Slut for Socialism

 

Myth:  The Russian Revolution, the comprehensive term for a period of great tumult and change in Russia, namely in 1917, eventually led to a Soviet Russia and the toppling of the centuries-old rule of the Tsars.  The massive slaughter of Russians during World War I, an unruly peasant class, a yearning for democratic involvement in government and a cataclysmic industrial boom all foreshadowed a great revolution for the Russian people.  Led by the charismatic Vladimir Lenin, the Bolsheviks (or socialist/communist party), eventually held sway after a bloody civil war between the conservative Nicholas II and the Tsarists, and later the Provisional Government, ended in 1922.  A communist Russia was born – the Soviet Union – which would last for nearly 80 years.

Fact:  The idea of an oppressed Russian populace eager for change under the thumb of the Nicholas II is an utter fallacy.  The populace was, to put it shortly, fairly wealthy.  Suburbs were sprouting up all around metropolises like Moscow and St. Petersburg.  Whole Foods were emerging with the help of local farming from the “peasant class” – a class that was, in fact, peasant by name only.  They were reaping large profits from their Whole Foods sales – mostly from Certified Organic Borscht, or COB – while simultaneously maintaining their peasant Russian identity.  As late as 1910, Lenin was living in a 4 bedroom, 3 ½ bath McMansion in the outskirts of St. Petersburg, a little subdivision called White Willow Cossack Village.  His children even attended a private Montessori school.  Lenin, however, felt what most of Russia was feeling during this time of great prosperity under the Tsars:  A loss of one’s Russianness.  What did it mean to be Russian?  Well, for Lenin, it meant living in dark, squalid conditions, drinking as much vodka as humanly possible, wearing at least two gold chains at all times, and most of all, being as creepy and guttural to outsiders as possible.  So, in this sense, the spark of the Russian Revolution was not economic or political, but rather a deep-seated desire to fulfill past stereotypes.  Lenin made his first large step toward social change when he looked in the mirror and saw a pathetic Russian complete with perm, sideburns and puka shell necklace.  He defiantly shaved his head, obliterated his sideburns and sculpted a devilish mustache/goatee combo – the image of Lenin we all know.  At an early Bolshevik meeting, Leon Trotsky remembered Lenin well because of his tenacious support of The Cause.  “I had come to the meeting with my favorite drink in hand, a sparkling orange Pellegrino, knowing that it would be a lengthy affair.  Only steps in the room and Lenin swats my Pellegrino to the ground and starts barking, ‘If you want to be carefree, whistling Italian, so be it, but you will never be welcome here.’  From that moment on, I knew we had a chance, and more importantly, I started griping about Russia’s brown water and took to the vodka bottle.  I was now a true brooding Russian.”  Lenin attracted the majority of Russia with this call to stereotyping.  No more Whole Foods.  There would now only be one brand of soda – and it would most definitely suck.  Only one brand of car, one brand of pickles, one brand of shampoo, and yes, they would all suck.  Lenin had utilized Marx and socialism as a way to change the social and cultural tastes of Russia, not the government and economy.  The economy and government would just follow suit.  And that suit would be Gloomy Grey, the style and color of suit Lenin started buying at Backwards RMart (The Soviet equivalent of TJ Maxx).

Marco! Polo!

Myth:  Marco Polo, a merchant from the Venetian Republic, is best known as one of the first Europeans to travel and document his extensive journeys into Central Asia and parts of China during the 13^th and 14^th centuries.  A friend of the court of Khan – leaders of the Mongol Empire – Polo was able to convey the rich cultural, and more importantly, mercantile, richness these mysterious Eastern lands had to offer.  After a 24-year journey through the Orient, Polo returned to Venice to find the city besieged and at war with Genoa, whereupon he was quickly imprisoned.  He dictated his tales of wonder and wealth to his cellmate until his release in 1299, after which he became a wealthy merchant, husband and father of three until his death in 1324.  Polo’s pioneering and exploring spirit directly influenced the likes of Christopher Columbus, imbuing him with a sense that anything is possible with a spark of curiosity.

