The Quince

Myth:  Born just 8 years prior to the outbreak of America’s war for independence and reared in a household rife with talk of liberty and doses of austerity, John Quincy Adams already had big shoes to fill as a mere toddler.  His father and the 2^nd president of the United States, John Adams was a man of simple tastes, but still was an erudite politician and celebrity framer of America and her ideology.  Unlike Adams’ other children, John Quincy was baptized into diplomacy at an early age, often accompanying his father on trips to Europe and elsewhere.  He endured harsh seas and seemingly endless voyages in this age of slow transit – uncomplaining all the while.  Quincy absorbed his father’s tactics as a consummate ambassador, even if both Adamses were more timid than their political counterparts.  Ever aware of the unspoken pressures of growing up in an American dynasty, John Quincy quickly climbed the bureaucratic ranks and was appointed ambassador to the Netherlands at the ripe age of 26.  In 1825 he became our 6^th president, leaving a trail of milestones like the Monroe Doctrine and the acquisition of Florida.

Fact:  John Quincy Adams, as only his parents called him, generally went by his better-known moniker: The Quince.  He had numerous others, including “Ocho Quince,” “John Queefer,” “An American in Piss,” “6^th Prez and 6 Deep,” and the terribly penned “Bald on Top, Party in the Back, Oh My Deist Lord He’s Putting Cocaine on Her Crack” (this last is attributed to the once witty, but now senile and wildly inappropriate Benjamin Franklin).  But, it was always The Quince since he entered Harvard in the mid-1780s.  Eager to distance himself from his father’s shuttered personality, John Quincy turned to another delinquent Adams: his uncle, Samuel Adams.  Sam, much to the chagrin of his “lame, fugly” brother, John, had been selling his beer-like product to the hormonal adolescents of Revolutionary Boston since the Tea Party scene flamed out.  A horrendous brewer, Sam used fermented chicken stock and mule urine as his main ingredients; but as the main supplier for Boston’s teenagers, Quince and the others clung to his uncle’s choice brew, Tar & Feather’d.  Quince often lamented in his diary about his father’s strict household rules and moral platitudes: “Jefferson does it for his kids, Rutledge for his, and of course Mr. Hancock.  God, Mr. Hancock is so cool – wish he were my father.  He even lets us touch his big-ass name.  Why am I forbade to drink at all?  Father could get a clue and become a cool parent and let us drink in the house.  I mean, we’re going to get hammered anyway, why not in the safety of our own homes.  That’s what cool parents do…like John!  He even lets us call him by his first name!”  The simultaneous move to a Harvard dorm and befriending of his seedy uncle unleashed a new, coke-riddled, binge-drinking John Quincy to the world.  On a particularly uninhibited Saturday night, Quincy outdrank the Russian ambassador’s son in a classic Russian drinking game of “Drink Vodka, No Die.”  Hours after the ambassador’s son had passed out, Quincy kept at it until he topped off the feat by kegstanding one of his uncle’s mules.  Dazed, he raised his fists in glory to the chant of “Quince! Quince!”  Short on funds after graduation and already annoyed by his drunken uncle’s Boston-style racist rants, John Quincy realized the irony of his situation.  In order to continue his party/socialite lifestyle he needed to enter into politics – the only line of work in which he had connections, connections that would prove to be vital.  While working as secretary of state and bangin’ the secretary [Adams Five!], Quince became increasingly frantic due to Spain’s incursion into Latin America, impeding Adams’ cocaine supplier.  The Quince’s desperate plea for a continuous supply for coke also turned out to be one of the defining moments of his political career: The Monroe Doctrine.  In short, “any attempt to colonize or encroach on either North America or South America will be treated as an act of aggression and treated as such.  My boy Lopez will take a whaler’s paddle to your kneecaps and wish you would’ve been born a pussy-footin’ Virginian because daddy ain’t gettin’ no snow.”  The last sentence was struck from the document at the behest of Monroe.  Two liver transplants and a deviated septum later, The Quince put down the beer bong in 1848 and passed away with a grand legacy of foreign service and no sense of smell.

