Franklin, Filthy Franklin

Myth:  Benjamin Franklin, renowned Renaissance man and Founding Father of the United States of America, was known as something of a promiscuous statesman.  Though Franklin did indeed produce an illegitimate son, William, this stigma of unbounded sexuality is unwarranted.  Franklin, establishing a common-law marriage with Ms. Deborah Read in 1730, was true to the woman whose hand in marriage was summarily rejected by her widowed mother prior to their common-law marriage.  Furthermore, Franklin was forthright about his illegitimate son from the onset, bringing the child into his and Deborah’s home subsequently after the public acknowledgment.  Serving abroad as US minister to both France and Sweden, Franklin was a popular character among both men and women – he often kept up correspondence with various women, and though tinged with flirtation, it was generally intellectual in nature.  Franklin’s will explicitly stated that his grave simply read Benjamin and Deborah Franklin, a testament to his love for his wife and ardent belief in a virtuous life.

             

Fact:  Virtuous?  Franklin was the farthest thing from it.  Benjamin was a sex-craved deviant, only empowered further by his dashing good looks.  Before one jumps to any judgment regarding Franklin’s status as “Ye Olde Loin Liberator,” you must remember that standards for general attractiveness were much different in the 18^th century.  Hair and rippling delts were inferior to one’s longevity in a time defined by a shockingly low life expectancy.  Good health in old age was the era’s aphrodisiac.  Franklin’s debauchery started at an early age in Boston, penning less notable – and less staid – titles as Poor Richard’s Almanac of Boston Taverns and the Pussy Therein.  Paling in comparison to Franklin’s much more praiseworthy almanac, the first was nevertheless exhaustive in its research of some 350 taverns in colonial Boston and the relative ease of getting laid at said taverns.  As Franklin continued to climb the political ranks, other noteworthy statesmen of the day were in awe of Franklin’s sexual prowess; some were even outright jealous of the old man’s success in the bedroom.  Thomas Jefferson, totes hot by today’s standards, did not hold a candle to Franklin’s supremacy as a Casanova.  “He layeth down the French, the British, and even the pearls of the Orient, and I still sit idle, biding my time with the greatest vaginal deterrent to have ever lived, John Adams.  Goddamn John Adams.  Well, I still have Sally Hemmings, but that’s like paying for a prostitute – I feel no more nobler.”  Franklin’s notoriety as a playboy extended beyond the realm of the United States, as he was a welcome guest at all of Europe’s greatest galas.  Old Benjamin is said to have set the modern precedent of Halloween as the de facto “excuse to be slutty” day.  Paris in 1784 saw the first Bros and Scary Ho’s party, where women of the French elite showed a bit more ankle and wrist, donning prepackaged costumes such as Sexy Marie Antoinette or Sexy Homemaker.  Though a hedonist at heart, Franklin used his innate promiscuity for good.  He is attributed with single-handedly distracting British troops by disseminating a pamphlet detailing hot encounters with lonely British wives – a sure distraction for a British people known to engage in sexual activity at a mandatory distance of 40 yards.  Death and taxes were not the only two inevitabilities of Franklin’s life, but rather they were death, taxes and the entrancement of women by well-coifed side hair.

Blackbeard's Ironic Beard

Myth:  Edward Teach, more commonly and notoriously known as Blackbeard, is the archetype of the 17^th and 18^th century pirate who would roam the exponentially popular trade routes crossing through the Caribbean and coasts of the British colonies of North America.  Little is known about Blackbeard, but educated speculation points to a man possibly raised in a respectable, wealthy family; someone who could read and write; and one of many who capitalized on the increased shipping traffic of the West Indies following Queen Anne’s War in the early 18^th century.  Contrary to popular belief, most privateers-turned-pirates of this day in age were not necessarily of the fiendish sort most imagine them to be; rather, they were often pardoned by their respective governments from time to time and compelled to capture and loot enemy nations’ ships.  Nevertheless, Blackbeard was branded a criminal, as he often utilized means of intimidation rather than outright slaughter to subdue his victims.  After various operations outside wealthy port towns such as Charles Towne (Charleston), South Carolina, Teach settled around the coast of North Carolina.  Various colonial governors continued to express concern over the pirate’s continued escapades, and so it fell upon Lieutenant Robert Maynard’s shoulders to put an end to Teach’s career aboard his beloved Queen Anne’s Revenge.  Maynard’s men spotted Blackbeard and his men near Ocracoke Island on the evening of November 21^st, 1718.  The following morning a vicious battle ensued, resulting in the death and beheading of Edward Teach, soon to be mounted on Maynard’s sails both as a warning and a means to collect his bounty.

