Franklin, Filthy Franklin

Myth:  Benjamin Franklin, renowned Renaissance man and Founding Father of the United States of America, was known as something of a promiscuous statesman.  Though Franklin did indeed produce an illegitimate son, William, this stigma of unbounded sexuality is unwarranted.  Franklin, establishing a common-law marriage with Ms. Deborah Read in 1730, was true to the woman whose hand in marriage was summarily rejected by her widowed mother prior to their common-law marriage.  Furthermore, Franklin was forthright about his illegitimate son from the onset, bringing the child into his and Deborah’s home subsequently after the public acknowledgment.  Serving abroad as US minister to both France and Sweden, Franklin was a popular character among both men and women – he often kept up correspondence with various women, and though tinged with flirtation, it was generally intellectual in nature.  Franklin’s will explicitly stated that his grave simply read Benjamin and Deborah Franklin, a testament to his love for his wife and ardent belief in a virtuous life.

             

Fact:  Virtuous?  Franklin was the farthest thing from it.  Benjamin was a sex-craved deviant, only empowered further by his dashing good looks.  Before one jumps to any judgment regarding Franklin’s status as “Ye Olde Loin Liberator,” you must remember that standards for general attractiveness were much different in the 18^th century.  Hair and rippling delts were inferior to one’s longevity in a time defined by a shockingly low life expectancy.  Good health in old age was the era’s aphrodisiac.  Franklin’s debauchery started at an early age in Boston, penning less notable – and less staid – titles as Poor Richard’s Almanac of Boston Taverns and the Pussy Therein.  Paling in comparison to Franklin’s much more praiseworthy almanac, the first was nevertheless exhaustive in its research of some 350 taverns in colonial Boston and the relative ease of getting laid at said taverns.  As Franklin continued to climb the political ranks, other noteworthy statesmen of the day were in awe of Franklin’s sexual prowess; some were even outright jealous of the old man’s success in the bedroom.  Thomas Jefferson, totes hot by today’s standards, did not hold a candle to Franklin’s supremacy as a Casanova.  “He layeth down the French, the British, and even the pearls of the Orient, and I still sit idle, biding my time with the greatest vaginal deterrent to have ever lived, John Adams.  Goddamn John Adams.  Well, I still have Sally Hemmings, but that’s like paying for a prostitute – I feel no more nobler.”  Franklin’s notoriety as a playboy extended beyond the realm of the United States, as he was a welcome guest at all of Europe’s greatest galas.  Old Benjamin is said to have set the modern precedent of Halloween as the de facto “excuse to be slutty” day.  Paris in 1784 saw the first Bros and Scary Ho’s party, where women of the French elite showed a bit more ankle and wrist, donning prepackaged costumes such as Sexy Marie Antoinette or Sexy Homemaker.  Though a hedonist at heart, Franklin used his innate promiscuity for good.  He is attributed with single-handedly distracting British troops by disseminating a pamphlet detailing hot encounters with lonely British wives – a sure distraction for a British people known to engage in sexual activity at a mandatory distance of 40 yards.  Death and taxes were not the only two inevitabilities of Franklin’s life, but rather they were death, taxes and the entrancement of women by well-coifed side hair.