Franklin, Filthy Franklin

Myth:  Benjamin Franklin, renowned Renaissance man and Founding Father of the United States of America, was known as something of a promiscuous statesman.  Though Franklin did indeed produce an illegitimate son, William, this stigma of unbounded sexuality is unwarranted.  Franklin, establishing a common-law marriage with Ms. Deborah Read in 1730, was true to the woman whose hand in marriage was summarily rejected by her widowed mother prior to their common-law marriage.  Furthermore, Franklin was forthright about his illegitimate son from the onset, bringing the child into his and Deborah’s home subsequently after the public acknowledgment.  Serving abroad as US minister to both France and Sweden, Franklin was a popular character among both men and women – he often kept up correspondence with various women, and though tinged with flirtation, it was generally intellectual in nature.  Franklin’s will explicitly stated that his grave simply read Benjamin and Deborah Franklin, a testament to his love for his wife and ardent belief in a virtuous life.

             

Fact:  Virtuous?  Franklin was the farthest thing from it.  Benjamin was a sex-craved deviant, only empowered further by his dashing good looks.  Before one jumps to any judgment regarding Franklin’s status as “Ye Olde Loin Liberator,” you must remember that standards for general attractiveness were much different in the 18^th century.  Hair and rippling delts were inferior to one’s longevity in a time defined by a shockingly low life expectancy.  Good health in old age was the era’s aphrodisiac.  Franklin’s debauchery started at an early age in Boston, penning less notable – and less staid – titles as Poor Richard’s Almanac of Boston Taverns and the Pussy Therein.  Paling in comparison to Franklin’s much more praiseworthy almanac, the first was nevertheless exhaustive in its research of some 350 taverns in colonial Boston and the relative ease of getting laid at said taverns.  As Franklin continued to climb the political ranks, other noteworthy statesmen of the day were in awe of Franklin’s sexual prowess; some were even outright jealous of the old man’s success in the bedroom.  Thomas Jefferson, totes hot by today’s standards, did not hold a candle to Franklin’s supremacy as a Casanova.  “He layeth down the French, the British, and even the pearls of the Orient, and I still sit idle, biding my time with the greatest vaginal deterrent to have ever lived, John Adams.  Goddamn John Adams.  Well, I still have Sally Hemmings, but that’s like paying for a prostitute – I feel no more nobler.”  Franklin’s notoriety as a playboy extended beyond the realm of the United States, as he was a welcome guest at all of Europe’s greatest galas.  Old Benjamin is said to have set the modern precedent of Halloween as the de facto “excuse to be slutty” day.  Paris in 1784 saw the first Bros and Scary Ho’s party, where women of the French elite showed a bit more ankle and wrist, donning prepackaged costumes such as Sexy Marie Antoinette or Sexy Homemaker.  Though a hedonist at heart, Franklin used his innate promiscuity for good.  He is attributed with single-handedly distracting British troops by disseminating a pamphlet detailing hot encounters with lonely British wives – a sure distraction for a British people known to engage in sexual activity at a mandatory distance of 40 yards.  Death and taxes were not the only two inevitabilities of Franklin’s life, but rather they were death, taxes and the entrancement of women by well-coifed side hair.

Blackbeard's Ironic Beard

Myth:  Edward Teach, more commonly and notoriously known as Blackbeard, is the archetype of the 17^th and 18^th century pirate who would roam the exponentially popular trade routes crossing through the Caribbean and coasts of the British colonies of North America.  Little is known about Blackbeard, but educated speculation points to a man possibly raised in a respectable, wealthy family; someone who could read and write; and one of many who capitalized on the increased shipping traffic of the West Indies following Queen Anne’s War in the early 18^th century.  Contrary to popular belief, most privateers-turned-pirates of this day in age were not necessarily of the fiendish sort most imagine them to be; rather, they were often pardoned by their respective governments from time to time and compelled to capture and loot enemy nations’ ships.  Nevertheless, Blackbeard was branded a criminal, as he often utilized means of intimidation rather than outright slaughter to subdue his victims.  After various operations outside wealthy port towns such as Charles Towne (Charleston), South Carolina, Teach settled around the coast of North Carolina.  Various colonial governors continued to express concern over the pirate’s continued escapades, and so it fell upon Lieutenant Robert Maynard’s shoulders to put an end to Teach’s career aboard his beloved Queen Anne’s Revenge.  Maynard’s men spotted Blackbeard and his men near Ocracoke Island on the evening of November 21^st, 1718.  The following morning a vicious battle ensued, resulting in the death and beheading of Edward Teach, soon to be mounted on Maynard’s sails both as a warning and a means to collect his bounty.

