Terrible

We have a very special episode today, as History Bros returns after St. Patrick’s Day break.  Ironically, we tried to book St. Patrick himself, but he is STILL getting his stomach pumped down at St. Jude’s.  Yes, it is a week after the fact and defies all medical odds, but he is a fucking saint – and apparently a terrible human being.

Anyway, today’s guest is an infamous one: Ivan the Terrible, ruler of all the Russias!  But, before we sit down with our guest, I need to plgs our new sponsor, Red Bull.  Red Bull: may induce a panic attack.  Red Bull: tastes like liquefied SweeTARTS; not as tempting as it sounds.  Red Bull.

HB: Ivan, nice to have you today! Nice hat!

ITT: Thank you.  It’s made from flesh of nobility.

HB: (pause)

ITT: (pause)

ITT:  I kid!

HB:  Oh!  Oh ho!  Ok.  Ivan, don’t do that.

ITT: I kid!

HB: I know.

HB: Now, the term terrible, in your time, can better be translated as “formidable” or the like.  So, the moniker today doesn’t necessarily do you justice.

ITT: I united all the Russias!  But, Ivan suffer from depression and bouts of craziness!

HB: So, yeah, that does sound terrible…in the modern sense.  I’m…sorry?

ITT: I have Red Bull!

HB: Go ahead, it tastes like shi..  Oh.  Ok, I’m getting a signal from my producer, Brett, that this shouldn’t be happening.  Ivan…

ITT: Four shots in four seconds!  Ivan!  Mad!

(technical difficulties)

HB: I’m whispering now, in the janitorial closet down the hall.  I can still hear Ivan thrashing about.  Brett, our producer, has been impaled with a mic stand.  I don’t know if he’s dead or not; I hope not.  But, I am terrified of Ivan on Red Bull.  Red Bull:  you pee yellow, which has to be healthy.  Red Bull.

(shuffling)

HB: I think he may be crashing.  It’s happening.  I think he’s in the men’s room right next to the closet I’ve sequestered myself in.  Oh.  Ok.  His mic is still hooked up and…and he’s singing Firework.

ITT:  Do you ever feel like a paper bag (weeping).  I killed them all.  I killed my son.

HB:  Holy shit!

***The airing of this episode resulted in the arrest of Ivan the Terrible for the murder of his son, and possibly, the entire Russian nobility.  Brett died.