dying of intestinal issues in a place that would
later be referred to as The Can
in years to come.
