Achilles Heel

Myth:  Handed down over the centuries, mostly through oral tradition, though immortalized in such epics as The Iliad and The Odyssey, the Trojan War remains one of the greatest military stories of the millennia.  The reality of the event has been in contention for centuries, but in recent years archaeologists and historians have unearthed evidence of the remains of a stronghold in modern-day Turkey – believed to be the location of ancient Troy (or Ilium).  Some historians do believe a battle between the ancient Achaeans (Greeks) and Trojans did indeed occur, but to a much less fantastical degree than the likes of Homer suggest.  Authenticity aside, accounts of the ten-year campaign that was the Trojan War shed light on the absolute importance of glory, saving face, triumph and loyalty during the 12^th and 11^th centuries BC that trickled down to the height of Greek civilization some centuries later.  A story of mortal versus mortal, god versus god and the utter grasp of fate, the Trojan War lore continues to hold the imagination of our post-modern, skeptical society in which we live today.

Fact:  The Trojan War as an unparalleled work of verse by a school of poets, most notably attributed to Homer, is indeed a captivating, violent and lascivious legend.  But one must read between the lines in order to gain the ulterior motives by the author: pre-evangelicalism.  That’s right, Homer and his cronies, were nothing more than the prototypes of the likes of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson.  The present-day epic that is The Twilight Saga is on par with accounts of the Trojan War and The Iliad – neither tween nor serious scholar would disagree with that – and it shares a few commonalities: fantastic authorship and an underlying theme of abstinence.  The Iliad constantly, even incessantly, depicts the battling warriors as sweaty, muscled, barely-clothed, attractive specimens of God – or the gods in The Iliad’s case.  Contemporary accounts inform us that acceptable clothing was indeed available, but these men were lusty and thirsting for blood – or penis, depending on how you interpret the tome.  Swords were plentiful, but if one reads the account once more, he will pick up a much larger theme: the spear was the weapon of choice.  You have Achilles, Hector, the two Ajaxes (incestuous lovers), Agamemnon, Paris, etc., “spearing” all over the place.  The prior nine years (or nine months if historical accuracy is taken into account) that The Iliad fails to mention in length is due to the fact that everyone was pregnant.*  And amid all this debauchery, the gods were always watching and judging.  So much sex and wrongdoing was bound to incur the wrath of the gods, especially Zeus, the fundamental Pentecostal among the gods.  The moral of the story: everyone dies because of his sexual transgressions.  Homer wrote The Iliad as a means to both enthrall and indoctrinate the impressionable young Greek youth.  Fight fully-clothed and without spear and you will earn the gratitude of the gods, but stray like “comely” Achilles, take your shirt off, grease up and spiral into a spearing frenzy and you shall incur the wrath of the gods.  Read The Twilight Saga and The Iliad back-to-back and you will be in awe of the similarities and common message of abstinence and restraint in the face of shirtless men.

*  Prior to the 5^th century BC, all men were capable of becoming pregnant.  Historians refer to this as the “Junior Period” – a nod to the blockbuster hit Junior, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.