There Will Be Blood

Myth:  Bloodletting, the medical practice of withdrawing small amounts of blood in order to ostensibly cure or relieve patients’ suffering from anything from tuberculosis to the common cold, had been practiced throughout the millennia.  Utilized by the likes of the Mesopotamians to the Medieval Europeans to 19^th century Americans, it was not until quite recently that bloodletting was believed to have an adverse effect on the majority of cases throughout the annals of history.  Prior to his death in 1799, George Washington asked to be bled heavily after contracting a severe throat infection, losing some four pounds of blood before expiring soon after.  Galen of Rome, famed physician and student of the methods of Hippocrates, popularized the technique in Ancient Greece and Rome, insisting that it provided the same benefits as menstruation among women – that is the systematic release of toxins found in “used-up blood.”  The more severe the illness, the more blood the physician would withdraw.  It seems absolutely ludicrous to our modern day sensibilities, but even as anatomical knowledge exponentially increased most cures still eluded physicians and so bloodletting was, simply put, better than doing nothing.

Fact:  Contrary to modern medicine and the so-called fact that bloodletting did more harm than good, bloodletting actually saved the majority of patients on whom it was practiced.  Firstly, Galen was no pioneering physician more than a man who desperately wished to menstruate.  “I am a woman trapped in the shell of a man,” Galen wrote to his subsequently outraged father in 166 A.D.  “Mother does nothing but weep, and I have been disowned by mine own father – it is now in my hands to come into happiness.”  Galen would often wear women’s undergarments and make a small incision near the hip so as to create the illusion of menstruation.  One of Galen’s friends, who was totally cool with his life choice, was still saddened by Galen’s inability to be a woman:  “Two things: Galen doesn’t comprehend the fact that he can’t menstruate every single day – that and the fact he is Greek, so the hair thing doesn’t help.  But, having seen his happiness, many physicians began to believe that bloodletting might have positive psychological, as well as physiological, effects on their patients.  Secondly, bloodletting is well documented as having near miraculous outcomes on patients.  Most notably, a private fighting for the Union during the American Civil War at Antietam lost all his limbs --- and his head.  Believing him to be dead, his comrades dropped him off at the surgeon’s tent to later be buried, but an optimistic doctor asked for the private to be put on the operating table.  After a few arguments with his assistants about the loss of the soldier’s head, the exasperated assistants yielded and put the body on the table.  The doctor announced he would be letting some more blood from his severed head.  One of his assistant’s later remarked, “What happened next was beyond my comprehension.  Of course I’m well aware that the more severe the wound, the more blood should be let – like obviously.  But I had no idea that after a few minutes of heavy letting the soldier would bound away with great enthusiasm, grab his rifle and kill some fifty-odd Rebs that day.”  Lastly, I take the example of George Washington’s bloodletting prior to his death as a completely muddied case of history.  Just as the aforementioned soldier became reinvigorated after heavy bloodletting, as did Washington become reinvigorated after losing some four pounds of blood.  Washington even went so far as to sardonically use his blood as a mixture for some fine sausages.  Rather it was John Hancock and his damn belief that a baby aspirin a day can reduce the risk of heart attack.  Hancock, recently hired as a pharmaceutical rep due to his grandiose handwriting and cocky disposition, coaxed Washington into the daily regimen.  Washington had an allergic reaction the next day and perished.  Thus, in instances such as Washington’s, bloodletting was tagged as the reason for his death.

Live at Little Bighorn!

Myth:  The Battle of Little Big Horn, famously referred to as Custer’s Last Stand, was one of the great conflicts that characterized an era rife with Indian Wars – America’s forceful drive into the last frontier and the realization of Manifest Destiny.  Though with regard to The Battle of Little Big Horn, it underscored the native Indian’s hope to valiantly hold on to their way of life and their willingness to fight to the death.  The battle was one of the great last breaths of staving off the encroaching white frontier, as Cheyenne and Lakota chiefs such as Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull overwhelmed Custer’s U.S. force of about 700 men.  Due to faulty intelligence and Custer’s vainglorious temperament, the US Army unknowingly bit off more than it could chew, as about 1,000 plus Cheyenne, Lakota and Arapaho Indians engaged Custer’s cavalry on June 25 and 26 in Montana territory in the year 1876.  About half of Custer’s troops were slain, while only a fraction of that fell to their death among the Indian contingent.  It was a severe blow to the US Army in their war to bridge east and west America, and more importantly, subdue their native foes.  Though it would not be long after such a great loss that all Indians would be subjugated to the whims of the American government, Custer’s doomed battle still lives in the imagination of many – an exotic world where men were driven by pure bloodlust, glory, and on the Indian’s behalf, the avoidance of extinction and loss of culture.

Fact:  There is much conjecture surrounding the death of George Armstrong Custer, since myriad varying accounts exist as to the timing and circumstances of his death.  To an amateur historian, these frivolities may seem important, but not to me.  Much speculation surrounds Custer’s death because he did, in fact, “die” on at least seven occasions.  Moreover, all participants in The Battle of Little Big Horn, both Indian and American, died on more than one occasion.  Going even further, this anomaly defined the Indian wars all the way back to the 1830s and continued into the early 20^th century before the Wild West became nothing more than legend.  This phenomenon is better known as the “John Wayne Death,” or “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Flying Mattress Death.”  Both the Indian and American participants were keenly aware that the majority of these battles would never be seen by their contemporaries, so only the most flamboyant deaths would suffice in battle.  Battles, in their general sense, didn’t actually even take place.  It was more of a back and forth between Indians and US troops as to whom could perform the most ridiculous death, and then relay that information to a fascinated public.  These were America’s proto-screen actors and proto-stunt doubles.  And Custer was the ham of the group.  One Lieutenant Leroy “Unforgiven” Rogers, detailed the process in his man diary: “We would meet on a pitched field of battle, shake hands, teamsters would bring out brunch, and then we’d get to work.  Privates and lower-status warriors generally went first and were only given one chance to perform their glorious death.  Most were hacks that would use the clichéd ‘shot in the gut, walk fifty paces and then fall on your back technique.’  How exhausting.  Officers on the other hand, had seen a few Indie or Art House battles, so they were a bit more creative.  Given a chest protector, they often had a few chances to set up their technique before being killed.  I myself am going with an arrow to the chest (which will be ripped out), several arrows to the buttocks – I’m a glutton for slapstick – and then a backflip off of a buffalo into a nearby creek.”  Custer outdid himself at Little Bighorn.  Depending on the acting chops of Crazy Horse, George took a few practice runs, before executing the perfect Western battle death.  Three bullets were fired in his direction, but right before hitting him, he utilized a hidden diving board to perform a double corkscrew flip onto the back of his horse, rode directly toward Crazy Horse and few extras with guns a-blazing.  Crazy Horse, as instructed, then jumped onto Custer’s horse, whereby each shot at each other from opposite sides of the horse.  Crazy Horse would “realize” that a huge canyon was approaching, dismount and perform a classic theater tumble.  Custer looked ahead at the canyon and sighed in resignation, but before plummeting to his death, he glanced back at Crazy Horse, giving him a wink and quick salute.  Snuff “film” was born, which would give way to the more acceptable Western film.