Bloody Brunch, Britches!

It’s Saturday, so that means brunch! Brunch, bitches! And who’s joining us – my bestie from prep school, Mary “The Britch” Tudor! Mary I, queen of mother f’ing England and Ireland, restorer of Catholicism after her fat, ugly dad went through so many women like a Protestant at a yard sale (her words, not mine – also, no idea what that means)… Bloody Mary!!! Celery salt, celery salt, celery salt!

M: Ugh, pancakes. Just want some pancakes with my…

Together: Bloody Mary!

M: Seriously though, the new job sucks already.

HB: Oh, that’s right, Mary started her first job…ever…at f’ing 35!

M: It’s 2 days a week at Corepower Yoga with a bunch of old divorcees – so it’s like a 40-hour week, mentally.

HB: Like your Mom?

M: Shut the fuck up!

HB: Oh my god, Mary, I thought you were over that?

M: No, shut the fuck up, I told you last week it’s still f’ing bothering me.

HB: Mary went to the bathroom, so it’s gonna be another 40 minutes. (to server) Could we get 4 more Marys while I wait – she’s gonna want, like, three. You know who you look like, Hannah Montana, but like not in a good way.

M: Brrrritches!

HB: Oh thank god, you’re normal again. Here, fugly Montana brought you three more Marys. I’m so sorry.

M: About what, I don’t even know what you’re talking about? I took a nasty vodka shit and cried a little bit, so we’re good.

M: Just don’t bring up Catherine again… I’ll chop your neck off, but not all the way, like only halfway so you’re still alive for a few minutes. You know?

HB: Yeah, Mary, I totally get it. Jesus Christ…

M: I’m kidding!

HB: I know! Britches!

HB: How’s Brad?

M: Oh, you mean Tae Kwan Do Brad?

HB: Huh?

M: Oh yeah, hot Brad from Corepower also teaches Tae Kwan Do at the Y. So, that’s over.

(server spills drink)

Server: Oh my god, I am so sorry.

M: I think you meant to do that.

HB: Mary, please, not now, just…enjoy.

M: No, I think she meant to do that. Oh, what a pretty necklace. It’s a cross, but where’s the crucified Jesus?

Server: I don’t know. My mom got this for me when I was young.

HB: Just run, please. I’m sorry I said those things earlier. She has this effect on me.

M: Oh, your mom’s in your life. That’s nice.

HB: Mary, put down the butter knife.

M: Shut your shit mouth… No, I’m going to put all 5 inches of this dull blade in her spine.

M: I’m kidding!

Everyone: Brithces!!!!

Pornhub Jones

John Paul Jones, Revolutionary War icon and Father of the US Navy, is here to set the record straight about his apparent piracy during the harrowing conflict – he has many detractors among the British, screaming for an indictment. After the War for Independence came to a close, John Paul Jones joined up with the Russian Imperial Navy to continue his craft as a skilled sea commander. Let’s set the record straight.

HB: And I don’t have my computer. Where’s my computer?

JPJ: Hey man, sorry, just wanted to finish an episode of Game of Thrones.

HB: Did you disable my pop-up blocker?

JPJ: I had to, it’s not HBO, so how am I going to watch it?

HB: There’s like 50 tabs open. Where’s your computer?

JPJ: Fried the hard drive, from…watching…too many sports.

HB:  You’re a terrible liar. Speaking of which, you added “Jones” to John Paul to hide from law enforcement? This really happened.

JPJ: Yes, I would don a mustache and confuse the bejesus out of townsfolk with the added surname.

HB: That’s so stupid. Ok, you’ve pillaged my personal computer – and I now have 20 requests from local MILFS who are apparently horny to meet me. All that aside, do you wish to clear your name regarding the infamous Whitehaven raid?

JPJ: You know what sucks about sea life?

HB: Ok, we’re changing the subject. I’ll bite. What?