Fact:  The swimming pool game “Marco Polo,” a game played by numerous youths during the long and humid days of summer, is rooted in historical fact.  As most medievalists know, the next worst thing to being a rapist, was having the affliction of blindness – a disease believed to be associated with the devil, for one can only see darkness.  Marco Polo was, in fact, blind.  After a traditional Venetian meal of spaghetti and all-you-can-eat breadsticks, Polo is said to have to traveled for miles, groping for a napkin, finally snagging the holy vestments of the Venetian Bishop and wiping marinara on the Bishop’s miter.  In the eyes of the Venetians, this was an act of the devil, and poor Polo was to be exiled.  A passage from Polo’s personal memoirs underlines his detachment with the Venetians and his want to travel away from that despicable place:  “I am ashamed, scared and fearful of God.  But I shall persevere.  Since waterways lead to places of commerce and industry, I will only travel through the medium of water.  And more interestingly, I believe I have heard voices from the Almighty.  For when I speak my Christian name, my father’s name comes echoing back, leading me to wherever it is God wants me to be.  I am his instrument.  Marco!  Polo!”  This seems odd that Polo construed this as a blessing since on several occasions the ensuing “Polo” led him to various, unwanted places:  1) He fell into the Grand Canal at least 25 times, 2) He impaled himself about 10 times at the local blacksmith’s, and 3) He walked into mass on several occasions, undressing the priest thinking the garments were his own.  Undeterred, Marco Polo set out on his 24-year quest.  Ironically, Polo never ventured into Asia, or even out of Venice for that matter.  He, sadly, walked in circles – for 24 years mind you – in the fountain located behind his home.  It seems that several young Venetian ruffians were echoing Polo every time Marco would call out his name, thereby mimicking the voice of God.  They did this for 24 years – quite a commitment to a sick joke.  A neighbor of Polo’s finally recognized what was transpiring and pulled Marco out of the water, only to find that his toes had been “pruned” beyond recognition.  In his mind, Polo had traveled the world.  In reality, Polo had traveled the distance of a kiddie pool about 45,000 times.  The effect of long-term contact with chlorine from his backyard fountain were hallucinations about a far off Eastern Empire, decadent beyond his wildest dreams.  Polo had stayed in the pool for far too long.

Tip of the Hat to Slavery

Myth:  Abraham Lincoln.  The mere mention of the 16^th President of the United States conjures up deep-seated feelings of honesty, character, passion and righteousness.  America, not to mention other foreign countries, laud the politician as if he were a messianic figure – a soldier in God’s own army.  Trained as a lawyer and coming from small-town Illinois, Lincoln was elected president amid controversy and a country torn apart.  Mere months into his presidency, the American Civil War broke out and ravaged a nation for a gut-wrenching four years.  But, it was Lincoln, forever stalwart, who was the Great Emancipator, freeing the slaves of the Confederacy on New Year’s Day of 1863.  His legacy is brushed with strokes of martyrdom, following his assassination in 1865, as a man who gave his life to keep the great American Experiment intact.  But it was his role as liberator, abolisher of the system that kept millions of Africans in fetters, that most think of him today.

Fact:  Though history books will tell you that Lincoln never owned a slave in his life, it is, simply put, an egregious fallacy.  American historians do point out that Lincoln, like many of his Northern counterparts, had misgivings about the African race – but this is only the tip of the iceberg.  Lincoln was (and hold your breath here) a hypocrite, sanctimonious liar, and above all, a slaveholder.  Certainly, he did not own large tracts of land like his Southern plantation-owning “foes,” nor did he need to.  He owned one slave for the purposes of his own vanity.  Standing at six foot four, Lincoln fancied himself a Greek statue, a statue that needed constant tending and care.  But why so fervently attack a confederacy that held the same beliefs in slavery as Lincoln himself?  One need look no further than the Evangelicals of today, such as Ted Haggard, who openly criticize a gay lifestyle, while they themselves are gay and secretly carry on gay relationships.  They are repressed homosexuals.  And though history rarely mentions it, a similar trend occurred for decades leading up to the Civil War:  the lives of repressed and closeted slave owners.  Lincoln was a closet slave lover.  And it was Lincoln’s most celebrated and iconic trademarks that held the secret to his twisted behavior, his stovepipe hat.  This grossly oversized hat caged his one and only slave, Top Hat Tony.  Lincoln bought Top Hat Tony in Charleston in 1850 for one reason:  Top Hat Tony was a midget slave and could be fashionably concealed underneath Lincoln’s iconic headwear.  When not wearing his stovepipe, Top Hat Tony dutifully trimmed Lincoln’s beard, cut his toenails and even man-scaped his pubic region – a most demeaning job.  But while concealing Top Hat Tony, work on Lincoln’s low self-esteem did not end, as Tony continued to pick dandruff off Lincoln’s head.  During the Gettysburg Address, it is said that Tony had to deal with an outbreak of lice on Lincoln’s scalp, toiling away in near 110-degree heat in the Pennsylvania summer.  Abraham Lincoln is a prime example of a man so uncomfortable with his lifestyle that he destroys those who share his “destructive” passions.  Many examples abound, but Lincoln may take the cake.  Ironically, John Wilkes Booth freed Top Hat Tony after the bullet that killed Lincoln also broke the chain holding Lincoln’s cap tightly on. So embarrassed of his former lifestyle, Top Hat Tony never spoke a word of it, but did live a fruitful life working for Barnum & Bailey’s Circus until his death in 1895.