Fact:  Much more is known about Edward Teach than most historians admit, most likely due to the fact that Edward Teach is really not worth noting in the annals of history.  Born into an upper-middle class suburban Bristol, UK family and raised in a two-sloop garage type of home, Teach was your classic bored, suburban white boy.  Excelling in English and Comparative Literature, he finished Eton in 3 years and then opted to attend the newly founded Sarah Lawrence College to pursue English and Shakespearean Literature and Effects on Sustainability.  He also cited “a need to find my own path and unique identity in this conformist world” as reasons for matriculating to a British North American liberal arts college.  Concurrently, the age-old off-and on obsession with moustaches and beards began to hit its stride while Teach was at Sarah Lawrence.  And as history has consistently shown us, the moustache/beard obsession is often accompanied by infatuations with pirates, ninjas, gramophones and old-school bicycles (we currently reside during one of these asinine and tedious times, though historians agree that a decline is in progress).  And so it began.  Teach first grew mutton chops, and then graduated to a full-on thick, black, Arcadian Fire-worthy (think Arcade Fire but with fifes) beard while dissecting the possibility that Chaucer might be gay in his senior level English seminars.  Since Teach wasn’t that much of a fan of the Orient (Oh sure, he would laugh at a good ninja joke now and then out of respect), he opted for the pirate route.  After graduation, his beard thicker than ever, friends began to call him Blackbeard, an ironic nod to the matter-of-factness the nickname evoked.  Armed with a Comparative Lit degree, Teach quickly found work at a local coffee house near Wilmington, North Carolina – The Pirate’s Press.  Unaware that he was effectively becoming irrelevant to both British and colonial society, Blackbeard plummeted headfirst into a social abyss filled with “Arrrrghs” and eye patches.  He and his friends even went so far as to carry fake doubloons on their person, so whenever they’d encounter each other at the Pirate’s Press or a King James Jam Festival ironic hilarity would ensue.  The evening of November 21^st, 1718 was a fateful night for Teach.  Soon after leaving a DIY silk screen printing press workshop, Blackbeard – who was now lacking in depth perception due to the constant wearing of an eye patch combined with ill-walking skills due to a youth large blouse adorning his much larger frame – tripped over a fixed-gear clipper ship anchor right onto a Lieutenant Maynard’s holstered sword.  Blackbeard expired a few hours later.  A few friends tattooed his date of death and a beard onto their arms, but besides those few attempts of immortalization, Teach’s memory was lost to the world.

Galaxy Quest Galileo!

 

 

Myth:  Galileo Galilei, one of the most recognizable names attributed to the dawn of modern science.  While living during an age of both religious and scientific tumult, Galileo audaciously challenged the long-held beliefs of the Vatican, supported a Copernican heliocentric model (that is to say the sun existed at the center of our solar system) and risked death at the hands of the Roman Inquisition.  Galileo vastly improved the telescope during his lifetime – born in 1564 and dying in 1642 – and made momentous discoveries such as confirming the existence of the four largest moons of Jupiter.  Tireless analysis of sunspots and forays into the realm of physics, including the oft-debated concept of falling bodies, marked Galileo as a man of science.  Though to be a man of science during this age of papal dominance, was to be a marked man in a perilous sense.  Objections to his work came from both scientists and clergy alike, and in 1615 the Inquisition labeled him a heretic following a purported verbal attack on Pope Urban VIII.  Galileo was ordered to recant and sentenced to house arrest for the remainder of his life after being found "vehemently suspect of heresy.”  Though sentenced to house arrest, it was during this period of incarceration that Galileo wrote one of his most celebrated works – The Two New Sciences.  Galileo has earned such appellations as the “Father of Modern Science” for his contributions to astronomy, physics and philosophy, and he continues to embody the idea of a great mind and man ahead of his time.