Fact:  Much more is known about Edward Teach than most historians admit, most likely due to the fact that Edward Teach is really not worth noting in the annals of history.  Born into an upper-middle class suburban Bristol, UK family and raised in a two-sloop garage type of home, Teach was your classic bored, suburban white boy.  Excelling in English and Comparative Literature, he finished Eton in 3 years and then opted to attend the newly founded Sarah Lawrence College to pursue English and Shakespearean Literature and Effects on Sustainability.  He also cited “a need to find my own path and unique identity in this conformist world” as reasons for matriculating to a British North American liberal arts college.  Concurrently, the age-old off-and on obsession with moustaches and beards began to hit its stride while Teach was at Sarah Lawrence.  And as history has consistently shown us, the moustache/beard obsession is often accompanied by infatuations with pirates, ninjas, gramophones and old-school bicycles (we currently reside during one of these asinine and tedious times, though historians agree that a decline is in progress).  And so it began.  Teach first grew mutton chops, and then graduated to a full-on thick, black, Arcadian Fire-worthy (think Arcade Fire but with fifes) beard while dissecting the possibility that Chaucer might be gay in his senior level English seminars.  Since Teach wasn’t that much of a fan of the Orient (Oh sure, he would laugh at a good ninja joke now and then out of respect), he opted for the pirate route.  After graduation, his beard thicker than ever, friends began to call him Blackbeard, an ironic nod to the matter-of-factness the nickname evoked.  Armed with a Comparative Lit degree, Teach quickly found work at a local coffee house near Wilmington, North Carolina – The Pirate’s Press.  Unaware that he was effectively becoming irrelevant to both British and colonial society, Blackbeard plummeted headfirst into a social abyss filled with “Arrrrghs” and eye patches.  He and his friends even went so far as to carry fake doubloons on their person, so whenever they’d encounter each other at the Pirate’s Press or a King James Jam Festival ironic hilarity would ensue.  The evening of November 21^st, 1718 was a fateful night for Teach.  Soon after leaving a DIY silk screen printing press workshop, Blackbeard – who was now lacking in depth perception due to the constant wearing of an eye patch combined with ill-walking skills due to a youth large blouse adorning his much larger frame – tripped over a fixed-gear clipper ship anchor right onto a Lieutenant Maynard’s holstered sword.  Blackbeard expired a few hours later.  A few friends tattooed his date of death and a beard onto their arms, but besides those few attempts of immortalization, Teach’s memory was lost to the world.

Galaxy Quest Galileo!

 

 

Myth:  Galileo Galilei, one of the most recognizable names attributed to the dawn of modern science.  While living during an age of both religious and scientific tumult, Galileo audaciously challenged the long-held beliefs of the Vatican, supported a Copernican heliocentric model (that is to say the sun existed at the center of our solar system) and risked death at the hands of the Roman Inquisition.  Galileo vastly improved the telescope during his lifetime – born in 1564 and dying in 1642 – and made momentous discoveries such as confirming the existence of the four largest moons of Jupiter.  Tireless analysis of sunspots and forays into the realm of physics, including the oft-debated concept of falling bodies, marked Galileo as a man of science.  Though to be a man of science during this age of papal dominance, was to be a marked man in a perilous sense.  Objections to his work came from both scientists and clergy alike, and in 1615 the Inquisition labeled him a heretic following a purported verbal attack on Pope Urban VIII.  Galileo was ordered to recant and sentenced to house arrest for the remainder of his life after being found "vehemently suspect of heresy.”  Though sentenced to house arrest, it was during this period of incarceration that Galileo wrote one of his most celebrated works – The Two New Sciences.  Galileo has earned such appellations as the “Father of Modern Science” for his contributions to astronomy, physics and philosophy, and he continues to embody the idea of a great mind and man ahead of his time.

