Monday, March 28, 2011

Closet Capitalism in Cuba

Myth:  Ernesto “Che” Guevara, more commonly known as Che, was something of a renaissance man.  A physician, theorist, diplomat, and most notably, a Marxist revolutionary, he was pivotal to the Cuban revolution and overthrow of the US-backed dictator, Fulgencio Batista, in 1959.  Meeting Fidel Castro while living in Mexico City, the Argentine became the renowned communist’s second-in-command.  While attempting to spread revolutionary ideas in other impoverished regions, Che was eventually captured in Bolivia in 1965 and executed.

Fact:  Though a brilliant man, Che was never privy to Fidel Castro’s true intentions – he was basically a pawn in the world’s greatest capitalist scheme.  This little known theory, which I deem as historical fact, has yet to catch the public’s eye.  After meeting Che in Mexico city while secretly attending a Princeton University alumni club for Latin Americans, Castro said the following about Che:  “He’s a smart man, but he’s naïve.  He’s perfect for us.  Hot.  Sexy.  Suave.  And most importantly, he’s photogenic.”  While tensions escalated between the US and Cuba, Fidel kept Che busy with diplomatic missions as he set his plan in motion.  Che’s growing popularity was the first part.  “The more popular he is, the better.  And keep feeding him that commie bullshit he devours so readily,” Castro remarked during a CIA meet-up in 1962.  Earlier in 1960, Castro had hired the renowned Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue photographer, Alberto Korda, to snap the best photograph of Che as possible.  Setting Che up in Bolivia in 1965, Castro had completed the most cold-hearted, capitalistic scheme of all time.  After waiting a few years, the closet capitalist Castro unleashed his 75 billion dollar idea upon the world – and the Che t-shirt was born.  Since he owned the copyright to Che’s image, Castro remains one of the world’s wealthiest men, albeit unknown to most of the public.  So, the next time you stop in at Hot Topic after downing an Orange Julius, get this through your dense 15-year-old head:  You buy that shirt and you’re supporting the CIA and capitalism at its finest.  You don’t want to be a nerd, do you?

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Fierce Fashion of Robert E. Lee

Myth:  General Robert E. Lee, the commanding general of Confederate forces during the Civil War by 1864, was and still is considered one of the greatest and genteel military men in US History – in both the South and North.  Sought after by the Union before the War Between the States erupted, Lee was an accomplished tactician and overall military virtuoso, graduating near the top of his 1829 West Point class.  Many of the early Confederate victories in and around Virginia are often attributed to Lee’s unmistakable prowess.

Fact:  Robert E. Lee was a terrible tactician, had little, if no, military skill, and most notably, was the creator of so many of the present day Southern white stereotypes.  His successful campaigns can be attributed to his junior officers’ quick thinking and ability to gently dismiss the ideas of their commanding general (Lee would often faint and/or swoon if an idea of his was smugly dismissed).  Notes from several pre-battle meetings have survived the one hundred and fifty year period, highlighting Robert’s proclivity to utilize Southern culture as a means to defeat his Northern foe.  Before the Battle of Fredericksburg, Lee is noted as saying the following:  “Alright men, I have learned from our scouts that the Yankees our low on coffee and tea.  So, what we must do is conduct a covert operation in which we extract all the sugar from their “Sweet Tea,” leaving them delirious from the lack of a tasty beverage during the trials of war.”  In order to humor Lee, two junior officers feigned a mission in which they supposedly stole all of the Sweet Tea from Union lines.  Lee later wrote in his memoirs, “Sweet Tea was the deciding factor on that brisk December day in Fredericksburg.”  Another one of Robert’s brilliant covert operations occurred two days before the Second Battle of Bull Run.  “Gentlemen, Union officers are throwing a gala a few miles from the battlefield at the Ashley Winston Dolores Creighton VIII’s mansion this evening.  I would like a team of no more than ten men to steal all of the neon Croakies, Rainbow sandals and pleated khakis from the wardrobes of those officers.  How then, will they be able to put their sunglasses on the back of their necks?  Morale will be so low the next day that the Yanks will surely capitulate.”  This plan was actually directly opposed by a brigadier general, resulting in the fainting of Robert E. Lee into his aide de camp’s arms.  Jefferson Davis, president of the Confederacy, was privy to Robert’s shortcomings, but still admired his general for his adamant attachment to white Southern culture.  “He truly is terrible, but hot damn, does he make a great mint julep on a humid afternoon.”  Robert E. Lee may not have been the brilliant tactician many have believed him to be, but his soul still resonates in all the fraternity houses across the South.  The South may have lost the war, but not it’s style.  Thank you, Robert.

