The Tribe Vs. The Titanic

Myth:  Its history and lore have been imagined and re-imagined – even inspiring one of the highest grossing movies of all time.  It is a stark reminder that all things are not impervious; that we all have weaknesses.  The RMS Titanic, the largest passenger steamship at the time, sunk in the early morning hours on April 15, 1912, after striking an iceberg four days into its voyage.  Owned by the esteemed White Star Line company, the Titanic was said to be unsinkable; a behemoth of a boat that set sail on her maiden voyage from Southampton, England, churning its way to her final destination of New York City.  Fate intervened, and of the original 2,223 passengers on board, 1,517 people (mostly men) perished in the icy waters of the North Atlantic.  It is one of the deadliest peacetime shipwrecks in the annals of history, and its name continues to be synonymous with disaster.

Fact:  The sinking of the Titanic was not accidental, rather it was a premeditated act of revenge – best served cold, icy cold.  First, one must accept the historical fact that the Titanic was not a pleasure ship as most assume.  There was no intermingling of classes, races and creeds on the famed ship.  Contrarily, the Titanic housed more than 2,000 souls of pure Aryan descent.  Secondly, one needs to look no further than the name of the Titanic’s mother company: White Star Line.  White Star Line – a none too subtle appellation – had stricken fear in all sailors, pleasure boaters, and even pirates, not of the glorious white race since its inception in 1876.  White Star Line had built the maritime arm of the ever-present white supremacist movement.  Finally, students of history may see a trend in the Line’s attacks on unsuspecting victims when analyzed closely.  The majority of seaborne attacks were obviously directed at the Lox fisherman, most of whom operated in the Jewish waters of the North Sea (where a mensch could pull out pure smoked lox by the dozens with his bare hands).  Another primary target were the Catholics, generally fishing for live communion hosts around the Tierra del Fuego – an arduous task as each host had to be shucked from the infamous thorny-crowned mussel.  This last group, forgotten as an enemy of the steamship company time and time again, was the mastermind behind the ingenious, and heroic, attack on the “Great White Shark.”  They were the humble people of Northern Canada – the Inuits (or Eskimos if you’re racist).  Oh, and did the white supremacist movement of the early 20^th century hate them ever so!  Hanz Alabaster of Whitecream, Prussia wrote a fiery rant regarding the Inuit people just prior to his boarding the Titanic: “I have slain the people of Israel, chewed the head off of the Popery, but by God, I have yet to harpoon myself a butterfly-kissing Eskimo.  It is an abomination that they make a profit from desecrating pure vanilla ice cream by dousing it in chocolate.  A despicable interracial marriage for the mere purpose of creating the bastard Klondike Bar.”  In the early morning hours on April 15, 1912, an Inuit fleet of some 2,000 kayaks waited anxiously, quietly as the hate-filled Titanic chugged forward.  Moments later, a barrage of Klondike Bars and seals (the Inuit were adept at hurling live seals) peppered the right side of the Titanic.  The combination of vanilla ice cream, milk chocolate, and seals slung at starboard created a gaping hole in the exposed side of the ocean liner.  The Titanic sank within minutes, as white bigots drowned in a brackish chocolate mixture.  What would you do for a Klondike Bar?  The Inuits would kill some proto-Nazis.