Fact:  Galileo was a dweeb.  Notice that I do not give him the title of nerd, for that would insinuate that he did in fact contribute to the scientific community.  No, the supposed genius was more of a dweeb.  For historical purposes, let us further define dweeb: a person who ostensibly has a great mind, but unfortunately just appears to have the attributes of a genius (lack of social skills, scoliosis, eating boogers, obsession with Mr. Bean, terrible at all sports except running).  Galileo lived with his parents until the age of 34, a time during which he was infatuated with the cult Sci-Fi Commedia dell’Arte troupe Martians of Pisa!  Giuseppe Galilei, Galileo’s annoyed albeit concerned father, remarked, “He would spend days on end watching repeats [mind you, repeats during this day in age consisted of one going over a transcribed leaflet detailing previous performances] with just a can of Prego! lying on his bloated stomach.  It was difficult to watch as a father, but what really sent him out the door was the constant masturbation.  His mother just could not endure the thought of her son defiling himself and sinning 12 to 14 times a day.”  After being ousted from his house, Galileo had no job, no skills and only the ability to recite all 15 seasons of Christopher Columbus: Cyborg Slayer on which to rely.  Ultimately he found himself among the Lil’ Bambinos, a program founded by Pope Urban VIII to keep at-risk Italian youths off the streets.  He was by far the oldest individual in the club, and his fellow Bambinos incessantly teased him for his odd behavior and autistic tendencies.  He absolutely adored the movie Contact.  Galileo’s The Two New Sciences was no groundbreaking scientific text, but rather a tome consisting of the following lines scrawled over and over again: “Jodie Foster says, ‘Dad, do you think there's people on other planets?’  And her Dad says, ‘I don't know, Sparks. But I guess I'd say if it is just us... seems like an awful waste of space.’  I totally agree with that.  There’s gotta be aliens out there.  I know it.”  Without his beloved basement in which to fulfill his need for all things sci-fi, Galileo quickly plunged into deep depression.  Yet, he was smart enough to know that the Vatican, specifically Urban VIII, would not tolerate heretical remarks aimed at the church.  Thus, in an unprecedented display of boldness, Galileo submitted a text to the Vatican detailing his belief that Jesus was actually an evil twin of Jessur, the prince of Uranus.  The Church was quite ruthless during these turbulent times, but they were careful not to execute someone without formidable power or sway, so they resorted to another punishment in which to inflict upon the dweeb Galileo – house arrest in the basement of his parents’ abode.  

Oxford Man

Myth:  The University of Oxford, more commonly referred to as Oxford University, is one of the world’s most prestigious academic institutions, consistently ranking in the top 10 across several veritable publications.  Though the actual foundation date is unknown, there is record of teaching occurring in the year 1096, making this hallowed institution nearly a millennium old.  Students, both undergraduate and graduate, converge upon this sleepy cerebral town from myriad countries, displaying disparate financial backgrounds and tutorial interests.  One can study quantum mechanics to American history to medieval literature within the centuries-old halls that dot this English town’s landscape with their eerie gargoyles and imposing wooden doors.  Steeped in tradition and excellence, Oxonians still take examinations wearing traditional academic garb (it was mandatory that students where academic gowns at all times up until the 1960s) and can walk the same pristine grounds as 26 prime ministers, 12 saints, 47 Nobel Prize winners, Sir Walter Raleigh, Stephen Hawking, Oscar Wilde, Aldous Huxley, Edwin Hubble, Samuel Johnson, J.R.R Tolkien, along with other notable alumni.  An ever-demanding institution, Oxford continues to push the boundaries of research and produce some of the world’s most prominent leaders, thinkers and innovators.