Fact:  Galileo was a dweeb.  Notice that I do not give him the title of nerd, for that would insinuate that he did in fact contribute to the scientific community.  No, the supposed genius was more of a dweeb.  For historical purposes, let us further define dweeb: a person who ostensibly has a great mind, but unfortunately just appears to have the attributes of a genius (lack of social skills, scoliosis, eating boogers, obsession with Mr. Bean, terrible at all sports except running).  Galileo lived with his parents until the age of 34, a time during which he was infatuated with the cult Sci-Fi Commedia dell’Arte troupe Martians of Pisa!  Giuseppe Galilei, Galileo’s annoyed albeit concerned father, remarked, “He would spend days on end watching repeats [mind you, repeats during this day in age consisted of one going over a transcribed leaflet detailing previous performances] with just a can of Prego! lying on his bloated stomach.  It was difficult to watch as a father, but what really sent him out the door was the constant masturbation.  His mother just could not endure the thought of her son defiling himself and sinning 12 to 14 times a day.”  After being ousted from his house, Galileo had no job, no skills and only the ability to recite all 15 seasons of Christopher Columbus: Cyborg Slayer on which to rely.  Ultimately he found himself among the Lil’ Bambinos, a program founded by Pope Urban VIII to keep at-risk Italian youths off the streets.  He was by far the oldest individual in the club, and his fellow Bambinos incessantly teased him for his odd behavior and autistic tendencies.  He absolutely adored the movie Contact.  Galileo’s The Two New Sciences was no groundbreaking scientific text, but rather a tome consisting of the following lines scrawled over and over again: “Jodie Foster says, ‘Dad, do you think there's people on other planets?’  And her Dad says, ‘I don't know, Sparks. But I guess I'd say if it is just us... seems like an awful waste of space.’  I totally agree with that.  There’s gotta be aliens out there.  I know it.”  Without his beloved basement in which to fulfill his need for all things sci-fi, Galileo quickly plunged into deep depression.  Yet, he was smart enough to know that the Vatican, specifically Urban VIII, would not tolerate heretical remarks aimed at the church.  Thus, in an unprecedented display of boldness, Galileo submitted a text to the Vatican detailing his belief that Jesus was actually an evil twin of Jessur, the prince of Uranus.  The Church was quite ruthless during these turbulent times, but they were careful not to execute someone without formidable power or sway, so they resorted to another punishment in which to inflict upon the dweeb Galileo – house arrest in the basement of his parents’ abode.  

Oxford Man

Myth:  The University of Oxford, more commonly referred to as Oxford University, is one of the world’s most prestigious academic institutions, consistently ranking in the top 10 across several veritable publications.  Though the actual foundation date is unknown, there is record of teaching occurring in the year 1096, making this hallowed institution nearly a millennium old.  Students, both undergraduate and graduate, converge upon this sleepy cerebral town from myriad countries, displaying disparate financial backgrounds and tutorial interests.  One can study quantum mechanics to American history to medieval literature within the centuries-old halls that dot this English town’s landscape with their eerie gargoyles and imposing wooden doors.  Steeped in tradition and excellence, Oxonians still take examinations wearing traditional academic garb (it was mandatory that students where academic gowns at all times up until the 1960s) and can walk the same pristine grounds as 26 prime ministers, 12 saints, 47 Nobel Prize winners, Sir Walter Raleigh, Stephen Hawking, Oscar Wilde, Aldous Huxley, Edwin Hubble, Samuel Johnson, J.R.R Tolkien, along with other notable alumni.  An ever-demanding institution, Oxford continues to push the boundaries of research and produce some of the world’s most prominent leaders, thinkers and innovators.

