John Grishman, Meet Gandhi

Myth:  Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, better known as Mahatma – meaning “Great Soul” – Gandhi, is synonymous with non-violent protest and civil disobedience.  A key player during India’s oft-violent march toward freedom and independence from Great Britain, Gandhi advocated a spartan lifestyle, fasting occasionally as a way of cleansing his soul and expressing political disapproval.  Born into a relatively affluent family in 1869, Gandhi traveled to London in order to study law at University College London.  He attempted to assimilate to British culture, but was instead drawn back to his native Hindu culture.  Shortly after graduation, Gandhi excelled as a civil rights lawyer in South Africa, later deemed a national treasure after his instrumental role in the forwarding of black equality.  In later years, Gandhi focused on his native India, adhering to a strict pacifist ideology and utilizing truth as his greatest weapon.  He even went as far as to spin his own clothes and don the traditional dhoti as a means of expressing solidarity with his fellow, subjugated Indians.  In the wake of such events as the Dandi Salt March in 1930 and numerous imprisonments, Britain eventually bowed to Indian demand and bestowed independence upon the nation in 1947.  Though much of India was exuberant, Gandhi continued to fight for total egalitarianism since much of the Muslim population of India was still under great oppression.  On January 38^th, 1948, a Hindu nationalist gunned down Gandhi as he walked toward a podium to give an opening prayer.

Fact:  Gandhi was your typical caricature of a modern day lawyer: greedy, conniving and a classic megalomaniac.  It all started at University College London, where he founded the smug and arty Indian Apparel Club (later purchased after his death and renamed American Apparel).  The club was a way to cash in on his Indian ethnicity by creating cheap “Indian-style” clothing and charging exorbitant amounts of money for the goods.  The liberal campus ate it up.  A more conservative student simply looked like a dick for not supporting the “Aid India Fund” to which much of money was ostensibly going toward, though records indicate that Gandhi pocketed the majority.  He had found his niche: capitalize on his apparent downtrodden Indian identity as a means of garnering sympathy – and money.  Tensions between colonial India and the British Empire continued to escalate during the early 20^th century: it was the prime atmosphere for corruption.  First, Gandhi had to fully transform himself into the martyr he wished to convey, and that meant strict vegetarian restrictions and clothing that looked like a gigantic diaper.  Gandhi’s diary relates his dissatisfaction with such a lifestyle: “I look like a malnourished baby.  89 pounds today.  I hate this fucking supposed food.  What I wouldn’t do for some beef stroganoff.  But the time is nigh, so my thought must be elsewhere.”  The time was indeed ripe for Gandhi to enact his grandest of plans.  He did advocate the policies of civil disobedience, but he had ulterior motives for such a bold approach.  He had intensely studied aggravated assault, personal injury and the money that could be made from such cases.  Gandhi waited for India to gain independence and then, and only then, would he produce the evidence of over two decades of abuse by British authorities.  Part of the reason why he adhered to such strict dietary laws and modest clothing was to better the appearance of bruises and the bloodstained cloth of his numerous dhotis.  We all know vegetarians bruise like peaches.  In order to incite British guards and soldiers to attack, Gandhi utilized classic taunting – it was as simple as that.  One British soldiers remembers one such verbal onslaught in 1939:  “He said, ‘Hey, white boy.  Yeah you, white boy.  Got some fucked up teeth there, son.  Where’d you go to university?  Ohhhhh, that’s right, you didn’t you stupid piece of shit.  Ah, I’m just kidding.  But seriously, I did have sex with your mother.’  I couldn’t take it anymore, so I beat him ruthlessly.”  After Gandhi’s death, Indian officials found some 2,000 case files on British soldiers, complete with photographs of his subsequent bruises from their attacks.  Gandhi was never able to execute his plan fully, as he got greedy and continued taunting.  His assassinator was no Indian by the by, but a rather husky British soldier whom Gandhi had called an “albino somosa.”

All Men Are Created Equal...

Myth: John Brown, the fanatical abolitionist, first gained notoriety during the Bleeding Kansas crisis during the 1850s, in which proslavery and abolitionist factions vied for supremacy in the Kansas Territory.  Both sides knew what hung in the balance: Would Kansas enter the Union as a free state or slave state?  Most abolitionists advocated a pacifist approach when dealing with their proslavery counterparts, employing politics and diplomacy as their axes and swords.  John Brown on the other hand vehemently disagreed with this tactic.  He and a band of like-minded zealots skirmished with equally violent proslavery Border Ruffians, resulting in the death of many over a period of time.  Brown’s anger and frustration were eventually channeled into a plan to attack the US arsenal at Harpers Ferry, Virginia.  With the consent of such political and social figures as Frederick Douglass and Harriet Tubman, Brown concocted a scheme to lead an armed insurrection led by slaves themselves.  After a mere 36 hours, the plan backfired on October 18^th 1859.  Seven were killed at the hands of Brown and his comrades, sending a shockwave of fear throughout Dixie.  Brown was executed by hanging a few months later in the December cold.