Monday, March 21, 2011

The Six Trophy Wives of Henry VIII

Myth:  King Henry VIII of England, reigning from 1509 to1547, is best known for his separation from the Roman Catholic Church, and in relation to his break with the Church, the six wives he bedded during his reign – including numerous mistresses.  It is often the contention of many historians that the reason for his fickleness with his wives, including the beheading of two of them, had to do with the their inability to provide him with a male heir to the throne (though it is now proposed that Henry, genetically speaking, was the reason).  Breaking from the Catholic tradition gave him more freedom to search for a woman capable of providing him with a male heir to the throne of England.

Fact:  Henry VIII’s father, Henry VII, was a renowned litigator at Merrill Lynch before ascending to the throne, and it is because of this fast-paced litigator lifestyle that his son was imbued with the same qualities of a shrewd, coke-loving lawyer/business executive.  Contrary to years of interpretation, Henry VIII didn’t care much for the throne, and to a lesser degree, the survival of his lineage.  He had no time for children, for he too strived for what his father had striven for – the perfect life of a corporate douche (to be a douche during the early 16th century was to be a man of honor).  The Roman Catholic Church was nothing more than an itch that needed to be scratched – a hierarchy of “holy” men who denounced the life of douchery, at least at a superficial level.  The previous merger with the Church centuries before had to be eliminated; Henry VIII’s lifestyle was being smothered, not to mention his stock options were entirely limited.  The six wives of Henry VIII is simply an extension of his acquired lifestyle.  He was a man who coveted the best of life, or the trophies of life, if you will.  He needed his trophy wives.  As this was the early to mid 1500s, the aging of women was much more apparent and occurred at a much faster pace.  Catherine of Aragon, his first wife, had reached non-trophy status after a lengthy twenty years – quite a feat for a trophy wife at the time.  Anne Boleyn, the most famous of Henry’s six wives, became an “aged hag” after only three years.  Her remarkably quick aging instigated the demotion of Henry VIII from Senior Vice President to Junior Vice President at Merrill Lynch – a slap in the face to Henry’s status as a mover and shaker.  It must be reiterated that the kinghsip paled in comparison to his status at “The Merr Lynch.”  So embarrassed by this “most quick rusting of a refined trophy,” Henry had her beheaded with the consent of Merrill Lynch’s Chairman and CEO.  Four wives later, King Henry died a happy bachelor at the retirement age of 55 with a 401k plan that not even Shakespeare could have fathomed.  So, the next time you seek advice from Merrill Lynch, remember that you are dealing with royalty and the most refined sense of douchery, aged to perfection over centuries and centuries.


Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Fuhrer of St. Patrick

Myth:  St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was born in c. 387 A.D. and died approximately eighty years later on March 17th – the date on which his sainthood, including all things Irish, is celebrated.  Originally of Romano-British heritage, Irish raiders kidnapped him when he was 16, only to return in his later years to preach the goodness of the Catholic faith to the Irish population.  These acts of forgiveness and proselytizing have earned St. Patrick the status of a legend – the beloved saint of all who consider themselves Irish.

Fact:  I am well aware that what I am about to say goes against both Catholic doctrine and accepted historical fact, but it must be said:  St. Patrick was a fascist, racist and a manipulative leader.  In short, he was the precursor to such tyrants as Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini.  In fact, Hitler, who was privy to the true personality of St. Patrick, cited him as a main influence on Nazi politics and culture.  Though not of Irish stock, Patrick believed his Irish captors had the attributes of what he described as a “master race.”  To cite an ancient parchment, Patrick wrote the following:  “They are capable of running at high speeds, jumping twice the height of a horse, and all the while, they are belligerently drunk – the perfect trinity of a race capable of conquering the world.  They often mislead their foes by appearing timid and chaste, what with their freckles and overall ginger appearance.  A great asset, indeed.”  Patrick soon organized a strong army of Irish under the newly designed Green Clover banner – an ancient Nazi swastika of sorts.  The adoption of green as the holy and superior color was a means of identifying their lesser foes.  The present day act of pinching someone who is not wearing green on March 17th is directly related to the ancient act of “pinching” an enemy who didn’t sport the Clover Green – though the ancient Irish term “pinching” can be roughly translated as slaying or cleaving.  St. Patrick had planned to storm the gates of Rome around 400 A.D., but a piece of the trinity was ironically a tragic flaw that led to the Irish’s, and St. Patrick’s, undoing.  If not engaged in battle on a regular basis, the Green Clovers would become restless and the once beneficial trait of drunken belligerency led the Irish to slay one another.  St. Patrick’s plan of domination had been undone by his own shortsightedness.  He was murdered by one of his own troops at the end of a broken bottle of Guinness.  So, before you don green for this supposedly joyous holiday, take a second to think, and possibly, just possibly, stand up in the face of fascism by taking a pinch or two.  You will have served history well.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Boy Scouts Behaving Badly