Fact:  Oxford University was actually founded in the year 1000, ninety-six years before the estimated date of establishment.  Ironically, the year 1000 was the infamous Year of the Waspy Douchenozzle in Chinese culture, only to later be replaced by the Year of the Ox during the next cycle.  Medieval manuscripts point to a well-known knight, belonging to the Order of the British Face (a fearsome group of warriors with equally fearsome British faces), as founder of the university: Malcolm Turtlepenis of Wuxley, better known among his comrades as Malcolm in the Middle due to his tendency to shield himself among others during battle and his habit of telling tired-out jokes about marriage.  Turtlepenis came from a long line of wealthy noblemen, but his courage was non-existent, thus often shaming the family name and Wuxley.  Malcolm did not want to lose his right to his estates as first-born son of Hedleywinthashley Turtlepenis, so he utilized his innate cunning to save face – or at least British face.*   A scholar was not one to fight because of his lack of athleticism and Asperger-esque proclivities, and Malcolm had the monetary means to establish his own house of learning – a place he could namedrop so others knew he didn’t have to live the life of a warrior, or even work at all for that matter.  So in the year 1000 A.D., Turtlepenis left the Order and claimed a deed to land northeast of London where oxen were common and rivers were numerous.  Indulging his false sense of wit, he executed a classic British tradition and entitled the budding college Oxford, thereby setting off a polite stream of chuckles.  Tea followed.  The original charter for admission to Oxford mandated only the following:  Item I - A man entering Oxford must enjoy Monty Python and only Monty Python, and when in the presence of other Oxonians must make reference to a Monty Python bit, everything else is below an Oxford Man; Item II – When asked where one goes to college, an Oxford man will simply reply “in England” and field the inevitable further questions with equally vague answers until said student arrives at the answer of Oxford, thus feigning humility; Item III – Must be able to run awkwardly, though if one’s gait is athletically acceptable, he may yet be admitted if he reaches the trust fund threshold, wears driving shoes, and exhibits the proper shaggy hair as to say “yeah, I’m rich, who the fuck cares.”; Item IV – Wear a large pinky ring.  Those were the four items to which Oxford men had to abide.  And so began the “education as status” phenomenon that spawned the likes of Harvard, Cambridge, Yale, Booth School of Business** and Cornell.  If you accepted the last school as fact, you just failed the infamous Dewey Inquiry into College Caste Systems, better known as DICCS.

*Sadly, British Face is now a verified genetic disorder with no known cure

**Booth School of Business at University of Chicago is only recognized in the finance and corporate sectors because it’s only fucking business school.  It’s like a masters degree in Frat Studies and Psychopathic Methods (apologies to my current boss and  brother-in-law).

Prince Albert in a Can

Myth:  Prince Albert, of the house of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, was the husband and first cousin of the longest reigning queen in British History, Queen Victoria.  Initially disheartened by the status of Prince Consort, meaning Victoria held true power as the monarch of Great Britain and Ireland and Albert was merely “the husband,” Albert overcame his sense of inferiority and initiated some of the most progressive reforms in the kingdom to date.  An advocate of educational reform, Albert also conformed to his status as Prince Consort and oversaw Victoria’s estates, household and office duties.  Moreover, Albert was a strong proponent of the worldwide abolition of slavery, but his zeal for such a cause would be short-lived as he expired at the age of 42 in December of 1861 after a battle with intestinal problems.  His doting wife, the Queen, lived the rest of her life, ultimately dying in 1901, in a perpetual state of mourning and donning the traditional black of a widow until her dying day.  Much beloved by the people of Britain, Prince Albert surmounted the emasculating nature of his role as husband to the Queen in such a patriarchal age, and gained admiration through his numerous benevolent social projects.

Fact:  When one thinks of Prince Albert, the first thing to come to the layman’s mind is not the progressive Prince Consort, but rather a genital piercing – a hoop jutting out of a man’s urethra.  Though no official connection has been made between the historical figure and the piercing, this does not mean the connection is nonexistent – on the contrary, far from it.  As stated before, Prince Albert was initially uncomfortable in his womanly position as aide to his wife, or to take a term from that day in age, he was Hoed before Broed.  Consistently battling this subservience, Albert took action into his own hands: Using a horseshoe from the royal stables and an arrow from the armory, Albert penetrated his urethra with the arrow and then quickly inserted the horseshoe into the gaping hole.  The always-trustworthy royal blacksmith, Dragon Tat as he was called, bonded the two ends of the horseshoe in order to create a closed circle, or hoop.  Victoria was despondent at first, horrified by her husband’s self-mutilation, but two aspects of the new “piercing” would change her mind: 1) Sexual pleasure (something of the utmost importance since the average Victorian couple copulated about once every two years), and 2) Control over her defiant, emasculated husband.  Albert did indeed wish to please his wife and fill the role of Prince Consort, but if he were to ever Broeth-it-up more than necessary, Victoria merely had to tug on his horseshoe and Albert would become as docile as a lamb.  Although the method did eventually work, Albert was in a constant state of dismay during the first few trying years.  He would often run away sobbing and lock himself in the estate’s prison, commonly referred to as The Can at the time.  As Dragon Tat noted in his flesh diary, “Albert would be in The Can for days on end.  Others would inquire about his absence, so I would dutifully respond that he was in The Can.  ‘Well, you had better let him out,’ they would always say.  But they didn’t know Albert as I did, and it took some time to coax him out of The Can.”  Albert eventually accepted his fate by way of the horseshoe device and never returned to The Can, but he met an untimely fate at the young age of 42, ironically dying of intestinal issues in a place that would later be referred to as The Can in years to come.  

