Wicked Wendish

Beetlejuice! It’s been yet another long break for History Bros, this time due to my recent tryout stint with the Hickory Crawdads, single-A affiliate for the Texas Rangers. Pros: I can chew an entire pack of Big League Chew, earning me the nickname Lockjaw. Cons: I’m terrified of being hit by the ball, so my demands to just play as an infielder and refrain from hitting were met with my demotion to working the pulled pork concession stand. No hard feelings, and please come out in April to opening day to support the Crawdads and help raise money for local boy Tommy John who fell in a well last summer.

Speaking of bats and beating the shit out of things, Olaf Tryggvason is here with us today! King of Norway from 995-1000 CE!

HB: So it’s rumored that you converted your people to Christianity, credited with building the first church in Norway. As a Christian man, will you be donating to help get Tommy John out of that well?

OT: Already done. I heard your pleas and responded in kind. May Tommy John arise from the depths of darkness with my donation of a Crux-type coin.

HB: What is that, like an Arches National park quarter?

OT: Yes. I’ll trade you a Crater Lake quarter for Arches if you got it!

HB: Oh, you’re sly Olaf. We all know the Crater Lake doesn’t compare to Arches, let alone an original Pennsylvania state quarter…which I also happen to have.

OT: Not even with the addition of this sweet metal slammer pog!?

HB: Ohhhh, no way! Trade.

OT: And now you’ve finished your first Viking barter.

HB: That’s so cool. What is this, iron.

OT: It’s heavy plastic.

HB: Cool.

HB: Question. Is it boring living in Scandinavia? It’s cold, dark, and everyone’s white and works for a cell phone company.

OT: We elevate ourselves with kickass nicknames like Harald Fairhair, my great-great grandfather, or Erik Bloodaxe, my would-be assassin known for his penchant of carrying Axe body spray into battle.

HB: My Viking name is Lockjaw, by the way.

OT: For impaling your enemies?

HB: Gum chewing.

HB: It says here you were last seen at the Battle of Svolder, fighting a combined force of Danish, Swedish and Wendish fleets. Ugh, the Wendish.

OT: Oh, I hate the Wendish!

HB: Okay, but, your obit says you just jumped overboard and were seen no more… That seems really fucking anticlimactic.

OT: Weren’t you the one who jumped out of the way of leather balls at Crawdads games? There were arrows there, so, fuck that.

HB: That’s a fair point. Let’s bury the hatchet by swindling some Wendish!

OT: Wendish!