Hubba bubba, it’s been a long time yet again. This time the
blame lies completely with my undercover journalistic assignment of infiltrating a local middle school, posing as hot, 7th
grader Chaz Holbroom and exposing rampant bullying. The piece never hit the
presses since I ended up beating the shit out of Kyle for making fun of my
balding head and questioning my age. I want to apologize to Kyle, but I really
can’t until he recognizes the systemic bullying plaguing Holy Trinity Middle School
and his crucial role amidst it all. Kyle, I’ll be doing community service with
the Boys and Girls Club for the next 8 months, so feel free to come on down, be
the bigger dweeb, and apologize.
With that out of the way, let’s welcome our last guest of 2017:
Mr. Ochs – famed owner and editor of the New York Times during the late 19th
and early 20th century!
HB: Mr. Ochs! Do you prefer Mr. Ochs or?
AO: Adolph will do.
HB: Oh. That’s a shame.
AO: It’s the cooler version, like ph-at, not f-at.
HB: Great point. Speaking of points, you committed yourself
to objective journalism after taking over the New York Times in 1896… Oop, I
just found out you’re Jewish, so the whole Adolph thing is more benign now. I
thought your parents were just dicks.
AO: My mother, Bertha, supported the confederacy, so the
label still works.
HB: I guess Bertha was a dick. Hey! Are you guys recycling
old crosswords puzzles lately? I’m getting a sense you are.
AO: (winks)
HB: No. No, that’s not a good thing at all. Why the hell would
you wink at me? What am I supposed to do now, the USA Today? They have a
fucking word search next to the crossword. Totally delegitimizes the whole
thing.
AO: Look, we print all the news that’s fit to print. And right now, the crossword isn’t fit to print.
HB: You’re still printing it! The same size! It’s just
reused material!
AO: Did you know Times Square was named after my paper in
1904?
HB: Oh, no way! There’s an ESPN Zone there.
AO: I saw you pitch that 50 mph fastball that one time.
HB: You saw that?! What’s your favorite dish at the Zone?
AO: Slugger Salad
HB: Ahh, no way – me too! That’s all the time we have today
as Adolph Ochs has seduced me with his objective charm.
AO: Have you ever seen a KenKen?
HB: It’s like Sudoku, but you have to add and subtract!
AO: Tell me again about that fastball you threw at ESPN Zone.
HB: I can tell you that Kyle can't throw a sweet 50 mph fastball. Do you need an investigative reporter by chance?