Myth:  The Boston Tea Party remains one of the most iconic events in American History, as a group of American revolutionaries, some dressed as Mohawk Indians, dumped all 342 chests of British tea from the East Indian Company into Boston Harbor.  It was an act of resistance at the highest level, as American colonists were continuing to be taxed on all facets of life, in this case tea, without Parliamentary representation in Britain.  One of many events that sparked the fuse of the American Revolution, the origins of the Tea Party still remain a bit of a mystery.  Was it inspired by Samuel Adams and his “Sons of Liberty,” or simply an impromptu act of rebellion?

Fact:  It is often accepted as fact that men living in the late 18th century were significantly shorter than their present day American counterparts.  This is bogus on all accounts, for this is just biological babble – a field I do not understand, and so I dismiss it.  The reason the “Boston Tea Partiers” appeared shorter was exactly because they were not men – they were boys.  Furthermore, they were Boy Scouts of America and members of the Order of the Arrow, an organization that still exists with many, many members today.  Benjamin Franklin had originally organized the “cult” as a simple joke (he was the original Jokester of Philadelphia).  “Let us allow these common boys believe they are actually achieving something.  We shall give them “merit” badges for each mundane skill they perfect, but here’s the kick, we’ll create some 2,000 plus merit badges.  It will be a never-ending quest for a sense of belonging.  Plus, we’ll make them wear sashes,” Franklin stated in 1771.  It was a cruel joke by the jokester himself.  Unbeknownst to Franklin, a few odd, middle-aged men actually believed in such practices.  As a show of solidarity, these new – often unmarried – men donned the ostentatious costume of the Boy Scouts as well, sashes and all.  In the years leading up to the Boston Tea Party, the Boy Scouts bordered on the fanatical.  Often seen cross-dressing, some of the time as Native Americans, they championed a zealous non-alcoholic, caffeine-free lifestyle.  And since all of the tea arriving in America was full of caffeine, they organized a rebellion against the importation of caffeinated tea.  And so, the Boy Scouts of America, originally intended as a cruel prank, executed one of America’s most glorious moments of patriotism.  Ironically, their stunt had nothing to do with independence from Great Britain, but in 1781 their plan succeeded as the invention of Sleepy Time Tea by Celestial Seasonings became known around the newly created United States of America.  Fearing that the truth would completely undermine their radical independent ideology, revolutionaries such as Samuel Adams, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson quieted the Boy Scouts with a hefty bribe and the continued support of their “odd” organization.  Men of revolution were, from this point on, the perpetrators of the Boston Tea Party.  So, the next time you see a Boy Scout, don’t laugh at him, but rather shake his hand, for you are living in the country he created.

Friday, March 11, 2011

The Little Magician


Myth:  Martin Van Buren, the eight president of the United States, was a man deeply tied with and a propagator of the burgeoning “machine politics” systems, in which party loyalty was an increasing concern.  Just as we see the beast this ideology has created these days within America’s two-party system, Van Buren was a strong proponent of the “spoils” systems we see in all of world politics:  If you are loyal, you shall be rewarded with more and more power.  His ability to exploit “machine politics” and to organize statewide organizations earned him the nickname “The Little Magician.”  He served only one term, however, due to continued economic worry during his tenure as president.  Sadly, he is one of the lesser-known presidents in the saga of the American Presidency.