John Grishman, Meet Gandhi

Myth:  Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, better known as Mahatma – meaning “Great Soul” – Gandhi, is synonymous with non-violent protest and civil disobedience.  A key player during India’s oft-violent march toward freedom and independence from Great Britain, Gandhi advocated a spartan lifestyle, fasting occasionally as a way of cleansing his soul and expressing political disapproval.  Born into a relatively affluent family in 1869, Gandhi traveled to London in order to study law at University College London.  He attempted to assimilate to British culture, but was instead drawn back to his native Hindu culture.  Shortly after graduation, Gandhi excelled as a civil rights lawyer in South Africa, later deemed a national treasure after his instrumental role in the forwarding of black equality.  In later years, Gandhi focused on his native India, adhering to a strict pacifist ideology and utilizing truth as his greatest weapon.  He even went as far as to spin his own clothes and don the traditional dhoti as a means of expressing solidarity with his fellow, subjugated Indians.  In the wake of such events as the Dandi Salt March in 1930 and numerous imprisonments, Britain eventually bowed to Indian demand and bestowed independence upon the nation in 1947.  Though much of India was exuberant, Gandhi continued to fight for total egalitarianism since much of the Muslim population of India was still under great oppression.  On January 38^th, 1948, a Hindu nationalist gunned down Gandhi as he walked toward a podium to give an opening prayer.

Fact:  Gandhi was your typical caricature of a modern day lawyer: greedy, conniving and a classic megalomaniac.  It all started at University College London, where he founded the smug and arty Indian Apparel Club (later purchased after his death and renamed American Apparel).  The club was a way to cash in on his Indian ethnicity by creating cheap “Indian-style” clothing and charging exorbitant amounts of money for the goods.  The liberal campus ate it up.  A more conservative student simply looked like a dick for not supporting the “Aid India Fund” to which much of money was ostensibly going toward, though records indicate that Gandhi pocketed the majority.  He had found his niche: capitalize on his apparent downtrodden Indian identity as a means of garnering sympathy – and money.  Tensions between colonial India and the British Empire continued to escalate during the early 20^th century: it was the prime atmosphere for corruption.  First, Gandhi had to fully transform himself into the martyr he wished to convey, and that meant strict vegetarian restrictions and clothing that looked like a gigantic diaper.  Gandhi’s diary relates his dissatisfaction with such a lifestyle: “I look like a malnourished baby.  89 pounds today.  I hate this fucking supposed food.  What I wouldn’t do for some beef stroganoff.  But the time is nigh, so my thought must be elsewhere.”  The time was indeed ripe for Gandhi to enact his grandest of plans.  He did advocate the policies of civil disobedience, but he had ulterior motives for such a bold approach.  He had intensely studied aggravated assault, personal injury and the money that could be made from such cases.  Gandhi waited for India to gain independence and then, and only then, would he produce the evidence of over two decades of abuse by British authorities.  Part of the reason why he adhered to such strict dietary laws and modest clothing was to better the appearance of bruises and the bloodstained cloth of his numerous dhotis.  We all know vegetarians bruise like peaches.  In order to incite British guards and soldiers to attack, Gandhi utilized classic taunting – it was as simple as that.  One British soldiers remembers one such verbal onslaught in 1939:  “He said, ‘Hey, white boy.  Yeah you, white boy.  Got some fucked up teeth there, son.  Where’d you go to university?  Ohhhhh, that’s right, you didn’t you stupid piece of shit.  Ah, I’m just kidding.  But seriously, I did have sex with your mother.’  I couldn’t take it anymore, so I beat him ruthlessly.”  After Gandhi’s death, Indian officials found some 2,000 case files on British soldiers, complete with photographs of his subsequent bruises from their attacks.  Gandhi was never able to execute his plan fully, as he got greedy and continued taunting.  His assassinator was no Indian by the by, but a rather husky British soldier whom Gandhi had called an “albino somosa.”

All Men Are Created Equal...

