LOST

Myth:  On July 4^th, 1584, English explorers reached the shores of Roanoke Island with intended plan of constructing a permanent settlement in present-day Dare County, North Carolina.  Chartered by Queen Elizabeth I and expedited by Sir Walter Raleigh, the first set of seafarers met the exotic native tribes – the Secotans and Croatans – inhabiting the area, taking two Croatans back to England in order to better establish knowledge of and relations with the area.  The first settlement was anything but fruitful.  Colonists were unaware of their surroundings, oblivious to the necessary agricultural techniques that flourished in such a milieu, and even managed to pick a fight (resulting in the burning of a nearby indigenous village) with the local natives over a supposed stolen silver cup.  The colony was perpetually in need of supplies, still Raleigh financed yet another expedition in 1587, this time led by one John White, to bolster the already dwindling English population with another 150 colonists.  White, newly appointed governor of Virginia, was asked by his fellow colonists to return to England in order to explain the dire situation regarding tensions with natives and lack of supplies.  White left in late 1587 promising to return the next year, but because of setbacks caused by the demoralizing Anglo-Spanish War, White was unable to return until August of 1590 – an interminable three years later.  After landing White and his crew found the colony deserted, only coming across the inscription of the word Croatan carved into the side of the garrison.  Many theories abound as to the disappearance of the 115 colonists that remained when White originally left, ranging from slaughter by natives to starvation to drowning at sea.  It has been aptly deemed the “Lost Colony” ever since.

Fact:  This is an instance when history enters the dangerous realm of speculation – that is to say for most incompetent historians.  Recently discovered documents from Southern England, most likely an early form of newspaper, notes the return of six survivors from the ship Oceana (a DC-747 tall ship) in 1593.  The Oceana was still under the command of one John White.  Not much was written regarding the miraculous return of the six from the Lost Colony for one particular reason: the John White who helmed the original voyage in 1587 had passed away in 1891 (it must be emphasized that 80% of the English population in 1593 was named John White).  From 1400 to 1910, the John White Phenomenon generated massive confusion amid England’s historical events.  Simply put, no one seemed to care because thousands of others flocking to England had a connection with one John White or another.  But here’s where the pieces come together: there were two notable persons among the six survivors – a Dr. Matthew Foxxe (there were only two doctors present in England in 1893, as one had to not kill a patient in order to be considered a doctor) and a Mr. Hurley Sideburn (the famed 1584 winner of the Win a Lifetime Supply of Haggis Sweepstakes).  When researching the historical record all seems good and well until I came to the year 1895, as both of the survivors seemed to vanish into thin air, once again.  No death notices were present; no more haggis was being delivered to Mr. Sideburn’s countryside chateau; and surgical patients’ mortality rate was back to 100%.  Since the Roanoke colony was still a sore subject for those privy to the prior expeditions, not much of a fuss was made over Mr. Sideburn and Dr. Foxxe’s return trip to the island.  That’s right, a one-way boarding pass still exists with the names of our two phantoms regarding a trip aboard the Oceana to Roanoke Island (this time under the command of John White’s grandson, John White).  Why return to the place that almost took your life, the island that took the lives of 144 of your fellow countrymen?  This is where my authority as a historian runs dry and I dare not enter the perilous world of speculation.  But it must be stated that upon leaving Dr. Foxxe left behind a diary, which reported the following: “I am unclear as to my motives, but I do believe it is in the best interest of all.  Even if the great Croatan Smoke Monster rears its ugly head once more, or if the chief who doth not age and wears too much mascara attempts to kill our kind, we shall persevere.”

*I have only seen two episodes of this supposed great show entitled "Lost," but someone at ABC must have his/her PhD in Colonial American Studies.  I am not a fan.