Fact:  Martin Van Buren was not just some 5’6”, obscure president with fantastic muttonchops – he was in the truest sense, a real-life little magician.  The first president not to be of British descent – his first language was Dutch – he was adamant about making a name for himself despite his diminutive stature.  And if there are two things the Dutch are known for, they are wooden clogs and magic.  With such a prominent predecessor as Andrew Jackson, Van Buren knew he had to turn to his magical Dutch roots in order to distinguish himself among the political giants of the mid-19th century.  Sadly, he was a terrible magician, and the nickname continued as a matter of jest.  The economic maladies of the time did indeed limit Van Buren to one term, but it was precisely because of his obsession with magic that the economy went wildly unchecked during this period of time.  He often fumbled cards during cabinet meetings; he would accidentally kill around five rabbits per week; and because of his queer Dutch accent, he was even unable to pronounce “Hocus Pocus” correctly.  He was once embarrassingly pulled out of a tub of water when his Secretary of State noticed that after ten minutes had passed while he was still chained and padlocked, Van Buren began thrashing his tiny feet in a desperate attempt to alert others that he was drowning.  This all happened in the company of the top British ambassador to the United States.  Andrew Jackson even noted that his political ally and friend “[Martin] is a fine politician, but his damn parlor tricks are keeping this new nation from the international respect it deserves.”   Nicholas I, tsar of Russia at the time, witnessed Van Buren attempt to jump from the top of the White House and come away unscathed.  Nicholas’s account is as follows:  “The short, stocky little man dropped like a rock and hit the ground with a thud.  After several minutes of no movement, his aides came to his side to find that he had fractured six ribs, broken both arms, one leg, and lost one of his muttonchops.”  It is true he was a great organizer, but the nickname is often misinterpreted as a clever appellation, when it should actually be taken very literally.  Before stepping down from the presidency, Van Buren declared that he would make “slavery disappear.”  Had he held on one more year, instead of dying in 1862, he would have been able to triumphantly say “Tada!”

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Broken-Hearted in Chicago

 
Myth:  On February 14, 1929, six members, including one unknown, of Bugs Moran’s North Side Irish gang were found slain inside a warehouse in the Lincoln Park area of Chicago.  As bootlegging skyrocketed during prohibition, violence erupted between rival gangs jockeying for dominance in the crime-ridden city of Chicago, most notably, Al Capone and his South Side gang of Italians.  This day of infamy, commonly known as the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, invariably brought national attention to the scourge of Chicago.  As Capone, Scarface himself, is often cited as the perpetrator of the crime, it was he who received renewed attention by the FBI and police forces, ultimately landing him in jail in 1931 for tax evasion.  Though the massacre seems to be a cut-and-dry case, many loose ends have yet to be tied up.  Who were the gunmen – two of who were dressed as police officers?  Was it actually Capone who ordered the hit?  Why St. Valentine’s Day?

Fact:  Before delving into the truth behind the massacre, I wish to first settle the misinterpreted origin of Al Capone’s nickname, Scarface.  He did not, as many believe, receive the prominent gash on the left side of his face when he insulted the patron of an inn he was working at an inn in New York City.  On the contrary, the resulting scar(s) were acquired over a period of years from the claws of cats.  As Capone was a notorious cat lover, he sheltered some 45 cats during his tenure in Chicago.  And as a man of power and greed, he often wanted the cats to pay attention to him during all hours of the day – much to the cats’ dismay.  Thus, over the years he received several gashes a day from his beloved cats attempting to release themselves from his smothering grasp.  During the early 1920s, he was often referred to as Cat Scratch Capone, but as he wielded more and more power he wished to go by the more fear-inducing moniker, Scarface.

So, why St. Valentine’s Day?  Many historians disregard this date as a mere coincidence, when in fact it forms the crux of the “massacre.”  Though Capone, Moran and all of their counterparts were ruthless criminals, they still abided by numerous principals dearly held by all of the criminal underworld at the time.  St. Valentine’s Day was a day of atonement for Chicago gangsters, often highlighted by the giving of valentine cards to rival gangsters, basically admitting to their sin in the face of God.  As the majority of the gangsters at the time happened to be of Catholic descent, the tradition was admirably upheld over decades.  For instance, after Capone was imprisoned and the Feds raided his Chicago abode, they found innumerable valentines in a box beneath his desk.  One such valentine was from Bugs Moran himself.  It was a picture of Michael Jordan stating that Capone was “a slam dunk.”  Such a valentine was a deep sign of respect for a formidable foe.  The seven men found dead in a Lincoln Park garage were not murdered, but had committed suicide.  These men were at the bottom of the hierarchy in the criminal world, and though they held such positions, they were truly offended and disheartened when they did not receive valentines on that day of atonement, that day of ceasefire.  Ironically, Moran and Capone had later noticed their negligence and sent four gangsters to deliver valentines to these seven men.  The act of kindness came too late as the seven bodies were quickly discovered.  The ceasefire had been broken that fateful day in 1929.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Starbucks and the Spanish Civil War



