Greek Olives

Myth:  A grossly outnumbered Athenian army defeated a massive Persian force at the Battle of Marathon in 490 B.C.  More interestingly, the modern concept of the marathon  – a grueling 26.2-mile foot race – directly stemmed from the news reaching the Athenians that their men had held the day.  Legend states that Pheidippides, a Greek runner and messenger, ran without stopping from Marathon to Athens to announce that the Athenians were victorious.  The approximately 25-mile run so exhausted Pheidippides that he collapsed and died shortly after proclaiming the good news.  Men such as Pheidippides were a unique species among men.  Greek messengers faced innumerable dangers, including passing through hostile territory, thus they had to exhibit great stamina and strength in order to fulfill their arduous duties.

Fact:  Pheidippides was not the most modest of men; one might even say he was a dick.  At a young age Pheidippides enjoyed the limelight as an esteemed Greek messenger, boasting some of the fastest times between Greek city-states.  But fate soon intervened and the indomitable Pheidippides was diagnosed with Olivepititis, or testicular cancer in modern English (a Greek man’s “olive pits” were of the utmost importance to his manhood).  Though Pheidippides was struck down by such a demoralizing affliction, he recovered over a period of several years, ultimately avowing that he would return to his status as a premier messenger.  His wife and family had suffered with him, but true to his nature, Pheidippides maintained his cocky and affected attitude – some accounts even attest that he surpassed his original narcissism after the cancer subsided.  Despite his boorish behavior, the masses still lauded the return of their champion messenger.  Pheidippides realized that his admirers could be exploited – severely so.  As pita bread was such a highly prized fixture of Athenian culture, Pheidippides decided to capitalize on his new identity by taking strips of Athenian gold (pita bread) and soaking it in saffron.  The result: a yellow band of wheat that could be tied around one’s wrist – homage to the returned “hero.”  Pheidippides made a fortune off this scheme.  He became so self-involved that he even divorced his loving wife who had supported him during his illness for a woman more akin to the goddess Hera (Fun Fact: Hera was actually a popular stripper name at the time, much like Misty is today).  Not long after he started courting the famous wooden piper, Sherylonos Cronus, he parted with her as well.  After his triumphant run from Marathon to Athens, Pheidippides’ luck ran out.  Though legend states that he died on that day, his death was merely metaphorical – the death of his integrity.  Other messengers began coming forward, informing the public that Pheidippides had been, ever since his first message, eating the hoof of a lamb.  And if you are versed in the classics, you are well aware that “lamb hoofing” was condemned as a performance-enhancing activity by the Athenian Sprinting Symposium, or ASS.  Pheidippides still owned the rights to the pita bands, but his reputation had been sullied.  He was nothing more than a dick above a single olive pit.