Suburban Marauder

Hey!  History Bros is back after yet another long, but well-warranted, hiatus.  Fumigation.  The worst.  We had an outbreak of lavender in our offices, which can apparently be deadly if not checked.  This assertion was verified when we found yet another dead intern at History Bros headquarters – death by lavender inhalation and extreme relaxation.  Intern Casey was found in a bubble bath, unconscious.  Sad news aside, we have famed explorer Leif Ericson with us today to share some of his more famous exploits, including the first known landing in North American by a European.  And we’ll dig a little deeper into his Viking heritage and unpack what that means for…

HB: And the offices are now on fire.  Tar…yep, tar is seeping through our flimsy ceiling, only adding fodder to this blaze.  Oh, Jesus.  Mikey, our FedEx guy for the past 12 years (super nice guy) was just impaled and then eviscerated.  His murderer is now wearing his large intestine as a boa.  Leif and his bros seem to be here.

Leif: Plunder!

HB: Leif, we talked over the phone and, contrary to all this, you seemed extremely polite.  The interview?  No?

Leif: Berserker!                                                         

HB: Ok, it appears that Leif and his ZZ Top buddies are now in berserker mode… OK… Todd the intern’s head is now rolling across my feet.  Over some sweet Pumas I might add.  Leif?  You were so articulate over the phone, I don’t…  And they’re leaving.  Carl, get the van.

HB: We followed Leif and company in their “scooped out” Chevy Suburban, which topped out at about 2 mph since they seem to be adamant about using oars and wind power.  We are now in front of a Jewel Osco, and…oh, ok…the battering ram has come out.

Leif: You want to live, boy!?  Join!

HB: Leif, seriously.  You said you graduated from Vassar with a minor in English Lit.  We talked 

about how we’d love to buy “real” furniture once we settle down, rather than the IKEA crap that’s more of a holdover.  You were really into that conversation.  …And they’ve broken into the Jewel.

Leif:  Pearls!

HB:  Leif has just grabbed about four boxes of Tampax Pearl brand tampons.

Leif: Onward to Schaumburg!

HB: I can only guess that Leif and friends are going to maraud the IKEA in Schaumburg due to some deep-seated resentment toward a nomadic life, continually relying on furniture that lasts about 2 years with no real value or sentiment

HB: Oh hey, Mikey left a Pottery Barn catalog.  Carl, Jamba Juice?  Alright!