After a short hiatus, Civil War Bros is back. Today's guest is Benjamin "Beast" Butler, the notorious Major General of the Union Army known for his brutal martial law regime in New Orleans. We'll get to the softer side of this "beast" and discuss the lighter things in life: Dennis Franz, Mardi Gras and Treme. Let's unleash the beast.
CWB: Beast, my man, how you been?
BB: Can't complain too much, but I now have type II diabetes because of Red Bull's incessant "Unleash the Beast" campaign during the occupation of New Orleans. Jager Bombs, O-Bombs, ad nauseum. They're the ones who made me look like an asshole - Red Bull - pushing that shit on the citizenry and using me as spokesman - never saw a cent! I have a strong feeling the city is in for worse in the future.
CWB: I wouldn't know. Anyway, you and Paula Dean now have something in common. That's fun.
BB: We were both pro-slavery before the war, so two things.
CWB: Disturbing. I'm going to call you Dennis Franz throughout the rest of the show. It's uncanny.
BB: I know, I get it a lot. Wish I could be a Daniel Craig or a Clooney.
CWB: Well, blame that on your father, Franz.
BB: New Orleans was the one place where looks did not matter. Gallons of Red Bull and rum washed away the Franz in all of us. Even under my ridiculously oppressive system - and I think it had a lot to do with my lack of self-esteem, but that's for my therapist - the women folk would still show me their tits. Where else does that happen?
CWB: I have abandonment issues, so, I hear you. Also, I feel like Russia would be like that.
CWB: Do you miss New Orleans?
BB: Somewhat. I miss the food, the boobs and the culture. I do not miss the crime, the smell and the Texans who came in droves to visit.
CWB: Ugh, I think we can all agree on that. I think the rest of the Confederacy hated Texas.
BB: Except for Austin. Super liberal.
CWB: Everyone says that, and to be honest, I just don't care. I'm not packing up and driving through the rest of the state to get to a possibly "fun" place. Plus, let's say I do arrive and the hipsterism drives me fucking nuts - I'll end up in Dallas to counteract the effect.
CWB: Let's get the hell off of Texas. What are your thoughts on Treme?
BB: I just started watching it via my parents' HBO GO account - yeah, I'm totally an adult. I feel like I want to like it, but it's so damn boring. But, if someone asks, I'll say I like it - just because it seems like we're all in on the same conspiracy: we all like Treme because we're supposed to like it. It's like Sorkin's Sports Night.
CWB: You grew up in New Hampshire, what's that all about?
BB: It's syrup and Bode Miller.
CWB: Ah, that guy's a dick.
BB: Best motto in the Union though.
CWB: Agreed. I want to move there just so I can get my "Live Free or Die" license plate.
CWB: Popeye's or Church's Chicken?
BB: Bojangles'.
CWB: Oohh, someone did spend a lot of time in the South.
BB: I have to check my blood sugar.
CWB: Do you want a Red Bull?
BB: Shut up.
CWB: I kid. Has there ever been a test to be completely "prick-free?"
BB: No, and if a product claims so, they're lying.
CWB: Alright, NYPD Blue, since you killed the mood with your five syringes on the table, we'll end it on one last question. Uncle Ben or Cream of Wheat guy?
BB: Uncle Ben. He's family, and rice is much harder to cook than wheat cream.
CWB. Franz, thank you, and the rest of your insulin is in the fridge right next to my Quizno's. Get it out.