Myth: John Brown, the fanatical abolitionist, first gained notoriety during the Bleeding Kansas crisis during the 1850s, in which proslavery and abolitionist factions vied for supremacy in the Kansas Territory.  Both sides knew what hung in the balance: Would Kansas enter the Union as a free state or slave state?  Most abolitionists advocated a pacifist approach when dealing with their proslavery counterparts, employing politics and diplomacy as their axes and swords.  John Brown on the other hand vehemently disagreed with this tactic.  He and a band of like-minded zealots skirmished with equally violent proslavery Border Ruffians, resulting in the death of many over a period of time.  Brown’s anger and frustration were eventually channeled into a plan to attack the US arsenal at Harpers Ferry, Virginia.  With the consent of such political and social figures as Frederick Douglass and Harriet Tubman, Brown concocted a scheme to lead an armed insurrection led by slaves themselves.  After a mere 36 hours, the plan backfired on October 18^th 1859.  Seven were killed at the hands of Brown and his comrades, sending a shockwave of fear throughout Dixie.  Brown was executed by hanging a few months later in the December cold.

Fact:  John Brown was a man ahead of his time – a true progressive.  Abolitionists were a dime a dozen, and though it may seem like Brown was an ardent abolitionist, he most certainly was not.  No, no.  Brown was one of America’s first gay rights activists, petitioning more than a century before the first large-scale gay rights demonstrations even transpired.  His status as abolitionist is a combination of his colorblindness and the antislavery movement exploiting Brown’s affliction to further their agenda.  Brown did not see race, but he did see shirtless men.  Victorian dress was anything but freeing.  A Connecticut man by birth, Brown interacted with only a few homosexuals during his former years.  As homosexuality was not even spoken of during this sexually restrictive period of time, certain signs were flashed within the gay community to let one know they too were of their ilk.  A man revealing his bare ankle was the most common.  Brown became increasingly stifled during his New England rearing, and he yearned to flee to that bastion of the gay community – the Deep South.  Paradoxically, the same states that locked African-American men in shackles were also the most sexually liberal areas in the world.  Brown had most likely heard of such havens as the majestic Cotton Club of Charleston, South Carolina, wherein gay men could dance amidst large, billowing bales of cotton (a precursor to the foam parties of the 20^th century).  His naivety was later shattered as he laid eyes upon hoards of shirtless men, lashed by, what appeared to be, fully clothed homophobes.  Where was this bastion he had heard so much about?  Brown’s colorless world became even drabber, as the same people who were once so accepting of homosexuality chastised his brethren.  That bastion did exist, he just, literally, couldn’t see it.  Enraged, Brown turned violent.  Men such as Frederick Douglass utilized his rage to the abolitionist’s advantage.  “I don’t care much for Brown’s alternative lifestyle choices, but during this tumultuous time, we must fight fire with fire and rid the South of its peculiar institution.  And if man-love be vanquished as well, so be it…all the better.”  Douglass, the fervent abolitionist and closet homophobe, played puppet master and pulled the strings on Brown’s hardened heart.  Thinking he was arming the largest gay army ever assembled, Brown failed and was executed by a racist South and homophobic North, soon to be torn apart.

There Will Be Blood

Myth:  Bloodletting, the medical practice of withdrawing small amounts of blood in order to ostensibly cure or relieve patients’ suffering from anything from tuberculosis to the common cold, had been practiced throughout the millennia.  Utilized by the likes of the Mesopotamians to the Medieval Europeans to 19^th century Americans, it was not until quite recently that bloodletting was believed to have an adverse effect on the majority of cases throughout the annals of history.  Prior to his death in 1799, George Washington asked to be bled heavily after contracting a severe throat infection, losing some four pounds of blood before expiring soon after.  Galen of Rome, famed physician and student of the methods of Hippocrates, popularized the technique in Ancient Greece and Rome, insisting that it provided the same benefits as menstruation among women – that is the systematic release of toxins found in “used-up blood.”  The more severe the illness, the more blood the physician would withdraw.  It seems absolutely ludicrous to our modern day sensibilities, but even as anatomical knowledge exponentially increased most cures still eluded physicians and so bloodletting was, simply put, better than doing nothing.