The Spanish Armada, Swim Caps and Carbo-Loading

Myth:  The Spanish Armada of 1588 – one of the most celebrated battles of the Elizabethan Age – was a trying experience for the English, who feared an invasion by their Catholic counterparts under the rule of Philip II.  A terror-inducing Spanish fleet of some 151 warships was to overthrow the Protestant Queen Elizabeth, and ultimately, alter the trajectory of English history.  After defeating the Spanish at Gravelines, the English were not quite safe as the Spanish Armada was undeterred and planned a massive attack by sailing past Ireland and attacking from the north.  England was not to be taken, as a mighty storm killed about 20,000 Spanish sailors and wrecked a third of the entire fleet.  England may have fallen had it not be for the mysterious “Protestant Wind,” as the saving storm was later called.

Fact:  Historians, especially military historians, tend to pay too much attention to the size and strength of fleets or armies when interpreting reasons for success or failure.  There is one glaring omission with this approach:  attention to the actual fitness level of said fleet or army.  The Spanish may have had a massive armada, but many of the sailors had grown fat and lazy from copious amounts of paella.  Sangria was another killer.  Where does all that sugar go?  That’s right, the thighs.  The English on the other hand were in magnificent shape due to two obvious reasons.  First, the English’s notoriously bad food allowed for a low-caloric, ab-shredding diet.  An English sailor could only eat so many blood sausages and pickled goat ears, and the result was triceps that could crack a walnut.  Secondly, and more importantly, the English were obsessed with triathlons.  About a decade before, the triathlon craze took hold after Francis Drake – leader of the English defenses against the Spanish Armada –successfully swam the English Channel.  The trend has only swelled as time has elapsed.  Take a look at the results of any triathlon in your area and you will inevitably see about three or four British in the top ten.  A few years before 1588, one would see English sailors running, swimming or cycling in “why am I cocky simply because I’m a triathlete” packs.  A precursor to the infamously douchy waistband that holds six water bottles was the leather belt that held six goatskin canteens.  The Spanish fleet seemed to dwarf their English foes because that was exactly the case – the English were finishing their 12-kilometer run before entering the waters near the Spanish, with swim caps in hand.  And that mighty storm, that legendary “Protestant Wind,” was in actuality a massive maelstrom created by 8,000 English sailors/triathletes swimming around their mortal enemy.  The Armada was crushed, but the feelings of the 8,000 sailors were crushed even further when they emerged from the water to see no family or friends to greet the victorious athletes.  There were many empty promises that day because not even their own mothers wanted to watch them compete in a triathlon – they would have rather seen a naval battle that truly dazzles the senses.

"Cockblock" Jackson

Myth:  Thomas Jonathan Jackson, notably known as “Stonewall” Jackson, was and still is regarded by many as the second most glorified commander of the Lost Cause of the American Civil War – just behind the illustrious Robert E. Lee.  The Confederate General Jackson received the nickname “Stonewall” after the First Battle of Bull Run, where is military prowess allowed his troops to firmly stand their ground like a stonewall.  Beloved by his troops, and most of the Confederacy for that matter, Jackson was accidentally shot in May of 1863 at the Battle of Chancellorsville by Confederate soldiers.  He died some eight days later due to complications after amputation.  Some historians even argue that the loss of Jackson was one of the main factors for the downfall of the Confederacy following the turning points of Gettysburg and Vicksburg.

