Pornhub Jones

John Paul Jones, Revolutionary War icon and Father of the US Navy, is here to set the record straight about his apparent piracy during the harrowing conflict – he has many detractors among the British, screaming for an indictment. After the War for Independence came to a close, John Paul Jones joined up with the Russian Imperial Navy to continue his craft as a skilled sea commander. Let’s set the record straight.

HB: And I don’t have my computer. Where’s my computer?

JPJ: Hey man, sorry, just wanted to finish an episode of Game of Thrones.

HB: Did you disable my pop-up blocker?

JPJ: I had to, it’s not HBO, so how am I going to watch it?

HB: There’s like 50 tabs open. Where’s your computer?

JPJ: Fried the hard drive, from…watching…too many sports.

HB:  You’re a terrible liar. Speaking of which, you added “Jones” to John Paul to hide from law enforcement? This really happened.

JPJ: Yes, I would don a mustache and confuse the bejesus out of townsfolk with the added surname.

HB: That’s so stupid. Ok, you’ve pillaged my personal computer – and I now have 20 requests from local MILFS who are apparently horny to meet me. All that aside, do you wish to clear your name regarding the infamous Whitehaven raid?

JPJ: You know what sucks about sea life?

HB: Ok, we’re changing the subject. I’ll bite. What?

JPJ: Unless you’re an officer, you have no privacy to watch whatever you want. It’s like having 300 roommates watching your every mouse click! So, that’s what drove me to become a commander – to strive for greatness.

HB: Please don’t wink at me. So…if I’m following, you became the “Father of the US Navy” so you could watch porn in your own cabin.

HB: Again, please don’t wink at me.

JPJ: You know what the great thing about Russia is? No firewalls!

HB: I’m assuming we’re talking about computers and not warfare? …Stop fucking winking at me!

JPJ: Hey, can I borrow your phone?

HB: Why?

JPJ: I want to check the Yankees score.

HB: Fine.

HB: Why does your sports score sound like explicit sex?

JPJ: Because Aaron Judge just hit a dinger!

HB: Phone. Now.

JPJ: This place blows. Internet café nearby?

HB: And he’s leaving. Well, informative as always. John Paul “Jones” is apparently a serial masturbator, may be a pirate, and has the worst sense of computer security.

(Man with mustache knocks on window): Excuse me, sir, I’ve lost my mother and would much like to use your phone to let her know where I am.

HB:  Aw, it’s a kid with a mustache and he’s lost. What’s your name kiddo?

Lost kid: John Paul…Smith?