Grant's Flaming Flamingo

Special, special episode today: Abraham Lincoln! The Rail Splitter, The Great Emancipator, Attempted Murderer of Isaac…whatever you want to call him, he’s here! Oh, and as irony would have it, he’s driving a Lincoln Navigator into our lot. And weaving…a lot. Ok, Abraham Lincoln is a terrible driver. We all have faults. Stepping out! And…put on some pounds. That’s fine, he deserves it. And about a foot shorter. Gained weight and lost height, but it’s Abraham fucking Lincoln! It’s… No. No. No! Not again. It’s fucking Grant. Lock the door! And he’s coming through the window.

US: Hey, hey, hey! Pussface. You remember me.

HB: Yes, Ulysses, we had you banned last time you were here for psychologically abusing our intern and lighting a lawn flamingo on fire.

US: If it’s pink I’ll set in on fire!

HB: That makes so much sense.

US: Psst.

HB: What?

US: JAGERBOMBS!

HB: No.

US: I ain’t got all day. McConaughey’s in the Nav booting and rallying, and you! Need a Red Bull!

HB: Nope.

US: Oh it’s sugar free, sweet titties.

HB: And this is why we banned you. What’d you do with Lincoln?

US: Oh he couldn’t handle his liquor and started a parable about a goat and a panther…I don’t know, I wasn’t listening. He makes no sense! Right? Am I the only one? His stories take FOREVER.

HB: General, where is he?

US: Oh pssshanty. We put him an Uber. He’ll be fine.

HB: Good. That’s surprisingly responsible of you.

US: Shhh, psstt?

HB: What?

US: He’s in an Uber to Atlanta! Ahaha, he’s gonna be so fucking mad. They hate him down there! So much! The old Atlanta Shuffle scheme!

US: Why didn’t Daniel Day-Lewis play me? Mmmm? Where’s my movie!

HB: And you’re crying… Ulysses, it’s time to go. Please.

US: Who plays me? Paul Giamatti. You think he looks like me, don’t you?

HB: I don’t. Time to go. Sleep it off. Please.

US: Let me just get my keys…ooop, flaming  flamingo!

HB: How the hell did you hide that from me!? Get out!

US: Sleight of hand, pussface! Gahhh, my sleeve’s on fire! I was president!