Phat Adolph

Hubba bubba, it’s been a long time yet again. This time the blame lies completely with my undercover journalistic assignment of infiltrating a local middle school, posing as hot, 7^th grader Chaz Holbroom and exposing rampant bullying. The piece never hit the presses since I ended up beating the shit out of Kyle for making fun of my balding head and questioning my age. I want to apologize to Kyle, but I really can’t until he recognizes the systemic bullying plaguing Holy Trinity Middle School and his crucial role amidst it all. Kyle, I’ll be doing community service with the Boys and Girls Club for the next 8 months, so feel free to come on down, be the bigger dweeb, and apologize.

With that out of the way, let’s welcome our last guest of 2017: Mr. Ochs – famed owner and editor of the New York Times during the late 19^th and early 20^th century!

HB: Mr. Ochs! Do you prefer Mr. Ochs or?

AO: Adolph will do.

HB: Oh. That’s a shame.

AO: It’s the cooler version, like ph-at, not f-at.

HB: Great point. Speaking of points, you committed yourself to objective journalism after taking over the New York Times in 1896… Oop, I just found out you’re Jewish, so the whole Adolph thing is more benign now. I thought your parents were just dicks.

AO: My mother, Bertha, supported the confederacy, so the label still works.

HB: I guess Bertha was a dick. Hey! Are you guys recycling old crosswords puzzles lately? I’m getting a sense you are.

AO: (winks)

HB: No. No, that’s not a good thing at all. Why the hell would you wink at me? What am I supposed to do now, the USA Today? They have a fucking word search next to the crossword. Totally delegitimizes the whole thing.

AO: Look, we print all the news that’s fit to print.  And right now, the crossword isn’t fit to print.

HB: You’re still printing it! The same size! It’s just reused material!

AO: Did you know Times Square was named after my paper in 1904?

HB: Oh, no way! There’s an ESPN Zone there.

AO: I saw you pitch that 50 mph fastball that one time.

HB: You saw that?! What’s your favorite dish at the Zone?

AO: Slugger Salad

HB: Ahh, no way – me too! That’s all the time we have today as Adolph Ochs has seduced me with his objective charm.

AO: Have you ever seen a KenKen?

HB: It’s like Sudoku, but you have to add and subtract!

AO: Tell me again about that fastball you threw at ESPN Zone.

HB: I can tell you that Kyle can't throw a sweet 50 mph fastball.  Do you need an investigative reporter by chance?

Spoiler: William Henry Harrison Dies in the End

History Bros is back after a months-long mental health break! We were hit with everything: OCD, ADD, ADHD, Tourette’s Syndrome, neuroses, some kind of palsy, diarrhea. Let me tidy up my desk four times in a row…and we’re good to go. Alright, hey, we’ve got a real war hero here today! President William Henry Harrison. Victor at the Battle of Tippecanoe, which was later used as a douchy jingle during your presidential campaign. Say it with me!

HB: Tippecanoe and…

WHH: Tyler too!

HB: We did it! Will, you were born in Berkeley. Must’ve been really cool. Are you a skateboarder, or?

WHH: Berkeley Plantation, Virginia.

HB: Oh. I don’t want to talk about that. That’s disappointing that you don’t skateboard.

WHH: It was a beautiful place, I…

HB: I don’t want to talk about it, Will! Plus, I’m gonna have to scrap all of these kickflip questions and Tony Hawk bits.

WHH: *Cough*

HB: Whoa, hey! Don’t. Not near me, please. Just got back from a mental health break. Don’t need to get sick, Willis.

WHH: I’m sure it’s nothing.

HB: It sounds like something.

HB: I can’t, I’m sorry, Will. Not today, please. Again, I’m sorry.  We’ll reschedule for another time. Talk to Thomas on your way out and he’ll set you up.

HB: Thomas! Can you validate Will’s parking and bring me some purell!

UPDATE* Will passed away 31 days later after this taping. RIP Tippy.

Francisco's Trust Fall

Hey! History Bros is back after attending a men’s spiritual retreat in the Poconos. I learned I’m not great at addressing conflict AND my spirit animal is the common housefly.  Great time for decompression, but still dealing with the lingering Lyme disease. Great Bear Men’s Spiritual Retreats – includes a free large t-shirt and a standing room seat to a Poconos NASCAR race. Heal yourself!

Today’s guest came with us on the Great Bear retreat and exorcised his soul of some festering psychological wounds and deep guilt. He was great at the ropes course, but still has some work ahead with trust and father-son issues.  Francisco Pizarro! Conqueror of the Inca Empire and illegitimate son!

HB: Cisco, again, great work on the ropes – you’re like a cat!

FP: Thank you! And YOU… You really opened up about confidence and care of oneself.  I think that was a breakthrough for the entire group.

HB: How’s dad?

FP: Dad still doesn’t recognize me as legitimate…  My mother does, but she’s low-born.  It’s not enough! Daddy! Daddy!

HB: Trust fall!

FB: Catch me!

HB: Better?

FB: Better…

HB: Cisco…actually better?

FB: I want to murder one thousand Incas!!

