We have a very special episode today, as History Bros
returns after St. Patrick’s Day break.
Ironically, we tried to book St. Patrick himself, but he is STILL
getting his stomach pumped down at St. Jude’s.
Yes, it is a week after the fact and defies all medical odds, but he is
a fucking saint – and apparently a terrible human being.
Anyway, today’s guest is an infamous one: Ivan the Terrible,
ruler of all the Russias! But, before we
sit down with our guest, I need to plgs our new sponsor, Red Bull. Red Bull: may induce a panic attack. Red Bull: tastes like liquefied SweeTARTS;
not as tempting as it sounds. Red Bull.
HB: Ivan, nice to have you today! Nice hat!
ITT: Thank you. It’s
made from flesh of nobility.
HB: (pause)
ITT: (pause)
ITT: I kid!
HB: Oh! Oh ho!
Ok. Ivan, don’t do that.
ITT: I kid!
HB: I know.
HB: Now, the term terrible, in your time, can better be
translated as “formidable” or the like.
So, the moniker today doesn’t necessarily do you justice.
ITT: I united all the Russias! But, Ivan suffer from depression and bouts of
craziness!
HB: So, yeah, that does sound terrible…in the modern
sense. I’m…sorry?
ITT: I have Red Bull!
HB: Go ahead, it tastes like shi.. Oh.
Ok, I’m getting a signal from my producer, Brett, that this shouldn’t be
happening. Ivan…
ITT: Four shots in four seconds! Ivan!
Mad!
(technical difficulties)
HB: I’m whispering now, in the janitorial closet down the
hall. I can still hear Ivan thrashing
about. Brett, our producer, has been
impaled with a mic stand. I don’t know
if he’s dead or not; I hope not. But, I
am terrified of Ivan on Red Bull. Red
Bull: you pee yellow, which has to be
healthy. Red Bull.
(shuffling)
HB: I think he may be crashing. It’s happening. I think he’s in the men’s room right next to
the closet I’ve sequestered myself in. Oh.
Ok. His mic is still hooked up
and…and he’s singing Firework.
ITT: Do you ever feel
like a paper bag (weeping). I killed
them all. I killed my son.
HB: Holy shit!
***The airing of this episode resulted in the arrest of Ivan
the Terrible for the murder of his son, and possibly, the entire Russian
nobility. Brett died.