Fact:  Contrary to modern medicine and the so-called fact that bloodletting did more harm than good, bloodletting actually saved the majority of patients on whom it was practiced.  Firstly, Galen was no pioneering physician more than a man who desperately wished to menstruate.  “I am a woman trapped in the shell of a man,” Galen wrote to his subsequently outraged father in 166 A.D.  “Mother does nothing but weep, and I have been disowned by mine own father – it is now in my hands to come into happiness.”  Galen would often wear women’s undergarments and make a small incision near the hip so as to create the illusion of menstruation.  One of Galen’s friends, who was totally cool with his life choice, was still saddened by Galen’s inability to be a woman:  “Two things: Galen doesn’t comprehend the fact that he can’t menstruate every single day – that and the fact he is Greek, so the hair thing doesn’t help.  But, having seen his happiness, many physicians began to believe that bloodletting might have positive psychological, as well as physiological, effects on their patients.  Secondly, bloodletting is well documented as having near miraculous outcomes on patients.  Most notably, a private fighting for the Union during the American Civil War at Antietam lost all his limbs --- and his head.  Believing him to be dead, his comrades dropped him off at the surgeon’s tent to later be buried, but an optimistic doctor asked for the private to be put on the operating table.  After a few arguments with his assistants about the loss of the soldier’s head, the exasperated assistants yielded and put the body on the table.  The doctor announced he would be letting some more blood from his severed head.  One of his assistant’s later remarked, “What happened next was beyond my comprehension.  Of course I’m well aware that the more severe the wound, the more blood should be let – like obviously.  But I had no idea that after a few minutes of heavy letting the soldier would bound away with great enthusiasm, grab his rifle and kill some fifty-odd Rebs that day.”  Lastly, I take the example of George Washington’s bloodletting prior to his death as a completely muddied case of history.  Just as the aforementioned soldier became reinvigorated after heavy bloodletting, as did Washington become reinvigorated after losing some four pounds of blood.  Washington even went so far as to sardonically use his blood as a mixture for some fine sausages.  Rather it was John Hancock and his damn belief that a baby aspirin a day can reduce the risk of heart attack.  Hancock, recently hired as a pharmaceutical rep due to his grandiose handwriting and cocky disposition, coaxed Washington into the daily regimen.  Washington had an allergic reaction the next day and perished.  Thus, in instances such as Washington’s, bloodletting was tagged as the reason for his death.

Live at Little Bighorn!

Myth:  The Battle of Little Big Horn, famously referred to as Custer’s Last Stand, was one of the great conflicts that characterized an era rife with Indian Wars – America’s forceful drive into the last frontier and the realization of Manifest Destiny.  Though with regard to The Battle of Little Big Horn, it underscored the native Indian’s hope to valiantly hold on to their way of life and their willingness to fight to the death.  The battle was one of the great last breaths of staving off the encroaching white frontier, as Cheyenne and Lakota chiefs such as Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull overwhelmed Custer’s U.S. force of about 700 men.  Due to faulty intelligence and Custer’s vainglorious temperament, the US Army unknowingly bit off more than it could chew, as about 1,000 plus Cheyenne, Lakota and Arapaho Indians engaged Custer’s cavalry on June 25 and 26 in Montana territory in the year 1876.  About half of Custer’s troops were slain, while only a fraction of that fell to their death among the Indian contingent.  It was a severe blow to the US Army in their war to bridge east and west America, and more importantly, subdue their native foes.  Though it would not be long after such a great loss that all Indians would be subjugated to the whims of the American government, Custer’s doomed battle still lives in the imagination of many – an exotic world where men were driven by pure bloodlust, glory, and on the Indian’s behalf, the avoidance of extinction and loss of culture.

