Myth: Galileo Galilei, one of the most
recognizable names attributed to the dawn of modern science. While living during an age of both
religious and scientific tumult, Galileo audaciously challenged the long-held
beliefs of the Vatican, supported a Copernican heliocentric model (that is to
say the sun existed at the center of our solar system) and risked death at the
hands of the Roman Inquisition.
Galileo vastly improved the telescope during his lifetime – born in 1564
and dying in 1642 – and made momentous discoveries such as confirming the
existence of the four largest moons of Jupiter. Tireless analysis of sunspots and forays into the realm of
physics, including the oft-debated concept of falling bodies, marked Galileo as
a man of science. Though to be a
man of science during this age of papal dominance, was to be a marked man in a
perilous sense. Objections to his
work came from both scientists and clergy alike, and in 1615 the Inquisition
labeled him a heretic following a purported verbal attack on Pope Urban
VIII. Galileo was ordered to
recant and sentenced to house arrest for the remainder of his life after being
found "vehemently suspect of heresy.” Though sentenced to house arrest, it was during this period
of incarceration that Galileo wrote one of his most celebrated works – The
Two New Sciences.
Galileo has earned such appellations as the “Father of Modern Science”
for his contributions to astronomy, physics and philosophy, and he continues to
embody the idea of a great mind and man ahead of his time.
Fact: Galileo was a dweeb. Notice that I do not give him the title
of nerd, for that would insinuate that he did in fact contribute
to the scientific community. No,
the supposed genius was more of a dweeb.
For historical purposes, let us further define dweeb: a person who
ostensibly has a great mind, but unfortunately just appears to have the
attributes of a genius (lack of social skills, scoliosis, eating boogers,
obsession with Mr. Bean, terrible at all sports except running). Galileo lived with his parents until
the age of 34, a time during which he was infatuated with the cult Sci-Fi
Commedia dell’Arte troupe Martians of Pisa! Giuseppe Galilei, Galileo’s annoyed
albeit concerned father, remarked, “He would spend days on end watching repeats
[mind you, repeats during this day in age consisted of one going over a
transcribed leaflet detailing previous performances] with just a can of Prego!
lying on his bloated stomach. It was difficult to watch as a father,
but what really sent him out the door was the constant masturbation. His mother just could not endure the
thought of her son defiling himself and sinning 12 to 14 times a day.” After being ousted from his house,
Galileo had no job, no skills and only the ability to recite all 15 seasons of Christopher
Columbus: Cyborg Slayer on which to
rely. Ultimately he found himself
among the Lil’ Bambinos, a program founded by Pope Urban VIII to keep at-risk
Italian youths off the streets. He
was by far the oldest individual in the club, and his fellow Bambinos
incessantly teased him for his odd behavior and autistic tendencies. He absolutely adored the movie Contact.
Galileo’s The Two New Sciences was no groundbreaking scientific text, but rather a tome consisting of
the following lines scrawled over and over again: “Jodie Foster says, ‘Dad, do
you think there's people on other planets?’ And her Dad says, ‘I don't know, Sparks. But I guess I'd say
if it is just us... seems like an awful waste of space.’ I totally agree with that. There’s gotta be aliens out there. I know it.” Without his beloved basement in which to fulfill his need
for all things sci-fi, Galileo quickly plunged into deep depression. Yet, he was smart enough to know that
the Vatican, specifically Urban VIII, would not tolerate heretical remarks
aimed at the church. Thus, in an
unprecedented display of boldness, Galileo submitted a text to the Vatican
detailing his belief that Jesus was actually an evil twin of Jessur, the prince
of Uranus. The Church was quite
ruthless during these turbulent times, but they were careful not to execute
someone without formidable power or sway, so they resorted to another
punishment in which to inflict upon the dweeb Galileo – house arrest in the
basement of his parents’ abode.
