As always, History Bros is sponsored by a reliable but outdated car model. This week’s model is the Nissan Sentra: Nissan Sentra, we’ll see you at the Avis economy lot.
Alex, take it away!
Thanks, History Bros. Nissan Sentra. Wonderful ride from O’Hare International Airport. No complaints. Stopped at Portillo’s, because that’s what you’re supposed to do when in Chicago, I guess. I’d compare it to the Nissan Sentra - reliable and unassuming. I get it. Put fuel in and keep going. Cool.
So, first off, I still haven’t seen my own goddamn show because I never win the lottery. Granted, I was super on top of it for half a year, then I started forgetting to enter even though my work colleagues at John Hancock Financial (yes, I’m in my fifth as an agent with John Hancock Financial) would keep talking about it...just didn’t care anymore. Thought the prices would go down. “Oh, I’ll wait a few more years, when the prices are lower.” Still hasn’t happened. Still waiting. I think I’m just waiting for someone to ask me. And then you have these people, like Ben Franklin, who’s seen it 7 times. 7 times! How many times do you need to see a show!? Yeah, I saw Cats a lot, but capped out at 3. Great show, great show, but not worth 7 tickets…
Whatever.
A lot of people still think I’m Puerto Rican. No. I’m a white dude who was born at a Sandals Resort in St. Kitts and Nevis. I heard Lin Manuel Miranda did a great job - still haven’t seen it, Ben! - heard he did a great job, but just because he’s Puerto Rican doesn’t mean I’m Puerto Rican. Don’t get me wrong, I think Puerto Ricans should have the right to vote in presidential elections, they’ve definitely gotten the shaft. You know who was a great Puerto Rican? Roberto Clemente. What an arm! His life ended too early, way too early. That! That I get it! 3,000 hit club…. Clemente. Anyway, yeah, I grew up on buffets at the Sandals Resort in St Kitts and Nevis. And I can tell you one thing: there is a limit to how much buffet prime rib you can eat. There’s a limit. God, great fucking arm on Clemente.
What else? Oh, yeah, I didn’t throw away my shot! I was trying to murder that motherfucker Burr before he murdered me. Guy was a piece of shit. You know he maced me before I shot? That’s the dirty rat he is, pulling that Cobra Kai shit on me. 8...9..10..turn and blinded by Burr’s fucking tiny can of mace. I throw my gun toward him in frustration and then he shoots me. And of course I don’t die right away. Of course. I think he did that on purpose. He’s vindictive! I heard Lin Manuel made him look like shit, so kudos to him, but again, still haven’t seen it. Ben, are you going for an 8th time?
Guy’s not even tried for murder! Burr murders me and he gets off! Ok, political pariah, but I would assume so if you f’ing murder someone!
Damnit.
Ok, to sum up. Nissan Sentra and Portillo’s: meh. I’m not Puerto Rican, but that sweet, sweet arm of Clemente is Puerto Rican. Burr’s a dick. I was maced. Ben Franklin is a dick, too, but he wouldn’t mace anyone during a duel.
Do you validate parking?
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