The Communist Manifesto: Corrected Edition

Myth:  Karl Marx, born to an upper middle-class family in what is now present-day Germany, was, and continues to be, one of the most influential sociologists in modern history.  Living during the 19^th century, Marx experienced the effects of dramatic industrial expansion, the rise of a wealthy merchant class and the subjugation of an entire working-class populace.  In his most famous work, The Communist Manifesto, Marx highlights the fact that all societies are struggles between classes.  In it, he is a strong opponent of the ruling upper echelons of society, believing them to be a collective, selfish bourgeoisie that benefited from the unfair practices of capitalism.  Under his theory of socialism, or later known as Marxism, the working-class – or proletariat – would rebel and revolt, turning the current paradigm on its head.  The dictatorship of the working classes would soon give rise to a stateless, communistic entity, in which the people would work for the whole of society and share the benefits of their toils.  Marxism today has found its way into many societal facets, ranging from healthcare to pure political thought, and spanning the globe from Cuba to Europe.

Fact:  Karl Marx was indeed born into a wealthy family, and he attended both the prestigious University of Boon and esteemed University of Berlin.  Ironically, Marx suffered a nervous breakdown during a senior year course on the philosophy of political economies.  The onset of schizophrenia was quick and crippling.  However, as this was the last course of the year and graduation was imminent, it went unnoticed by his friends and family, simply believing he was thrilled to be done with his studies.  A tragically comedic passage from a friend’s diary underscores Marx’s detachment from society:  “Ol’ Marxy ran through the crowd and received his diploma wearing just a handkerchief around his left ankle, slapped the Chancellor with his penis and then ran through the streets.  Oh what a joyous prank!  So like him.”  In reality, Marx was manic.  Shortly after graduation, Marx told his parents he was working in Paris as a philosopher, though in reality he was living under the Eiffel Tower with all his belongings contained in a Nutella jar.  He was homeless.  And he looked the part – beard unkempt and shocks of hair flying in all directions.  But, he did write.  The writings, however, were accounts of his daily life of begging and conspiracy theories that he mulled over night after night.  The title itself of The Communist Manifesto points to Marx’s insanity.  Since his spelling had suffered since the breakdown, Marx had meant to title the piece The Come You Nist, Manifest You, “Nist” of course the German word for she-devil.  He was perpetually afraid of a she-devil that was apparently hunting him around the city of Paris, and in defense, Marx often wore a tinfoil cap to keep his thoughts from this she-devil.  The large, new factories sprouting up all over the European landscape frightened poor Marx, which is why he aimed most of his animosity toward capitalism and the rise of what he called, “Towers of Fire.”  The “Nist” often breathed fire onto her enemies in old German lore.  What scholars describe as the lower classes, or proletariat, was actually a massive miscommunication on Marx’s part.  Again, Marx meant to say “Bro, litter,” roughly translating to “Bro, any garbage you could give me because I’m hungry.”  But, philosophers still believed him to be a genius; a genius in the guise of a tin hat-wearing, conspiracy theorist.  So, all of you Marxists out there, you’re actually following the writings of a man constantly on the run from a she-devil and her towers of fire, living under the Eiffel Tower to deter any mind-reading by the infamous Nist, and asking Bros for litter and hot dogs.