Fact:  Oxford University was actually founded in the year 1000, ninety-six years before the estimated date of establishment.  Ironically, the year 1000 was the infamous Year of the Waspy Douchenozzle in Chinese culture, only to later be replaced by the Year of the Ox during the next cycle.  Medieval manuscripts point to a well-known knight, belonging to the Order of the British Face (a fearsome group of warriors with equally fearsome British faces), as founder of the university: Malcolm Turtlepenis of Wuxley, better known among his comrades as Malcolm in the Middle due to his tendency to shield himself among others during battle and his habit of telling tired-out jokes about marriage.  Turtlepenis came from a long line of wealthy noblemen, but his courage was non-existent, thus often shaming the family name and Wuxley.  Malcolm did not want to lose his right to his estates as first-born son of Hedleywinthashley Turtlepenis, so he utilized his innate cunning to save face – or at least British face.*   A scholar was not one to fight because of his lack of athleticism and Asperger-esque proclivities, and Malcolm had the monetary means to establish his own house of learning – a place he could namedrop so others knew he didn’t have to live the life of a warrior, or even work at all for that matter.  So in the year 1000 A.D., Turtlepenis left the Order and claimed a deed to land northeast of London where oxen were common and rivers were numerous.  Indulging his false sense of wit, he executed a classic British tradition and entitled the budding college Oxford, thereby setting off a polite stream of chuckles.  Tea followed.  The original charter for admission to Oxford mandated only the following:  Item I - A man entering Oxford must enjoy Monty Python and only Monty Python, and when in the presence of other Oxonians must make reference to a Monty Python bit, everything else is below an Oxford Man; Item II – When asked where one goes to college, an Oxford man will simply reply “in England” and field the inevitable further questions with equally vague answers until said student arrives at the answer of Oxford, thus feigning humility; Item III – Must be able to run awkwardly, though if one’s gait is athletically acceptable, he may yet be admitted if he reaches the trust fund threshold, wears driving shoes, and exhibits the proper shaggy hair as to say “yeah, I’m rich, who the fuck cares.”; Item IV – Wear a large pinky ring.  Those were the four items to which Oxford men had to abide.  And so began the “education as status” phenomenon that spawned the likes of Harvard, Cambridge, Yale, Booth School of Business** and Cornell.  If you accepted the last school as fact, you just failed the infamous Dewey Inquiry into College Caste Systems, better known as DICCS.

*Sadly, British Face is now a verified genetic disorder with no known cure

**Booth School of Business at University of Chicago is only recognized in the finance and corporate sectors because it’s only fucking business school.  It’s like a masters degree in Frat Studies and Psychopathic Methods (apologies to my current boss and  brother-in-law).

Prince Albert in a Can

Myth:  Prince Albert, of the house of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, was the husband and first cousin of the longest reigning queen in British History, Queen Victoria.  Initially disheartened by the status of Prince Consort, meaning Victoria held true power as the monarch of Great Britain and Ireland and Albert was merely “the husband,” Albert overcame his sense of inferiority and initiated some of the most progressive reforms in the kingdom to date.  An advocate of educational reform, Albert also conformed to his status as Prince Consort and oversaw Victoria’s estates, household and office duties.  Moreover, Albert was a strong proponent of the worldwide abolition of slavery, but his zeal for such a cause would be short-lived as he expired at the age of 42 in December of 1861 after a battle with intestinal problems.  His doting wife, the Queen, lived the rest of her life, ultimately dying in 1901, in a perpetual state of mourning and donning the traditional black of a widow until her dying day.  Much beloved by the people of Britain, Prince Albert surmounted the emasculating nature of his role as husband to the Queen in such a patriarchal age, and gained admiration through his numerous benevolent social projects.

Fact:  When one thinks of Prince Albert, the first thing to come to the layman’s mind is not the progressive Prince Consort, but rather a genital piercing – a hoop jutting out of a man’s urethra.  Though no official connection has been made between the historical figure and the piercing, this does not mean the connection is nonexistent – on the contrary, far from it.  As stated before, Prince Albert was initially uncomfortable in his womanly position as aide to his wife, or to take a term from that day in age, he was Hoed before Broed.  Consistently battling this subservience, Albert took action into his own hands: Using a horseshoe from the royal stables and an arrow from the armory, Albert penetrated his urethra with the arrow and then quickly inserted the horseshoe into the gaping hole.  The always-trustworthy royal blacksmith, Dragon Tat as he was called, bonded the two ends of the horseshoe in order to create a closed circle, or hoop.  Victoria was despondent at first, horrified by her husband’s self-mutilation, but two aspects of the new “piercing” would change her mind: 1) Sexual pleasure (something of the utmost importance since the average Victorian couple copulated about once every two years), and 2) Control over her defiant, emasculated husband.  Albert did indeed wish to please his wife and fill the role of Prince Consort, but if he were to ever Broeth-it-up more than necessary, Victoria merely had to tug on his horseshoe and Albert would become as docile as a lamb.  Although the method did eventually work, Albert was in a constant state of dismay during the first few trying years.  He would often run away sobbing and lock himself in the estate’s prison, commonly referred to as The Can at the time.  As Dragon Tat noted in his flesh diary, “Albert would be in The Can for days on end.  Others would inquire about his absence, so I would dutifully respond that he was in The Can.  ‘Well, you had better let him out,’ they would always say.  But they didn’t know Albert as I did, and it took some time to coax him out of The Can.”  Albert eventually accepted his fate by way of the horseshoe device and never returned to The Can, but he met an untimely fate at the young age of 42, ironically dying of intestinal issues in a place that would later be referred to as The Can in years to come.  