HB: Do you, or do you want your father to notice you by conquering an empire via brutal means? 

Because, maybe, he was brutal to you…in a way…maybe?

FB: I want to marry all of Atahualpa’s former wives!!

HB: God, Cisco, Atahualpa has been through enough already. He's dead because of your misplaced sense of rejection.

FB: Daddy murdered him!!

HB: YOU murdered him! Trust fall!

FB: Trust fall!

HB: He fell the other way and is now unconscious.  Alright folks, till next time.  Keep the legs elevated?

Patrick "Tilted Kilt" Henry

This episode of History Bros is brought to you by your local college’s summer gifted program for your tween child.  Instill a false sense of arrogance at a young age, which will inevitably lead to a sense of failure in the future…at your local college’s summer gifted program for tweens. Nerds!

Speaking of nerds, today’s guest is that drunk guy that won’t stop repeating the same “The Hangover” quote at 2am. Patrick Henry!

PH: Give me liberty, or…

HB: Don’t.

PH: Give me boobies! I said that at a Tilted Kilt once.

HB: Were you kicked out?

PH: Yes, but, only because I had had too much Wild Turkey!  Give me liberty, or…

HB: Please stop.

PH: Give me a break…Kit Kat Bar.

HB: I actually like that one.

PH: I do too

HB: Patrick, would you actually prefer death if you couldn’t have liberty?

PH: No. It was all a lot of hot talk, and then people started dying, so it was like “oh shit, this got real 

after some hot talk!”

HB: Right, I get it.  Plus, some of the largest battles, like only 150 men would die on one side.

PH: I know, and I’m not even fighting, so who gives a shit.  Hey, you like Tilted Kilt?

HB: Um, can’t say I do.

PH: Me neither.  They kicked me out once.

HB: I know.

PH: Remember when Mike Tyson was in “The Hangover”?

HB: Patrick Henry, everyone!

(W)ilbur is for Loser

We’re back after many months of searching for a new sponsor! RC Cola! Do you have Coke? No? Pepsi? No? Fanta? Really? RC Cola! Diabetic mediocrity: RC Cola! Ginger ale? No!? Really?

Anyway, today we’re speaking with the lesser, bald Wright brother: Wilbur. His name even lets me down.

HB: Wilbur, what was it like to fly…for less than 30 seconds?

WW: Exhilarating! But then the excitement wore off when I realized that my brother’s, Orville’s, hair was flowing wildly in the wind.  I became self-conscious and slid on a cap, at which point I crashed.

HB: I understand.  Angry because you just kept your head stationary while a cold wind whipped your stubble?

WW: It’s deflating.

HB: Ohio or North Carolina, who was first in aviation?

WW: North Carolina, because Cleveland, right!?

HB: Yahahahaha

WW: Yahahahaha

HB: Shut up!  …Kitty Hawk.  What’s the deal?

WW: It’s named after an old, old woman’s kitten that was eaten by a hawk.

HB: Makes sense.

WW: My brother didn’t invent popcorn, if that’s your next question.

HB: Nice to meet you, Wilbur!  Until next time.

Clam Chowder with Mussolini

History Bros is back after yet another long break! I took it upon myself to search for the best wings in the country, and guess what, they’re at Hooters.  Hooters: where groping, Florida and 1991 converge! Hooters. Fun fact: I once had the New England clam chowder at a Hooters in Colorado Springs in 2005.  Hooters…people eat soup there. Hooters! Now that that’s out of the way, let’s welcome back a friend of the show – but enemy of the people – Benito Mussolini. We’ll talk about fascism, Rogaine and tea. 1991!

HB: B! Nice to see you again.  Please, indulge in the Bigelow in front of you.

BM: No, grazie.

HB: Nito, if you don’t drink it, the bit doesn’t work.

BM: Espresso?

HB: Take a fucking sip!

BM: Fine!

HB: And…tea with Mussolini!

HB:  Can I have the mug back?  We only have three working mugs.  Nito, why still the fascism?

BM: I like to wear black.  That, and the hat.

HB: Fair enough.  Fascism for fashion. I get it.

BM: You always wear that stickball hat.

HB: Baseball cap…but yeah, I do. It’s because I’m bald.

BM: Ha!

HB: And you forgot you are, too?

BM: Aw.

HB: What did you think you were gonna get out of that, you bully?  Give me that mug back…

BM: 83 percent! 83 percent of men retain or regrow hair! Rogaine lied to me, and now I will crush them!

HB: B, it’s just for the crown – they don’t take into account male pattern baldness. You can’t keep “crushing” people because of your own insecurities.

BM: But they disappoint, d—

HB: Are you crying?

BM: I have gelato in my eye!

HB: You’re so weird.  A first on History Bros: dictator crying!

HB:  Hey, buddy.  You want some soup?

BM: Yes.

HB: Ok, I know a great place that sells soup AND nostalgia!

BM: I like living in the past.

HB: I know you do, B. You like boobies and stickball, yeah?

BM: Yeah.

HB: Hooters! Nito, you can be my creepy uncle who says racist shit at a Hooters at three in the afternoon.

BM: I’d like that.

HB: I know you would. Bye!