Myth: The University of Oxford, more commonly
referred to as Oxford University, is one of the world’s most prestigious
academic institutions, consistently ranking in the top 10 across several
veritable publications. Though the
actual foundation date is unknown, there is record of teaching occurring in the
year 1096, making this hallowed institution nearly a millennium old. Students, both undergraduate and
graduate, converge upon this sleepy cerebral town from myriad countries,
displaying disparate financial backgrounds and tutorial interests. One can study quantum mechanics to
American history to medieval literature within the centuries-old halls that dot
this English town’s landscape with their eerie gargoyles and imposing wooden
doors. Steeped in tradition and
excellence, Oxonians still take examinations wearing traditional academic garb
(it was mandatory that students where academic gowns at all times up until the
1960s) and can walk the same pristine grounds as 26 prime ministers, 12 saints,
47 Nobel Prize winners, Sir Walter Raleigh, Stephen Hawking, Oscar Wilde,
Aldous Huxley, Edwin Hubble, Samuel Johnson, J.R.R Tolkien, along with other
notable alumni. An ever-demanding
institution, Oxford continues to push the boundaries of research and produce some
of the world’s most prominent leaders, thinkers and innovators.
Fact: Oxford University was actually founded
in the year 1000, ninety-six years before the estimated date of
establishment. Ironically, the
year 1000 was the infamous Year of the Waspy Douchenozzle in
Chinese culture, only to later be replaced by the Year of the Ox during the
next cycle. Medieval manuscripts
point to a well-known knight, belonging to the Order of the British Face (a
fearsome group of warriors with equally fearsome British faces), as founder of
the university: Malcolm Turtlepenis of Wuxley, better known among his comrades
as Malcolm in the Middle due to his
tendency to shield himself among others during battle and his habit of telling
tired-out jokes about marriage.
Turtlepenis came from a long line of wealthy noblemen, but his courage
was non-existent, thus often shaming the family name and Wuxley. Malcolm did not want to lose his right
to his estates as first-born son of Hedleywinthashley Turtlepenis, so he
utilized his innate cunning to save face – or at least British face.* A scholar was not one to fight
because of his lack of athleticism and Asperger-esque proclivities, and Malcolm
had the monetary means to establish his own house of learning – a place he
could namedrop so others knew he didn’t have to live the life of a warrior, or
even work at all for that matter.
So in the year 1000 A.D., Turtlepenis left the Order and claimed a deed
to land northeast of London where oxen were common and rivers were
numerous. Indulging his false
sense of wit, he executed a classic British tradition and entitled the budding
college Oxford, thereby setting
off a polite stream of chuckles.
Tea followed. The original
charter for admission to Oxford mandated only the following: Item I - A man entering Oxford must
enjoy Monty Python and only Monty Python, and when in the presence of other
Oxonians must make reference to a Monty Python bit, everything else is below an
Oxford Man; Item II – When asked where one goes to college, an Oxford man will
simply reply “in England” and field the inevitable further questions with
equally vague answers until said student arrives at the answer of Oxford, thus
feigning humility; Item III – Must be able to run awkwardly, though if one’s
gait is athletically acceptable, he may yet be admitted if he reaches the trust
fund threshold, wears driving shoes, and exhibits the proper shaggy hair as to
say “yeah, I’m rich, who the fuck cares.”; Item IV – Wear a large pinky ring. Those were the four items to which
Oxford men had to abide. And so
began the “education as status” phenomenon that spawned the likes of Harvard,
Cambridge, Yale, Booth School of Business** and Cornell. If you accepted the last school as
fact, you just failed the infamous Dewey Inquiry into College Caste Systems,
better known as DICCS.
*Sadly, British Face is now a verified genetic disorder with
no known cure
**Booth School of Business at University of Chicago is only
recognized in the finance and corporate sectors because it’s only fucking
business school. It’s like a
masters degree in Frat Studies and Psychopathic Methods (apologies to my
current boss and brother-in-law).