Fact:  There is much conjecture surrounding the death of George Armstrong Custer, since myriad varying accounts exist as to the timing and circumstances of his death.  To an amateur historian, these frivolities may seem important, but not to me.  Much speculation surrounds Custer’s death because he did, in fact, “die” on at least seven occasions.  Moreover, all participants in The Battle of Little Big Horn, both Indian and American, died on more than one occasion.  Going even further, this anomaly defined the Indian wars all the way back to the 1830s and continued into the early 20^th century before the Wild West became nothing more than legend.  This phenomenon is better known as the “John Wayne Death,” or “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Flying Mattress Death.”  Both the Indian and American participants were keenly aware that the majority of these battles would never be seen by their contemporaries, so only the most flamboyant deaths would suffice in battle.  Battles, in their general sense, didn’t actually even take place.  It was more of a back and forth between Indians and US troops as to whom could perform the most ridiculous death, and then relay that information to a fascinated public.  These were America’s proto-screen actors and proto-stunt doubles.  And Custer was the ham of the group.  One Lieutenant Leroy “Unforgiven” Rogers, detailed the process in his man diary: “We would meet on a pitched field of battle, shake hands, teamsters would bring out brunch, and then we’d get to work.  Privates and lower-status warriors generally went first and were only given one chance to perform their glorious death.  Most were hacks that would use the clichéd ‘shot in the gut, walk fifty paces and then fall on your back technique.’  How exhausting.  Officers on the other hand, had seen a few Indie or Art House battles, so they were a bit more creative.  Given a chest protector, they often had a few chances to set up their technique before being killed.  I myself am going with an arrow to the chest (which will be ripped out), several arrows to the buttocks – I’m a glutton for slapstick – and then a backflip off of a buffalo into a nearby creek.”  Custer outdid himself at Little Bighorn.  Depending on the acting chops of Crazy Horse, George took a few practice runs, before executing the perfect Western battle death.  Three bullets were fired in his direction, but right before hitting him, he utilized a hidden diving board to perform a double corkscrew flip onto the back of his horse, rode directly toward Crazy Horse and few extras with guns a-blazing.  Crazy Horse, as instructed, then jumped onto Custer’s horse, whereby each shot at each other from opposite sides of the horse.  Crazy Horse would “realize” that a huge canyon was approaching, dismount and perform a classic theater tumble.  Custer looked ahead at the canyon and sighed in resignation, but before plummeting to his death, he glanced back at Crazy Horse, giving him a wink and quick salute.  Snuff “film” was born, which would give way to the more acceptable Western film.

Achilles Heel

Myth:  Handed down over the centuries, mostly through oral tradition, though immortalized in such epics as The Iliad and The Odyssey, the Trojan War remains one of the greatest military stories of the millennia.  The reality of the event has been in contention for centuries, but in recent years archaeologists and historians have unearthed evidence of the remains of a stronghold in modern-day Turkey – believed to be the location of ancient Troy (or Ilium).  Some historians do believe a battle between the ancient Achaeans (Greeks) and Trojans did indeed occur, but to a much less fantastical degree than the likes of Homer suggest.  Authenticity aside, accounts of the ten-year campaign that was the Trojan War shed light on the absolute importance of glory, saving face, triumph and loyalty during the 12^th and 11^th centuries BC that trickled down to the height of Greek civilization some centuries later.  A story of mortal versus mortal, god versus god and the utter grasp of fate, the Trojan War lore continues to hold the imagination of our post-modern, skeptical society in which we live today.

Fact:  The Trojan War as an unparalleled work of verse by a school of poets, most notably attributed to Homer, is indeed a captivating, violent and lascivious legend.  But one must read between the lines in order to gain the ulterior motives by the author: pre-evangelicalism.  That’s right, Homer and his cronies, were nothing more than the prototypes of the likes of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson.  The present-day epic that is The Twilight Saga is on par with accounts of the Trojan War and The Iliad – neither tween nor serious scholar would disagree with that – and it shares a few commonalities: fantastic authorship and an underlying theme of abstinence.  The Iliad constantly, even incessantly, depicts the battling warriors as sweaty, muscled, barely-clothed, attractive specimens of God – or the gods in The Iliad’s case.  Contemporary accounts inform us that acceptable clothing was indeed available, but these men were lusty and thirsting for blood – or penis, depending on how you interpret the tome.  Swords were plentiful, but if one reads the account once more, he will pick up a much larger theme: the spear was the weapon of choice.  You have Achilles, Hector, the two Ajaxes (incestuous lovers), Agamemnon, Paris, etc., “spearing” all over the place.  The prior nine years (or nine months if historical accuracy is taken into account) that The Iliad fails to mention in length is due to the fact that everyone was pregnant.*  And amid all this debauchery, the gods were always watching and judging.  So much sex and wrongdoing was bound to incur the wrath of the gods, especially Zeus, the fundamental Pentecostal among the gods.  The moral of the story: everyone dies because of his sexual transgressions.  Homer wrote The Iliad as a means to both enthrall and indoctrinate the impressionable young Greek youth.  Fight fully-clothed and without spear and you will earn the gratitude of the gods, but stray like “comely” Achilles, take your shirt off, grease up and spiral into a spearing frenzy and you shall incur the wrath of the gods.  Read The Twilight Saga and The Iliad back-to-back and you will be in awe of the similarities and common message of abstinence and restraint in the face of shirtless men.

*  Prior to the 5^th century BC, all men were capable of becoming pregnant.  Historians refer to this as the “Junior Period” – a nod to the blockbuster hit Junior, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.