It’s been a tumultuous few weeks, and the divide in this
country has never been more starkly pronounced.
We here at History Bros felt it was necessary to bring some joy, to
laugh again, as we navigate unknown territory in the narrative of this
republic. So, this week, we’ve got a special comedic guest to bust our chops:
20th President of the United States and lasagna aficionado, James A.
Garfield!
HB: President Garfield, did our interns offer you a small bowl
of milk?
JG: I really don’t know how to answer this anymore… I’m not a cat; I’m a man. A man who attended Williams College, served
for years in Congress, was a major general in the Union Army during the Civil
War, and supported civil rights for African-Americans while Reconstruction
wreaked havoc on the US.
HB: Todd, Garfield doesn’t want milk! Water?
JG: Sure.
HB: Todd, a small bowl of water for President Garfield!
JG: I can use a glass, I don…
HB: Garfield, what was it like to live with such a dunce
like John Arbuckle?
JG: I’m sorry, what? Sir, I came here to discuss my purging
of the US Post Office of corruption – matters of the highest order!
HB: I hate junk mail, right!? Ok, “a would you rather.”
JG: Huh?
HB: Odie or junk mail? What’s worse? That’s gotta be tough!
JG: What!?
HB: The brilliance of Jim Davis, discuss!
JG: Sir, I wanted to discuss my myriad merits that the
American people never seem to remember because I died so early on in my
presidency. Taken too early by…
HB: I know. You were hit by a car driven by disgruntled
office seeker Charles J. Guiteau, which is just completely random. Did John Arbuckle not have the money and put
you down? That happened to my first cat, Pooky. You feel terrible because it’s
like a part of your family, but like, money…you know?
JG: I hate this! I don’t fucking know what you’ve been
talking about this entire time. Please
get this small bowl of water out of my face AND this heaping pile of lasagna! I
hate today! I…
HB: Oh, oh! What’s today?
JG: Monday.
HB: Would you say that you hate this Monday?
JG: Yes, I’m particularly annoyed. I hate this Monday.
HB: Yay!!!!!!