Myth:  From 1936 to 1939, the Spanish Civil War pitted left-leaning communist and anarchist Republicans (those in favor of a liberal democracy and/or communist regime) against Francisco Franco and his band of fascist Spanish generals, often referred to as the Nationalists.  In short, the Republicans ultimately lost due to thinning numbers and the loss of support from sympathetic foreign territories, most notably the Soviet Union.  Conversely, the Nationalists garnered the tacit support of the newly formed Axis powers, including Hitler and Mussolini, and a growing number of supporters as their foes slowly dwindled in the face of combat, ultimately surrendering on April 1, 1939.  An estimated half of a million people perished during this bloody conflict – a conflict that ended with Franco as dictator of Spain until his death in 1975.

Fact:  This seems to be a ubiquitous theme in my blogs, but once again, historians have completely convoluted a rather simplistic and true explanation for the Republican loss in favor of a more complex interpretation.  They have to look no further than a basic human interaction:  Jock versus Nerd.  Franco and his cronies were all classic, bull-fighting scholarship holders during their University years – given easy A’s so they could uphold the championship bull-fighting dynasty at the University of Madrid – and because of such connections were able to climb the military hierarchy in quick fashion.  To solidify my point, I turn to the common known fact that Franco created the high-five and butt slap during a bull-fighting match against the University of Barcelona.  The Republicans, in a sense, lost the war not due to casualties of war, but rather due to casualties of hipsterness.  The armies were spread thin due to the majority of Republicans discussing Marx, Engels, Nietzsche and Hegel at local shops as their less nerdy/hipster counterparts had to retreat on the battlefield.  The soy latte had trumped the bayonet.  If this weren’t bad enough, a slew of Republicans deserted their militias as most had to hide in the wilderness and utilize guerilla warfare on their Fascist enemies.  Most did not want to live off the land and eat any form of game meat; they were vegan.  Veganism had trumped the element of surprise.  One anecdote seems to aptly sum up the experiences of the Spanish Civil War:  A Republican soldier came upon a fallen comrade in the woods outside of Madrid.  He looked in his friend’s pocket to find a skinned rabbit.  Shocked at the sight, the soldier asked his dying friend ‘Why have you done this – you have betrayed the cause?’”  No response was forthcoming as the comrade exhaled is last breath and passed away.  The rabbit was buried, but his comrade lay out in the open, rotting in the sun.  At about the same time, Franco was performing an “air hump” as he had just slain some twenty unsuspecting Republicans planting Swiss chard at a local Madrid co-op.

*Special thanks to Sara Marañón for being Spanish...and her academic advice.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Brooks Brothers Burning



Myth:  The Salem Witch Trials, occurring over the years of 1692 and 1693 in three counties of colonial Massachusetts, is regarded as one of the most indelible events of mass hysteria to occur in this young nation of ours.  It underscores the veritable shortcomings of a Puritanical society – a society that was isolated, fear-based and propagated ideas of intolerance.  In the end, twenty of the accused of witchcraft were executed, including one who was crushed to death.

