Special, special episode today: Abraham Lincoln! The Rail
Splitter, The Great Emancipator, Attempted Murderer of Isaac…whatever you want
to call him, he’s here! Oh, and as irony would have it, he’s driving a Lincoln
Navigator into our lot. And weaving…a lot. Ok, Abraham Lincoln is a terrible
driver. We all have faults. Stepping out! And…put on some pounds. That’s fine,
he deserves it. And about a foot shorter. Gained weight and lost height, but
it’s Abraham fucking Lincoln! It’s… No. No. No! Not again. It’s fucking Grant.
Lock the door! And he’s coming through the window.
US: Hey, hey, hey! Pussface. You remember me.
HB: Yes, Ulysses, we had you banned last time you were here
for psychologically abusing our intern and lighting a lawn flamingo on fire.
US: If it’s pink I’ll set in on fire!
HB: That makes so much sense.
US: Psst.
HB: What?
US: JAGERBOMBS!
HB: No.
US: I ain’t got all day. McConaughey’s in the Nav booting
and rallying, and you! Need a Red Bull!
HB: Nope.
US: Oh it’s sugar free, sweet titties.
HB: And this is why we banned you. What’d you do with
Lincoln?
US: Oh he couldn’t handle his liquor and started a parable
about a goat and a panther…I don’t know, I wasn’t listening. He makes no sense!
Right? Am I the only one? His stories take FOREVER.
HB: General, where is he?
US: Oh pssshanty. We put him an Uber. He’ll be fine.
HB: Good. That’s surprisingly responsible of you.
US: Shhh, psstt?
HB: What?
US: He’s in an Uber to Atlanta! Ahaha, he’s gonna be so
fucking mad. They hate him down there! So much! The old Atlanta Shuffle scheme!
US: Why didn’t Daniel Day-Lewis play me? Mmmm? Where’s my
movie!
HB: And you’re crying… Ulysses, it’s time to go. Please.
US: Who plays me? Paul Giamatti. You think he looks like me,
don’t you?
HB: I don’t. Time to go. Sleep it off. Please.
US: Let me just get my keys…ooop, flaming flamingo!
HB: How the hell did you hide that from me!? Get out!
US: Sleight of hand, pussface! Gahhh, my sleeve’s on fire! I
was president!
