Galaxy Quest Galileo!

 

 

Myth:  Galileo Galilei, one of the most recognizable names attributed to the dawn of modern science.  While living during an age of both religious and scientific tumult, Galileo audaciously challenged the long-held beliefs of the Vatican, supported a Copernican heliocentric model (that is to say the sun existed at the center of our solar system) and risked death at the hands of the Roman Inquisition.  Galileo vastly improved the telescope during his lifetime – born in 1564 and dying in 1642 – and made momentous discoveries such as confirming the existence of the four largest moons of Jupiter.  Tireless analysis of sunspots and forays into the realm of physics, including the oft-debated concept of falling bodies, marked Galileo as a man of science.  Though to be a man of science during this age of papal dominance, was to be a marked man in a perilous sense.  Objections to his work came from both scientists and clergy alike, and in 1615 the Inquisition labeled him a heretic following a purported verbal attack on Pope Urban VIII.  Galileo was ordered to recant and sentenced to house arrest for the remainder of his life after being found "vehemently suspect of heresy.”  Though sentenced to house arrest, it was during this period of incarceration that Galileo wrote one of his most celebrated works – The Two New Sciences.  Galileo has earned such appellations as the “Father of Modern Science” for his contributions to astronomy, physics and philosophy, and he continues to embody the idea of a great mind and man ahead of his time.

Fact:  Galileo was a dweeb.  Notice that I do not give him the title of nerd, for that would insinuate that he did in fact contribute to the scientific community.  No, the supposed genius was more of a dweeb.  For historical purposes, let us further define dweeb: a person who ostensibly has a great mind, but unfortunately just appears to have the attributes of a genius (lack of social skills, scoliosis, eating boogers, obsession with Mr. Bean, terrible at all sports except running).  Galileo lived with his parents until the age of 34, a time during which he was infatuated with the cult Sci-Fi Commedia dell’Arte troupe Martians of Pisa!  Giuseppe Galilei, Galileo’s annoyed albeit concerned father, remarked, “He would spend days on end watching repeats [mind you, repeats during this day in age consisted of one going over a transcribed leaflet detailing previous performances] with just a can of Prego! lying on his bloated stomach.  It was difficult to watch as a father, but what really sent him out the door was the constant masturbation.  His mother just could not endure the thought of her son defiling himself and sinning 12 to 14 times a day.”  After being ousted from his house, Galileo had no job, no skills and only the ability to recite all 15 seasons of Christopher Columbus: Cyborg Slayer on which to rely.  Ultimately he found himself among the Lil’ Bambinos, a program founded by Pope Urban VIII to keep at-risk Italian youths off the streets.  He was by far the oldest individual in the club, and his fellow Bambinos incessantly teased him for his odd behavior and autistic tendencies.  He absolutely adored the movie Contact.  Galileo’s The Two New Sciences was no groundbreaking scientific text, but rather a tome consisting of the following lines scrawled over and over again: “Jodie Foster says, ‘Dad, do you think there's people on other planets?’  And her Dad says, ‘I don't know, Sparks. But I guess I'd say if it is just us... seems like an awful waste of space.’  I totally agree with that.  There’s gotta be aliens out there.  I know it.”  Without his beloved basement in which to fulfill his need for all things sci-fi, Galileo quickly plunged into deep depression.  Yet, he was smart enough to know that the Vatican, specifically Urban VIII, would not tolerate heretical remarks aimed at the church.  Thus, in an unprecedented display of boldness, Galileo submitted a text to the Vatican detailing his belief that Jesus was actually an evil twin of Jessur, the prince of Uranus.  The Church was quite ruthless during these turbulent times, but they were careful not to execute someone without formidable power or sway, so they resorted to another punishment in which to inflict upon the dweeb Galileo – house arrest in the basement of his parents’ abode.