Blackbeard's Ironic Beard

Myth:  Edward Teach, more commonly and notoriously known as Blackbeard, is the archetype of the 17^th and 18^th century pirate who would roam the exponentially popular trade routes crossing through the Caribbean and coasts of the British colonies of North America.  Little is known about Blackbeard, but educated speculation points to a man possibly raised in a respectable, wealthy family; someone who could read and write; and one of many who capitalized on the increased shipping traffic of the West Indies following Queen Anne’s War in the early 18^th century.  Contrary to popular belief, most privateers-turned-pirates of this day in age were not necessarily of the fiendish sort most imagine them to be; rather, they were often pardoned by their respective governments from time to time and compelled to capture and loot enemy nations’ ships.  Nevertheless, Blackbeard was branded a criminal, as he often utilized means of intimidation rather than outright slaughter to subdue his victims.  After various operations outside wealthy port towns such as Charles Towne (Charleston), South Carolina, Teach settled around the coast of North Carolina.  Various colonial governors continued to express concern over the pirate’s continued escapades, and so it fell upon Lieutenant Robert Maynard’s shoulders to put an end to Teach’s career aboard his beloved Queen Anne’s Revenge.  Maynard’s men spotted Blackbeard and his men near Ocracoke Island on the evening of November 21^st, 1718.  The following morning a vicious battle ensued, resulting in the death and beheading of Edward Teach, soon to be mounted on Maynard’s sails both as a warning and a means to collect his bounty.

Fact:  Much more is known about Edward Teach than most historians admit, most likely due to the fact that Edward Teach is really not worth noting in the annals of history.  Born into an upper-middle class suburban Bristol, UK family and raised in a two-sloop garage type of home, Teach was your classic bored, suburban white boy.  Excelling in English and Comparative Literature, he finished Eton in 3 years and then opted to attend the newly founded Sarah Lawrence College to pursue English and Shakespearean Literature and Effects on Sustainability.  He also cited “a need to find my own path and unique identity in this conformist world” as reasons for matriculating to a British North American liberal arts college.  Concurrently, the age-old off-and on obsession with moustaches and beards began to hit its stride while Teach was at Sarah Lawrence.  And as history has consistently shown us, the moustache/beard obsession is often accompanied by infatuations with pirates, ninjas, gramophones and old-school bicycles (we currently reside during one of these asinine and tedious times, though historians agree that a decline is in progress).  And so it began.  Teach first grew mutton chops, and then graduated to a full-on thick, black, Arcadian Fire-worthy (think Arcade Fire but with fifes) beard while dissecting the possibility that Chaucer might be gay in his senior level English seminars.  Since Teach wasn’t that much of a fan of the Orient (Oh sure, he would laugh at a good ninja joke now and then out of respect), he opted for the pirate route.  After graduation, his beard thicker than ever, friends began to call him Blackbeard, an ironic nod to the matter-of-factness the nickname evoked.  Armed with a Comparative Lit degree, Teach quickly found work at a local coffee house near Wilmington, North Carolina – The Pirate’s Press.  Unaware that he was effectively becoming irrelevant to both British and colonial society, Blackbeard plummeted headfirst into a social abyss filled with “Arrrrghs” and eye patches.  He and his friends even went so far as to carry fake doubloons on their person, so whenever they’d encounter each other at the Pirate’s Press or a King James Jam Festival ironic hilarity would ensue.  The evening of November 21^st, 1718 was a fateful night for Teach.  Soon after leaving a DIY silk screen printing press workshop, Blackbeard – who was now lacking in depth perception due to the constant wearing of an eye patch combined with ill-walking skills due to a youth large blouse adorning his much larger frame – tripped over a fixed-gear clipper ship anchor right onto a Lieutenant Maynard’s holstered sword.  Blackbeard expired a few hours later.  A few friends tattooed his date of death and a beard onto their arms, but besides those few attempts of immortalization, Teach’s memory was lost to the world.