Fact:  I return to my expertise of the American Civil War to clear up some blatant fallacies concerning General Jackson.  The origins of his nickname were not as noble as one may think; on the contrary, Jackson garnered the nickname due to his obliviousness in all things romantic.  It was a hurtful nickname, though he was never aware of it.  Service in this most gruesome of wars left men little or no time with the fairer sex, but when the instance arose, men on both sides were fully willing to take advantage of the opportunity.  Just before the First Battle of Bull Run, a bevy of prostitutes arrived at the Confederate camp to increase morale and relieve anxiety.  A private Donald Ashley Sycamore provided the following account:  “About twenty of us were ready to bed down for the evening with the ladies of liberty who had come upon us, when all of a sudden our beloved General burst onto the scene clutching a rusty fiddle and a bag of marshmallows.  Afraid of being scourged, we quietly escorted the women away from the campfire, as we then had to listen to Jackson try and play Stairway to Heaven for seven hours straight – though he never quite got the chords right. We had been mightily stonewalled.”  It must be stressed that the term “stonewall” could be most aptly translated to modern English as meaning to “turn away,” or more crudely, “to cockblock.”  Jackson was a man who believed deeply in the power of male bonding before battle.  He “stonewalled” his troops on several other occasions, the most famous of which was the notorious macaroni and paper plate incident – a craft night before entering the horrors of war.  Just before the battle of Chancellorsville, several of his troops plotted Jackson’s assassination.  They believed he was costing them this war, what with his boy-scout mentality and all.  He could not be allowed to stonewall anymore.  So, the accident was no accident at all.  It was the devious plan of a few lusty Confederates angry with their prudish commander.  This begs a crucial question:  Had Jackson survived, might have the Confederacy won with the mentality of s’mores and male bonding?  The Confederacy was certainly on the right track before Jackson’s men were allowed to “stone” without being “walled” once again.

College Buddhism

Myth:  Siddhartha Gautama, also known as Gautama Buddha, is considered the founder of Buddhism and regarded as the supreme Buddha in most Buddhist sects.  Since historical records of antiquity can be sketchy at best, it is believed that Buddha lived and died somewhere between the 6^th and 4^th centuries BC.  A proponent of the idea of Enlightenment and a life of moderation, Buddha promulgated the basic tenets of modern Buddhism – namely the belief the suffering is ingrained in all peoples’ lives, but one can surpass suffering by way of avoiding a want for identity and sensuality.  Many forms of Buddhism exist today, but most can be labeled as a melting pot of religion and philosophy, all of which promote ideas of devotion, peacefulness, and the rejection of earthly cravings.

Fact:  Siddhartha Gautama, or Buddha, was in fact one of the most materialistic and shallow false prophets of his day.  Born in Nepal to an upper-middle class family living in the suburbs of Kathmandu, he received a private education at an elite boarding school located in nearby Tibet – The Tibetan Country Day School.  As early as boarding school, Buddha’s hypocritical and pedantic nature could be viewed on a day-to-day basis.  One fellow student remarked about an incident during their senior year:  “I was carrying numerous books to class and had to rid myself of a Luna Bar wrapper, so like any sane person I threw the wrapper in a nearby trash can.  All of a sudden I noticed the roar of a Range Rover engine as Buddha skidded to a stop in front of me.  He began screaming at me about the fact that a local recycling bin was located some 45 miles from where I was standing and grilled me as to why I hadn’t walked there to dispose of my Luna Bar wrapper.  I tried to point out the fact that he was driving a Range Rover, but Buddha quickly changed subjects and made a remark about my “sweatshop” made Target shirt I was wearing.  He then promptly told me to ‘Fuck off,’ flicked a burning joint into my face and drove off.  I was simply in awe.”  Buddha graduated with a mere 1.5 GPA, but because of his father’s connections, was able to receive admission to the elite Bombay Liberal Arts University.  He entered as a sociology major, but he often switched majors during those four years until he finally resettled on sociology just before graduation.  Archaeologists have found an old clay tablet that is believed to have belonged to Buddha during his undergraduate tenure.  It is most likely a tally board of sorts that lists the amount of women he slept with while at the University.  Moreover, to promote his name around campus, he facetiously started a religious club called Buddhism – the club was believed to be a front for a large-scale marijuana distribution service for the university.  Since some of the Crafts Club members had slept with Buddha, he demanded that they make “prayer flags” for his dorm room, so that anyone looking to score some weed could find his place of residence simply by following the colorful “prayer flags.”  Buddha ultimately left Bombay with a 0.95 GPA and a major in sociology (his thesis focused on the suffering of the underprivileged in Bombay caused by SUV exhaust).  He never formally applied for a job, but instead lived off the trust fund his father had left him.  A few confused students at Bombay who were obsessed with Buddha’s wealth and supposed “coolness” decided to alter the biography of their idol so that many more might follow the righteous teachings – or rants in this case – of this hated and loved university icon.  There are roughly 350 million Buddhists today, and unbeknownst to them, they are following the teachings of a self-involved, self-righteous sociopath.  Many, especially in America, still emulate the sacred Range Rover Rant on a daily basis.