Oxford Man

Myth:  The University of Oxford, more commonly referred to as Oxford University, is one of the world’s most prestigious academic institutions, consistently ranking in the top 10 across several veritable publications.  Though the actual foundation date is unknown, there is record of teaching occurring in the year 1096, making this hallowed institution nearly a millennium old.  Students, both undergraduate and graduate, converge upon this sleepy cerebral town from myriad countries, displaying disparate financial backgrounds and tutorial interests.  One can study quantum mechanics to American history to medieval literature within the centuries-old halls that dot this English town’s landscape with their eerie gargoyles and imposing wooden doors.  Steeped in tradition and excellence, Oxonians still take examinations wearing traditional academic garb (it was mandatory that students where academic gowns at all times up until the 1960s) and can walk the same pristine grounds as 26 prime ministers, 12 saints, 47 Nobel Prize winners, Sir Walter Raleigh, Stephen Hawking, Oscar Wilde, Aldous Huxley, Edwin Hubble, Samuel Johnson, J.R.R Tolkien, along with other notable alumni.  An ever-demanding institution, Oxford continues to push the boundaries of research and produce some of the world’s most prominent leaders, thinkers and innovators.

Fact:  Oxford University was actually founded in the year 1000, ninety-six years before the estimated date of establishment.  Ironically, the year 1000 was the infamous Year of the Waspy Douchenozzle in Chinese culture, only to later be replaced by the Year of the Ox during the next cycle.  Medieval manuscripts point to a well-known knight, belonging to the Order of the British Face (a fearsome group of warriors with equally fearsome British faces), as founder of the university: Malcolm Turtlepenis of Wuxley, better known among his comrades as Malcolm in the Middle due to his tendency to shield himself among others during battle and his habit of telling tired-out jokes about marriage.  Turtlepenis came from a long line of wealthy noblemen, but his courage was non-existent, thus often shaming the family name and Wuxley.  Malcolm did not want to lose his right to his estates as first-born son of Hedleywinthashley Turtlepenis, so he utilized his innate cunning to save face – or at least British face.*   A scholar was not one to fight because of his lack of athleticism and Asperger-esque proclivities, and Malcolm had the monetary means to establish his own house of learning – a place he could namedrop so others knew he didn’t have to live the life of a warrior, or even work at all for that matter.  So in the year 1000 A.D., Turtlepenis left the Order and claimed a deed to land northeast of London where oxen were common and rivers were numerous.  Indulging his false sense of wit, he executed a classic British tradition and entitled the budding college Oxford, thereby setting off a polite stream of chuckles.  Tea followed.  The original charter for admission to Oxford mandated only the following:  Item I - A man entering Oxford must enjoy Monty Python and only Monty Python, and when in the presence of other Oxonians must make reference to a Monty Python bit, everything else is below an Oxford Man; Item II – When asked where one goes to college, an Oxford man will simply reply “in England” and field the inevitable further questions with equally vague answers until said student arrives at the answer of Oxford, thus feigning humility; Item III – Must be able to run awkwardly, though if one’s gait is athletically acceptable, he may yet be admitted if he reaches the trust fund threshold, wears driving shoes, and exhibits the proper shaggy hair as to say “yeah, I’m rich, who the fuck cares.”; Item IV – Wear a large pinky ring.  Those were the four items to which Oxford men had to abide.  And so began the “education as status” phenomenon that spawned the likes of Harvard, Cambridge, Yale, Booth School of Business** and Cornell.  If you accepted the last school as fact, you just failed the infamous Dewey Inquiry into College Caste Systems, better known as DICCS.

*Sadly, British Face is now a verified genetic disorder with no known cure

**Booth School of Business at University of Chicago is only recognized in the finance and corporate sectors because it’s only fucking business school.  It’s like a masters degree in Frat Studies and Psychopathic Methods (apologies to my current boss and  brother-in-law).