Monday, February 28, 2011

Jackson the Jogger

Myth:  Andrew Jackson has often been disparaged as a man, who was, in a crude sense, the architect of the Trail of Tears – the forced removal of Native American tribes residing in what would now be called the Deep South.  The purge of many of the tribes, namely the Cherokee, Chickasaw, Choctaw and Seminole, was initiated by the passing of the Indian Removal Act of 1830.  Many of the Native Americans died en route to their new locations in present-day Oklahoma and the surrounding area due to exposure, starvation and disease.  Andrew Jackson, an otherwise highly celebrated American president, had blood on his hands after propagating such a barbarous agenda.

Fact:  Andrew Jackson, Old-Hickory himself, was by no means a barbarian.  The Indian Removal Act, or the Trail of Tears if you side with the ignorant faction of historians, was in fact a grossly misunderstood piece of legislation during the Jackson administration.  Jackson was actually quite compassionate toward his native brethren, often deeply concerned about their aloofness and twisted sense of belonging to the fledgling nation.  He thought they had become an idle people, bitter over their status among the throngs of white Americans.  He had a plan – a simple plan.  Jackson often jogged in the mornings, and after each jog he felt rejuvenated, even feeling a sense of belonging and accomplishment after such a simple exercise.  Why not implement a Presidential Fitness Plan for his disheartened comrades?  He would carve out a glorious nature trail from the Deep South to the Midwest that the American Indians could jog on.  Along the trail there would exist wooden workout equipment every few miles so the natives could perform push-ups and chin-ups while enjoying their invigorating jog.  “I want this trail to be so majestic that it brings a tear to one’s eye,” Jackson said during a meeting regarding the proposed legislation.  Jackson even went so far as to propose awards for those who finished in the top ten percent of their jogging group.  Awards would include a certificate, a Presidential Fitness Plan pin and recognition at each Native American’s respective high school.  Such a grandiose and generous plan deserves praise, not condemnation.  The problem lies in later historians’ misinterpretations of antiquated terms and the reason for the high casualties.  The term “jogging” would be unknown to Jackson in his day, for the act of jogging was referred to as “removing” – as in removing the foot from the ground and placing it in another place, often in front of the other foot.  Hence, the Indian Removal Act would be translated as the Indian Jogging Act in today’s terminology.  Furthermore, most of the Native Americans were unaware of the importance of hydrating; instead they would often ate maize and squash when feeling parched.  The death of so many was in fact due to heat exhaustion and dehydration during strenuous exercise.  Jackson never forgave himself for not suggesting the use of a Nalgene bottle, a popular accessory among the whites of the day.  So, let us celebrate this American hero and president as a man who advocated exercise as a means to gain excellence.  He was America’s physical education teacher.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Toga Party






Myth:  On the Ides of March – March 15th – 44 B.C., Julius Caesar, then dictator of the Roman Republic was stabbed to death by a band of Roman Senators in the Theater of Pompey.  Those involved, self-titled the Liberatores, included some of his ostensible closest friends, most notably Marcus Iunius Brutus.  The plotting Senators wished to see Rome become a Republic of the people once more, and wrest away power from Julius Caesar as the self-proclaimed dictator perpetuo of Rome.

Fact:  The date of assassination was not March 15th, but rather March 17th, St. Patrick’s Day.  St. Patrick’s Day did not have its foundation in Ireland as most people believe, but was actually created by Caesar himself due to his fancy for wearing green, beating up Senators who supported the Yankeesium – the popular Roman staff-and-sheep bladder team – and drinking as much wine as possible before passing out on the lawns of a chariot racetrack.  Most other Senators loved the idea of St. Patrick’s Day and on this fateful year of 44 B.C. Brutus and several other the frattier Senators wanted to “punk” Caesar as a way of showing thanks to him and to the gods for this glorious holiday.  Several of the Senators, including Brutus, bought fake, retractable knives with the intention of scaring Caesar into thinking he was being overthrown as dictator during the mid-afternoon beer-pong match.  Just as Caesar was lining up a shot for a back row cup, Brutus, his teammate during the game, unsheathed what he believed to be his fake knife and stabbed Caesar in the heart.  Unbeknownst to Brutus, he had unsheathed his real dagger and stabbed his dearest friend in the chest.  Quickly, the game took a morbid turn as drunken Senators realized what had actually transpired.  Brutus, falling to his knees, proclaimed, “It was just supposed to be a joke, bro.  It was just a joke…”   Caesar looked upon Brutus and whispered, “And you, Brutus…can you see if my shot went in?”  Brutus dutifully arose and looked into the last standing cup to find a blood-tinged ball floating on the surface.  Caesar exhaled his last breath with a grin, knowing he had won the match.  It is said that Brutus carried the red-stained ball on his person at all times during the remainder of his days.  Its location is now a long-forgotten mystery.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Hate Crime on the Senate Floor

Myth:  On May 22, 1856, Congressman Preston Brooks of South Carolina severely beat Senator Charles Sumner of Massachusetts after Sumner delivered a vehement anti-slavery speech, singling out Brooks in the process.  Most historians note this vicious incident as a means to underscore the rising sectarianism in America - sectarianism that would ultimately lead to the onset of the US Civil War.

Fact:  Though it is true that tensions were increasing between North and South, Brooks did not beat Sumner with his cane because he was incensed by Sumner's abolitionist rhetoric.  Earlier in the day, a fellow South Carolinian overheard Sumner calling Brooks a finnynimp - slang at the time that would most closely be related to calling someone gay in today's world.  The unknown South Carolina compatriot later passed a note to Brooks during the afternoon Senate session detailing what Sumner had said.  Since Brooks was known for his machismo - it has been said that Brooks was able to bend four hoop-and-stick sets in under a minute - it is understandable that he took great offense to being called a finnynimp.  And so the beating ensued as Brooks relentlessly hit Sumner with his aged mahogany and bedazzled cane, leaving Sumner incapacitated for nearly three years.  It is true the Civil War was fueled by fiery anti-slavery rhetoric, but gay slurs were an equally notable cause.