The Incredible Polish Hulk

Myth:  Marie Curie, the notable Polish-French physicist and chemist, is most widely known for her theory of radioactivity and the discovery of two new elements:  polonium and radium.  She was the first female professor at the University of Paris, the first to win two Nobel Prizes – one in physics and one in chemistry, mind you – and sadly, she died the age of 66 due to consistent exposure to her life’s work, radioactive elements.  Her earlier papers are said to be too radioactive to even handle, a predicament that came to fruition because of the unknown harmful consequences of radioactivity at the time.  Marie is, and still remains, the only woman to be entombed at the Pantheon in Paris solely based on her own merits.

Fact:  Undoubtedly a brilliant physicist and chemist, Marie is still painted as a tragic figure, ironically dying because of her life’s work.  Again, most scientific historians agree that the effects of radiation were unknown at the time, and therefore very lax safety measures were enacted.  This may be true for the majority of Curie’s scientific counterparts, but Marie was already well aware of radiations negative effects – as well as the positive effects.  She was a Pole.  And all Poles are born with an innate defense against radioactivity.  The centuries of the mismatching outfits, putting pink flamingos out on their lawns and a deep penchant for Casio watches, all provided a societal shield to all things gaudy.  And since radioactivity is the pinnacle of gaudiness, it seems only fitting that Dr. Curie would be the one to discover it.  In her diary she noted, “Radioactivity presents a large display of colors, iridescent glows, much akin to the glow of my bedazzled wedding dress I purchased at Sir Kryryryryryrryryrryrywwwwwski’s Palace of Hand-Me-Downs – it is truly a wondrous thing!”  Not only did Curie carry the Polish genetic trait that allowed one to deflect radioactivity, but she carried the lesser know trait that enabled a Pole to absorb the powers of radioactivity and unleash them upon an unsuspecting world.  She could reassemble a Casio calculator watch in seconds, could see the filling of a pierogi without slicing into it (unfortunately, her x-ray vision only applied to food items), and she could gain a massive ten pounds – large weight compared to her emaciated Polish countrymen – and smash men like they were stuffed cabbages.  This last power, characterized by a sudden gain in muscle, the shredding of her blouse and the morphing into a frightening, polka-dotted monster, changed the trajectory of history (much like the later Incredible Hulk, but much less sinister and cheaper and Polish in appearance).  Nevertheless, well into her forties, she was called upon during World War I to slay the menacing Kaiser Wilhelm II and end that atrocious war.  Curie thrashed her way into his bunker, and as a barrage of cabbage and the awful glow of pink polka dots blinded Wilhelm, Curie was able to plant one last pink flamingo into the skull of the Kaiser.  The Polish may not be known for the their fighting prowess, but it only took one feeble, old Pole, Marie Curie, to the end The Great War.