Fact:  The Puritans were indeed very intolerant of others not of their ilk and very suspicious of the “stirrings” of the devil.  What many historians fail to acknowledge is the paramount role of clothing and its effect on culture and religion at the time.  The Bible was very much important to the Puritans of colonial Massachusetts, but not nearly as sacred as the cable knit design adorning the strapping young men of this exclusive religious culture.  Cotton Mather (first name taken as a sign of his piety and his servitude to fine fabrics), one of the preeminent Puritan preachers of his time, tried to perpetuate the idea that demons did in fact exist among the living.  Contrary to popular belief, Cotton Mather was not being literal, but rather fairly metaphorical.  The demons among them were the improperly dressed – the bohemians of their day, sporting what would most likely be the American Apparel this day in age.  Furthermore, Cotton Mather was the founder of Brooks Brothers, a company started in 1681 with the religious iconography befitting of the Puritan people – the golden fleece, or lamb of Christ, emblazoned over the left chest, the heart.  I am not denying that this was a form of religious hysteria, but many are ignorant of its true origins.  Only two copies still exist, both at Harvard University, of Puritan Bibles created in 1685 with several additions to Leviticus.  Chapter 5, Verse 7 reads, “Those who do not adorn the clothing of a king – a polo, tucked in, covered by a navy blue cable knit sweater, khaki chinos with a sailboat or anchor patterned belt, all complemented by a Nantucket brown loafer – shall be stoned by the righteous.”  These twenty accused of witchcraft were playing with fire by straying from the norm – some even wore Palestinian-inspired scarves, the true mark of the devil.  This was a rebellion against the stifling, shall I say sweaters, Puritan status quo.  The claim that they could not afford the “proper clothing” was moot since most the lower class at the time adorned J. Crew, a suitable and cheaper substitute equally projecting their subservience to a supreme being.  As the fledgling colonies began to expand, those who were labeled heretics fled westward in search of clothing/religious freedom, but the damage had already been done – nineteen had died hanging from fine cashmere nooses.  Vestiges of this clothing fanaticism still exist in parts of Massachusetts and New England, but the Puritan spirit of fervent “clothingism” is slowly being eclipsed, on the verge of extinction.  But we must never forget the Salem Witch Trials lest we fall under same zealous spell that affected our Puritan forefathers.  Skinny jeans and Republican evangelism is a frightening thought…

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Cake Catastrophe


Myth:  The French Revolution, approximately covering a time period of about a decade, was an Enlightenment-inspired response to the centuries of absolute monarchical rule, aristocratic privileges and the general subjugation of the lower classes.  Fueled by financial issues and overall malnutrition of much of the French populace, tensions came to a head on July 14th, 1789, as commoners and idealists alike stormed the Bastille in Paris.  Subsequently, The Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen was drafted as a document that embodied the spirit of the Enlightenment and the inalienable rights afforded to all men of France.  The period, however, was plagued with terror, especially from 1793 to 1794 as the Jacobins executed thousands for dissent with the blade of the dreaded guillotine.  In spite of this, the French revolution ultimately inspired the creation of a liberal democracy in France, as well as many other European countries that followed suit.

Fact:  We have here a situation that was in fact very simplistic, but was muddled and convoluted by the work of inept historians.  The Enlightenment did in fact exist, but very few of the French, commoner and noble alike, cared much for this drivel.  Most of France at the time, and even today, cared about only two things:  pronunciation and pastries.  I call this the “two P’s” that dominate French history and culture.  Though it has been disputed that Marie Antoinette said, “Let them eat cake” when confronted with the issue of the starving French masses, this is most certainly true.  This is, quite simply, the match that lit the revolution.  First off, Antoinette was Austrian – a strike against her among French opinion.  Furthermore, even though she had resided in France for many years at this point, her pronunciation of proper French was remedial at best. *   The several hundred French who had heard her say this phrase were incensed when she improperly uttered the work cake, or gateau in French, so the populace went ballistic.  Not only had she sounded like a mooing cow, but she had also desecrated one of the most sacred words in the French language.  She had committed a classic “double P” offense – terribly mispronouncing a delicious French dessert/pastry.  With this part cleared up, we can now move on to the other glaring contradictions.  Quite simply, the creation of a liberal democracy was merely a front to other European nations so as not create suspicion that the uprising was “doube P” based – something the English highly suspected at the time.  The Reign of Terror that ensued was, also quite simply, a means of cleansing the French population of poor French speakers and vegans – most of the time the victims were accused of both.  As added insult to injury, the Jacobins acquired the guillotine from another despised group among them, the Jews, as a means of execution.  Interestingly, the guillotine was originally invented as a mass circumcision tool – a means of efficiency for Jewish families with more than three sons.  Today, one can still see the effects of the French Revolution.  Pronunciation is perfect, or near perfect, in 99% of the population and the French pastry industry is thriving.  All pastries continue to be made with cream and all things dairy, so the vegan traveler must beware so as to not arouse suspicion and end up a victim of the guillotine.

*  To be fair, even if her pronunciation was perfect, it still would not have been “perfect” due to her non-French, Austrian heritage