John Grishman, Meet Gandhi

Myth:  Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, better known as Mahatma – meaning “Great Soul” – Gandhi, is synonymous with non-violent protest and civil disobedience.  A key player during India’s oft-violent march toward freedom and independence from Great Britain, Gandhi advocated a spartan lifestyle, fasting occasionally as a way of cleansing his soul and expressing political disapproval.  Born into a relatively affluent family in 1869, Gandhi traveled to London in order to study law at University College London.  He attempted to assimilate to British culture, but was instead drawn back to his native Hindu culture.  Shortly after graduation, Gandhi excelled as a civil rights lawyer in South Africa, later deemed a national treasure after his instrumental role in the forwarding of black equality.  In later years, Gandhi focused on his native India, adhering to a strict pacifist ideology and utilizing truth as his greatest weapon.  He even went as far as to spin his own clothes and don the traditional dhoti as a means of expressing solidarity with his fellow, subjugated Indians.  In the wake of such events as the Dandi Salt March in 1930 and numerous imprisonments, Britain eventually bowed to Indian demand and bestowed independence upon the nation in 1947.  Though much of India was exuberant, Gandhi continued to fight for total egalitarianism since much of the Muslim population of India was still under great oppression.  On January 38^th, 1948, a Hindu nationalist gunned down Gandhi as he walked toward a podium to give an opening prayer.

Fact:  Gandhi was your typical caricature of a modern day lawyer: greedy, conniving and a classic megalomaniac.  It all started at University College London, where he founded the smug and arty Indian Apparel Club (later purchased after his death and renamed American Apparel).  The club was a way to cash in on his Indian ethnicity by creating cheap “Indian-style” clothing and charging exorbitant amounts of money for the goods.  The liberal campus ate it up.  A more conservative student simply looked like a dick for not supporting the “Aid India Fund” to which much of money was ostensibly going toward, though records indicate that Gandhi pocketed the majority.  He had found his niche: capitalize on his apparent downtrodden Indian identity as a means of garnering sympathy – and money.  Tensions between colonial India and the British Empire continued to escalate during the early 20^th century: it was the prime atmosphere for corruption.  First, Gandhi had to fully transform himself into the martyr he wished to convey, and that meant strict vegetarian restrictions and clothing that looked like a gigantic diaper.  Gandhi’s diary relates his dissatisfaction with such a lifestyle: “I look like a malnourished baby.  89 pounds today.  I hate this fucking supposed food.  What I wouldn’t do for some beef stroganoff.  But the time is nigh, so my thought must be elsewhere.”  The time was indeed ripe for Gandhi to enact his grandest of plans.  He did advocate the policies of civil disobedience, but he had ulterior motives for such a bold approach.  He had intensely studied aggravated assault, personal injury and the money that could be made from such cases.  Gandhi waited for India to gain independence and then, and only then, would he produce the evidence of over two decades of abuse by British authorities.  Part of the reason why he adhered to such strict dietary laws and modest clothing was to better the appearance of bruises and the bloodstained cloth of his numerous dhotis.  We all know vegetarians bruise like peaches.  In order to incite British guards and soldiers to attack, Gandhi utilized classic taunting – it was as simple as that.  One British soldiers remembers one such verbal onslaught in 1939:  “He said, ‘Hey, white boy.  Yeah you, white boy.  Got some fucked up teeth there, son.  Where’d you go to university?  Ohhhhh, that’s right, you didn’t you stupid piece of shit.  Ah, I’m just kidding.  But seriously, I did have sex with your mother.’  I couldn’t take it anymore, so I beat him ruthlessly.”  After Gandhi’s death, Indian officials found some 2,000 case files on British soldiers, complete with photographs of his subsequent bruises from their attacks.  Gandhi was never able to execute his plan fully, as he got greedy and continued taunting.  His assassinator was no Indian by the by, but a rather husky British soldier whom Gandhi had called an “albino somosa.”