JPJ: Unless you’re an officer, you have no privacy to watch whatever you want. It’s like having 300 roommates watching your every mouse click! So, that’s what drove me to become a commander – to strive for greatness.

HB: Please don’t wink at me. So…if I’m following, you became the “Father of the US Navy” so you could watch porn in your own cabin.

HB: Again, please don’t wink at me.

JPJ: You know what the great thing about Russia is? No firewalls!

HB: I’m assuming we’re talking about computers and not warfare? …Stop fucking winking at me!

JPJ: Hey, can I borrow your phone?

HB: Why?

JPJ: I want to check the Yankees score.

HB: Fine.

HB: Why does your sports score sound like explicit sex?

JPJ: Because Aaron Judge just hit a dinger!

HB: Phone. Now.

JPJ: This place blows. Internet café nearby?

HB: And he’s leaving. Well, informative as always. John Paul “Jones” is apparently a serial masturbator, may be a pirate, and has the worst sense of computer security.

(Man with mustache knocks on window): Excuse me, sir, I’ve lost my mother and would much like to use your phone to let her know where I am.

HB:  Aw, it’s a kid with a mustache and he’s lost. What’s your name kiddo?

Lost kid: John Paul…Smith?

Revenge of the Nerds

Update: History Bros will be operating on a lunar calendar effective immediately. Good news is episodes will be more frequent than as of late; bad news is that’s approximately one episode a month. Why a lunar calendar? Because we at History Bros are observant of my being burnt out. Please be respectful of my minimum effort and religious conversion to a lunar calendar.  The Aztecs used a solar calendar, which, in my opinion, seems like some people were overachievers. Speaking of Aztecs, we have the second most famous Aztec in the studio today, Montezuma II! Well behind the 2005 Pontiac Aztek (valued at $3,595 and available for immediate use – fun bargains accepted!), Montezuma II was the last ruling emperor of the Aztec Empire, famously facing down the hot jock of the conquistadors, Hernan Cortes.

HB: Montezuma, let’s just get this out of the way: please don’t give me diarrhea. I’m not in Cancun, never have been, and this is my turf. Ok?

M2: That’s fair. Though, you don’t have any soap in your restroom – had to use my traveler’s bottle of Purell.

HB: Worry about yourself! This he said, she said of employees washing hands isn’t becoming of you!

M2: Honestly, just…

HB: What’s done is done. Ok, so Google Translate says the term “xiuhpohualli” translates to “outdated nerd calendar”.  That’s fascinating.

M2: It actually translates to “year count” and is very similar to your current 365-day yearly cycle.

HB: Are you questioning Google!?

M2: Yes.

HB: Let’s see if we replace English with Swahili, just to crosscheck. Ok, “simba,” so that checks out.

M2: I’m pretty sure “simba” means “lion” in Swahili. Also, your crosschecking makes no sense.

HB: Why would they name the lead lion in The Lion King just “lion”? That’s so fucking stupid.

M2: It is, I agree with you. But I’d do a little more research than simply relying on Google and Wikipedia. Look, I saw you looking up how to spell my name earlier. And that’s fine, but don’t keep pushing yourself to keep up with what you perceive to be a necessary schedule.

HB: Monty, get the hell out of here!

M2: I will, but just to clarify my point, what’s my son’s name – without looking it up online?

HB: Kelly!

M2: Take a break.

HB: Don’t f’ing touch the Aztek on your way out. …and I’ve got diarrhea cramps. Monty!

M2: It’s probably the stress.

HB: Get out! Also, I’ll have you know, Hernan is interested in the Aztek.

M2: It’s an outstandingly ugly vehicle, and he honestly deserves it.

HB: Good! (phone rings). Hernan! Nah, it’s cool, he’s leaving. Hell yeah we take Discover. You have a $1k limit? Hernan, that’s more than 2k less than the value… I understand. Yes, fun bargains are accepted. What do you mean by sex stuff?