History Bros sits down with Chilean dictator Augusto
Pinochet after a 5-month Franzia break.
In a box, in your garage, wine anytime!
Franzia, right next to your son’s deflated basketball. Advertisements aside, let’s sit down with
Pinochet himself and offer him the chance to defend his choices as ruler of
Chile from 1974 to 1990.
HB: Augusto, thank you for dressing up for the interview,
but it wasn’t necessary. The sash is
lovely, though.
AP: Gracias!
HB: English!
AP: Si.
HB: Augosto…
AP: Sorry.
HB: Are you, though?
AP: No.
HB: Hey, so what happened during those dark days leading up
to your US-backed coup d’etat?
AP: America was like, “Hey, we already put a man on the moon
before the Commies could. We’re
basically winning this thing, how’d you like to oust your socialist leader,
Salvador Allende, and rule your food-named country with our approval?”
HB: Did your American backers know where Chile was on a map?
AP: They pointed to Ecuador, but I thought better of
correcting them.
HB: Good! Because we’re
fuckin’ right!
HB: But seriously, you did torture a lot of people, Pino.
AP: I was harboring a lot of deep-seated hatred after being
called “wine boy” all through grade school.
HB: Because your name sounds like a rare, fancy wine?
AP: Si.
HB: English. It does,
though, really. You’d have a buttery
flavor, because, just, no…
HB: So, you made your
citizenry disappear because you were called “wine boy”?
AP: Yes.
HB: That’s fucked up, Pino.
How did your classmates even know what a wine label should sound like?
AP: We start drinking at five in Chile.
HB: That’s also fucked up.
Would you do it over again if given the chance?
AP: No, but the sash was so alluring.
HB: It is. What is
that, a merit badge? That’s nice.
AP: Yes. I built a bench
in the park, so I was rewarded with this badge.
AP: The Americans also gave me an H3 Hummer with “mudding”
grills. So that, plus the sash…and being
bullied, all but forced me to take the gig.
HB: Because you don’t get an H3 under socialism.
HB: Wine boy, this has been a delight, so I’m going to pin
this “great guest” merit badge right next to your 500th murder
badge.
HB: Before we go, Shia LaBeouf or Franzia?
AP: Franzia.
HB: Wine boy drinks Franzia!
AP: I have three boxes in my garage right now!
HB: I know! Bye!
