Myth: Benjamin Franklin, renowned Renaissance
man and Founding Father of the United States of America, was known as something
of a promiscuous statesman. Though
Franklin did indeed produce an illegitimate son, William, this stigma of
unbounded sexuality is unwarranted.
Franklin, establishing a common-law marriage with Ms. Deborah Read in
1730, was true to the woman whose hand in marriage was summarily rejected by
her widowed mother prior to their common-law marriage. Furthermore, Franklin was forthright
about his illegitimate son from the onset, bringing the child into his and
Deborah’s home subsequently after the public acknowledgment. Serving abroad as US minister to both
France and Sweden, Franklin was a popular character among both men and women –
he often kept up correspondence with various women, and though tinged with
flirtation, it was generally intellectual in nature. Franklin’s will explicitly stated that his grave simply read
Benjamin and Deborah Franklin, a testament to his love for his wife and ardent
belief in a virtuous life.
Fact: Virtuous? Franklin was the farthest thing from it. Benjamin was a sex-craved deviant, only
empowered further by his dashing good looks. Before one jumps to any judgment regarding Franklin’s status
as “Ye Olde Loin Liberator,” you must remember that standards for general
attractiveness were much different in the 18th century. Hair and rippling delts were inferior
to one’s longevity in a time defined by a shockingly low life expectancy. Good health in old age was the era’s
aphrodisiac. Franklin’s debauchery
started at an early age in Boston, penning less notable – and less staid –
titles as Poor Richard’s Almanac of Boston Taverns and the Pussy Therein. Paling in comparison to Franklin’s much
more praiseworthy almanac, the first was nevertheless exhaustive in its
research of some 350 taverns in colonial Boston and the relative ease of
getting laid at said taverns. As
Franklin continued to climb the political ranks, other noteworthy statesmen of
the day were in awe of Franklin’s sexual prowess; some were even outright
jealous of the old man’s success in the bedroom. Thomas Jefferson, totes hot by today’s standards, did not
hold a candle to Franklin’s supremacy as a Casanova. “He layeth down the French, the British, and even the pearls
of the Orient, and I still sit idle, biding my time with the greatest vaginal
deterrent to have ever lived, John Adams.
Goddamn John Adams. Well, I
still have Sally Hemmings, but that’s like paying for a prostitute – I feel no
more nobler.” Franklin’s notoriety
as a playboy extended beyond the realm of the United States, as he was a
welcome guest at all of Europe’s greatest galas. Old Benjamin is said to have set the modern precedent of
Halloween as the de facto “excuse to be slutty” day. Paris in 1784 saw the first Bros and Scary Ho’s party, where women of the French elite showed a bit more ankle and
wrist, donning prepackaged costumes such as Sexy Marie Antoinette or Sexy
Homemaker. Though a hedonist at
heart, Franklin used his innate promiscuity for good. He is attributed with single-handedly distracting British
troops by disseminating a pamphlet detailing hot encounters with lonely British
wives – a sure distraction for a British people known to engage in sexual activity
at a mandatory distance of 40 yards.
Death and taxes were not the only two inevitabilities of Franklin’s
life, but rather they were death, taxes and the entrancement of women by
well-coifed side hair.
