History Bros is glad to be back after a brief stint at an
elite MBA program. Long story short, I
ended up in tears during the 2nd day of my Negotiations 101 course,
I lost $145 Million in fake money because I blindly invested in a pager/smart
phone venture that I THOUGHT would take off, and my professor called me a weak
dipweed. It hasn’t affected me one
bit. Not at all. I can confront others without crying. Speaking of non-confrontation, we have an
elusive special guest today: the Mrs. Amelia Earhart! She is alive and well, Bros fan. I catch up with her and ask poignant
questions like, “Where the fuck did you go?”
HB: Amelia, great to have you on the program. Great tan.
AE: Thank you, glad to be here.
HB: Amelia, I think we’re all wondering, “Where the fuck
have you been?” If you had one of these
smartphone/pagers – a Phager, if you will – you could’ve called, OR paged!
AE: I’m sorry, are you selling something?
HB: No.
AE: Are, are you crying?
HB: NO! Quick bathroom break for History Bros. Stay tuned!
(Music from Phager)
HB: Alright, so,
before we get down to your decades-long whereabouts, let’s talk about the early
you? You were born and raised in Kansas,
reared by a mother who flouted the norm of the times and rejected the idea of
raising dutiful, subservient girls.
AE: Yeah, mother was a real inspiration into my and Pidge’s
life. She…
HB: I’m sorry, I have
to cut you off. Pidge?
AE: Yes, Pidge. My little sister.
HB: Was, um…there something “wrong” with her?
AE: No, why?
HB: I just, I
dunno. Nevermind. Did she bag groceries at the local general
store?
AE: That seems oddly specific.
HB: Hey! So, you were, for all intents and purposes, a
leader of proto-feminism during your day.
Kudos!
AE: Yeah, yeah. Again, my mother instilled a sense of wonder
and adventure in us girls. She advocated
a drive to go beyond the cramped confines of women those days – to upend the
establishment.
HB: And Pidge was
there! Hey, I get it. I have a cousin
who counts utilizing color schemes. It’s
really cool. (Wink).
AE: Yeah, I
guess. Anyway, I started an all-female
aviation organization, the Ninety-Nines.
Even managed to break into the faculty at Purdue’s aviation department.
HB: Go Boilmakers!
AE: Meh.
HB: Ha, yeah I don’t really care either. Alright, let’s get down to brass tacks. Where the fuck have you been? After your disappearance over the central
Pacific Ocean during an attempted circumnavigation flight, a years-long search
ensued. Most popularly, the “Where The
Fuck Is Amelia Earhart” posters appeared all over the world.
AE: I see they’re selling t-shirts and all sorts of
novelties now with that phrase emblazoned on each product.
HB: Yeah, I don’t own
one. Jimmy! Can you take down the poster in the
bathroom! Jimmy!
Jimmy: Yeah, but you
just told me to get it framed at Michael’s…
HB: Jimmy!
HB: Sorry about that.
Amelia, where the fuck have you been?
AE: [Sigh] I grew tired of the limelight… I wanted to disappear. I emasculated my husband, I angered a lot of
people, and all the while, I also garnered an ever-growing fanbase of girls and
women who looked to me for answers. For
everything. I…I…just wanted one day, a single day, to be a princess. Are you crying again?
HB: No, continue…
AE: I landed on a remote island somewhere in the central
Pacific with all of these thoughts muddying my cognition, muddying me. It just so happened that the island was a
man-made one, secretly built by Walt Disney.
I had met a cruise ship performer, Stephi – fantastic baton-twirler by
the way – and she turned me on to the Disney performance program.
HB: You worked on a
cruise ship?
AE: I put in thirty
years. 25 of those as Cinderella, an
outlet I so longed for. And 5 as Mulan.
HB: Wait…
AE: We ran into some
hiring issues that later resulted in a lot of people being fired for profiling.
HB: And now, you’re back?
AE: I guess. Yeah. Now I just need to apologize to all of those
I hurt, those I left behind.
HB: Amelia, you do
realize they’re all dead, right?
AE: Even lil’ Pidge?
HB: Definitely lil’
Pidge.
HB: Let’s go watch
Castaway AND Vanilla Sky to gain some perspective on reintroducing yourself to
society.
