Duh, Duchess

History Bros’ guest this week is the youngest daughter of the last tsar of Russia, Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna! Most famously known for her fictionalized escape by Disney and his goof troop, Anastasia was just a girl in a teenage wasteland. A Russian teenage wasteland.

This week’s episode is brought to you by the 2004 Honda Accord. The 2004 Honda Accord, perfect for a teenage girl in an Iraqi war world. Honda Accord. Safe. Mediocre. Honda Accord. 2004.

Anastasia, take it away:

Hey, old guy, thanks for…

Whatever.

So, look. Brad said he’s going to prom with Olga, but I know Brad doesn’t even like Olga. It’s a just a pity prom invite. Yeah, she blossomed early, but that’s so far gone now. We’re not still in 7^th grade, Olga! Let it go.

Do you have Wifi here? Doesn’t matter. Turning off wifi and using cellular… Daddyovich is going to be pissed, but whatever.

Look. Chad likes Olga and she knows it, but the Brad thing has totally warped her mind. She can’t do better than Chad. I don’t know if they’ll get married or whatever, but she can’t do better than Chad. It’s messing with her mind. Stop living in 7^th grade already. It’s so long ago!

And look. Vince has been giving me eyes during gym. Ew. But I wouldn’t say no. But he’s also in a friend-zone. Because he fucking likes Olga! And I have to hear about it during softball. Every. Damn. Day.

Look, Vince, it’s not 7^th grade anymore! Olga, it’s our junior year, we’re not kids anymore. Get over it!

Look, it’s not 7^th grade. Anymore. Carter!

I’m just go alone and have fun with frooonds. Wish I were dead anyway. I’m gonna haunt the shit outta Lenin.

Hamilton on Hamilton

Still sold out across cities in America, Hamilton continues to deliver and delight audiences. History Bros welcomes back longtime friend and gunshot victim, Alexander Hamilton, to address some of the misunderstandings and assumptions perpetuated by the show.

As always, History Bros is sponsored by a reliable but outdated car model. This week’s model is the Nissan Sentra: Nissan Sentra, we’ll see you at the Avis economy lot.

Alex, take it away!



Thanks, History Bros. Nissan Sentra. Wonderful ride from O’Hare International Airport. No complaints. Stopped at Portillo’s, because that’s what you’re supposed to do when in Chicago, I guess. I’d compare it to the Nissan Sentra - reliable and unassuming. I get it. Put fuel in and keep going. Cool.

So, first off, I still haven’t seen my own goddamn show because I never win the lottery. Granted, I was super on top of it for half a year, then I started forgetting to enter even though my work colleagues at John Hancock Financial (yes, I’m in my fifth as an agent with John Hancock Financial) would keep talking about it...just didn’t care anymore. Thought the prices would go down. “Oh, I’ll wait a few more years, when the prices are lower.” Still hasn’t happened. Still waiting. I think I’m just waiting for someone to ask me. And then you have these people, like Ben Franklin, who’s seen it 7 times. 7 times! How many times do you need to see a show!? Yeah, I saw Cats a lot, but capped out at 3. Great show, great show, but not worth 7 tickets…

Whatever.

A lot of people still think I’m Puerto Rican. No. I’m a white dude who was born at a Sandals Resort in St. Kitts and Nevis. I heard Lin Manuel Miranda did a great job - still haven’t seen it, Ben! - heard he did a great job, but just because he’s Puerto Rican doesn’t mean I’m Puerto Rican. Don’t get me wrong, I think Puerto Ricans should have the right to vote in presidential elections, they’ve definitely gotten the shaft. You know who was a great Puerto Rican? Roberto Clemente. What an arm! His life ended too early, way too early. That! That I get it! 3,000 hit club…. Clemente. Anyway, yeah, I grew up on buffets at the Sandals Resort in St Kitts and Nevis. And I can tell you one thing: there is a limit to how much buffet prime rib you can eat. There’s a limit. God, great fucking arm on Clemente.

What else? Oh, yeah, I didn’t throw away my shot! I was trying to murder that motherfucker Burr before he murdered me. Guy was a piece of shit. You know he maced me before I shot? That’s the dirty rat he is, pulling that Cobra Kai shit on me. 8...9..10..turn and blinded by Burr’s fucking tiny can of mace. I throw my gun toward him in frustration and then he shoots me. And of course I don’t die right away. Of course. I think he did that on purpose. He’s vindictive! I heard Lin Manuel made him look like shit, so kudos to him, but again, still haven’t seen it. Ben, are you going for an 8th time?

Guy’s not even tried for murder! Burr murders me and he gets off! Ok, political pariah, but I would assume so if you f’ing murder someone!

Damnit.

Ok, to sum up. Nissan Sentra and Portillo’s: meh. I’m not Puerto Rican, but that sweet, sweet arm of Clemente is Puerto Rican. Burr’s a dick. I was maced. Ben Franklin is a dick, too, but he wouldn’t mace anyone during a duel.

Do you validate parking?