Bloody Brunch, Britches!

It’s Saturday, so that means brunch! Brunch, bitches! And who’s joining us – my bestie from prep school, Mary “The Britch” Tudor! Mary I, queen of mother f’ing England and Ireland, restorer of Catholicism after her fat, ugly dad went through so many women like a Protestant at a yard sale (her words, not mine – also, no idea what that means)… Bloody Mary!!! Celery salt, celery salt, celery salt!

M: Ugh, pancakes. Just want some pancakes with my…

Together: Bloody Mary!

M: Seriously though, the new job sucks already.

HB: Oh, that’s right, Mary started her first job…ever…at f’ing 35!

M: It’s 2 days a week at Corepower Yoga with a bunch of old divorcees – so it’s like a 40-hour week, mentally.

HB: Like your Mom?

M: Shut the fuck up!

HB: Oh my god, Mary, I thought you were over that?

M: No, shut the fuck up, I told you last week it’s still f’ing bothering me.

HB: Mary went to the bathroom, so it’s gonna be another 40 minutes. (to server) Could we get 4 more Marys while I wait – she’s gonna want, like, three. You know who you look like, Hannah Montana, but like not in a good way.

M: Brrrritches!

HB: Oh thank god, you’re normal again. Here, fugly Montana brought you three more Marys. I’m so sorry.

M: About what, I don’t even know what you’re talking about? I took a nasty vodka shit and cried a little bit, so we’re good.

M: Just don’t bring up Catherine again… I’ll chop your neck off, but not all the way, like only halfway so you’re still alive for a few minutes. You know?

HB: Yeah, Mary, I totally get it. Jesus Christ…

M: I’m kidding!

HB: I know! Britches!

HB: How’s Brad?

M: Oh, you mean Tae Kwan Do Brad?

HB: Huh?

M: Oh yeah, hot Brad from Corepower also teaches Tae Kwan Do at the Y. So, that’s over.

(server spills drink)

Server: Oh my god, I am so sorry.

M: I think you meant to do that.

HB: Mary, please, not now, just…enjoy.

M: No, I think she meant to do that. Oh, what a pretty necklace. It’s a cross, but where’s the crucified Jesus?

Server: I don’t know. My mom got this for me when I was young.

HB: Just run, please. I’m sorry I said those things earlier. She has this effect on me.

M: Oh, your mom’s in your life. That’s nice.

HB: Mary, put down the butter knife.

M: Shut your shit mouth… No, I’m going to put all 5 inches of this dull blade in her spine.

M: I’m kidding!

Everyone: Brithces!!!!