Myth: The Biblical Magi, more commonly referred to as the Three Kings or the Three Wise Men, were a trio of priests of the Zoroastrianism strain – a quasi-scientific religion in which stars were perceived as portents. Since the Bible, and Jesus’s life in particular, is ripe for wild speculation the actual historical accuracy of the actual event and who was involved is muddled. However, Western Christian tradition holds that the Magi – Melchior, Caspar and Balthasar – came from the Orient, following the glow of the Star of Bethlehem en route to the birthplace of a new king of kings, Jesus Christ. They bore gifts of frankincense, gold and myrrh as a tribute to an infant king, a king possibly capable of upending the current state of the world. Speculation aside, it can be well assumed that the event was a special occasion marked by extreme reverence. The Magi are said to have left Jesus’s birthplace and taken a different route so as to avoid the wrath of King Herod, who was in the process of implementing the mass murder of firstborn sons in order to avert the potential new king from taking his stead. After that, the Magi are not referred to again in the Bible, but rather shrouded in a greater mystery than the book itself. Though there is scant evidence, the Magi are still celebrated as an integral part of Christ’s birth through song, nativity scenes, and the like during Christmas and on the Epiphany.
Fact: Once again, I delve into the controversial world of biblical history, but not in vain. The Magi were indeed of flesh and blood, and as it was the first Christmas, the bar for gift giving was set very high. The Magi were running late because Caspar, who was obsessively concerned with his social status, thought it was necessary to stop and pick up a bottle of pinot noir. They had all agreed beforehand that gifts were out of the question because the newborn Jesus was an infant and had no need for material possessions. But the purchase of the red wine sparked a debate as to whether they should rethink their original decision: did Jesus deserve at least a mobile for the manger? Balthasar noted: “Once again, Caspar’s obsession with his status coupled with his anxiety made for last minute fuck-ups. ‘What if Joseph doesn’t like me? He’s going to be super protective of his wife guys…she’s a virgin. I think some wine will buffer that for a while, but there are no good pinots of Nazareth. Ewwww…a merlot! Yeah, I’m going to buy a Nazarene merlot.’ And this incessant crap continued until we decided to stop off at a strip bazaar.” A little peeved, both Balthasar and Melchior opted to stray from Caspar a bit and go into a Yankee Candle store at the other end of the Bazaar. Caspar made a beeline for the Baby Bjorn Boutique. Time was running thin, so Balthasar and Melchior each bought a 4 oz. candle – one frankincense and the other myrrh. “Who doesn’t like a candle,” Melchior stated in earlier musings. They arrived fashionably late, but just in time to witness the birth of Jesus. All three Magi went down on bended knee in reverence and presented their gifts. 4 oz. frankincense Yankee Candle. 4 oz. myrrh Yankee Candle. Yet as Caspar exhibited his gifts, a hush swept over the manger. In one hand was the moderately, yet still delightful pinot noir and the in the other was a solid gold toy lawnmower complete with golden balls that fly around inside a transparent sphere when pushed. Mary, later documenting the instance, noticed that both Balthasar and Melchior muttered “dick” simultaneously. And as we all know, baby Jesus was just as powerful as adult Jesus (it is a universally held truth). Incensed at the cheap and last-minute thought Balthasar and Melchior had put into their respective gifts, baby Jesus smote them on the spot and they fell dead to the ground.* Caspar, though relieved his gifts were acceptable, quickly left the Christmas party, citing prior obligations with his stepdaughters as an excuse. And so, the Magi were to be spoken of no more in the great tome that is the Bible.
*Baby Jesus was in reality extremely bratty and often used the “you’re not my real parents” argument to obtain what he wanted.
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