Fact:  John Brown was a man ahead of his time – a true progressive.  Abolitionists were a dime a dozen, and though it may seem like Brown was an ardent abolitionist, he most certainly was not.  No, no.  Brown was one of America’s first gay rights activists, petitioning more than a century before the first large-scale gay rights demonstrations even transpired.  His status as abolitionist is a combination of his colorblindness and the antislavery movement exploiting Brown’s affliction to further their agenda.  Brown did not see race, but he did see shirtless men.  Victorian dress was anything but freeing.  A Connecticut man by birth, Brown interacted with only a few homosexuals during his former years.  As homosexuality was not even spoken of during this sexually restrictive period of time, certain signs were flashed within the gay community to let one know they too were of their ilk.  A man revealing his bare ankle was the most common.  Brown became increasingly stifled during his New England rearing, and he yearned to flee to that bastion of the gay community – the Deep South.  Paradoxically, the same states that locked African-American men in shackles were also the most sexually liberal areas in the world.  Brown had most likely heard of such havens as the majestic Cotton Club of Charleston, South Carolina, wherein gay men could dance amidst large, billowing bales of cotton (a precursor to the foam parties of the 20^th century).  His naivety was later shattered as he laid eyes upon hoards of shirtless men, lashed by, what appeared to be, fully clothed homophobes.  Where was this bastion he had heard so much about?  Brown’s colorless world became even drabber, as the same people who were once so accepting of homosexuality chastised his brethren.  That bastion did exist, he just, literally, couldn’t see it.  Enraged, Brown turned violent.  Men such as Frederick Douglass utilized his rage to the abolitionist’s advantage.  “I don’t care much for Brown’s alternative lifestyle choices, but during this tumultuous time, we must fight fire with fire and rid the South of its peculiar institution.  And if man-love be vanquished as well, so be it…all the better.”  Douglass, the fervent abolitionist and closet homophobe, played puppet master and pulled the strings on Brown’s hardened heart.  Thinking he was arming the largest gay army ever assembled, Brown failed and was executed by a racist South and homophobic North, soon to be torn apart.

There Will Be Blood

Myth:  Bloodletting, the medical practice of withdrawing small amounts of blood in order to ostensibly cure or relieve patients’ suffering from anything from tuberculosis to the common cold, had been practiced throughout the millennia.  Utilized by the likes of the Mesopotamians to the Medieval Europeans to 19^th century Americans, it was not until quite recently that bloodletting was believed to have an adverse effect on the majority of cases throughout the annals of history.  Prior to his death in 1799, George Washington asked to be bled heavily after contracting a severe throat infection, losing some four pounds of blood before expiring soon after.  Galen of Rome, famed physician and student of the methods of Hippocrates, popularized the technique in Ancient Greece and Rome, insisting that it provided the same benefits as menstruation among women – that is the systematic release of toxins found in “used-up blood.”  The more severe the illness, the more blood the physician would withdraw.  It seems absolutely ludicrous to our modern day sensibilities, but even as anatomical knowledge exponentially increased most cures still eluded physicians and so bloodletting was, simply put, better than doing nothing.

Fact:  Contrary to modern medicine and the so-called fact that bloodletting did more harm than good, bloodletting actually saved the majority of patients on whom it was practiced.  Firstly, Galen was no pioneering physician more than a man who desperately wished to menstruate.  “I am a woman trapped in the shell of a man,” Galen wrote to his subsequently outraged father in 166 A.D.  “Mother does nothing but weep, and I have been disowned by mine own father – it is now in my hands to come into happiness.”  Galen would often wear women’s undergarments and make a small incision near the hip so as to create the illusion of menstruation.  One of Galen’s friends, who was totally cool with his life choice, was still saddened by Galen’s inability to be a woman:  “Two things: Galen doesn’t comprehend the fact that he can’t menstruate every single day – that and the fact he is Greek, so the hair thing doesn’t help.  But, having seen his happiness, many physicians began to believe that bloodletting might have positive psychological, as well as physiological, effects on their patients.  Secondly, bloodletting is well documented as having near miraculous outcomes on patients.  Most notably, a private fighting for the Union during the American Civil War at Antietam lost all his limbs --- and his head.  Believing him to be dead, his comrades dropped him off at the surgeon’s tent to later be buried, but an optimistic doctor asked for the private to be put on the operating table.  After a few arguments with his assistants about the loss of the soldier’s head, the exasperated assistants yielded and put the body on the table.  The doctor announced he would be letting some more blood from his severed head.  One of his assistant’s later remarked, “What happened next was beyond my comprehension.  Of course I’m well aware that the more severe the wound, the more blood should be let – like obviously.  But I had no idea that after a few minutes of heavy letting the soldier would bound away with great enthusiasm, grab his rifle and kill some fifty-odd Rebs that day.”  Lastly, I take the example of George Washington’s bloodletting prior to his death as a completely muddied case of history.  Just as the aforementioned soldier became reinvigorated after heavy bloodletting, as did Washington become reinvigorated after losing some four pounds of blood.  Washington even went so far as to sardonically use his blood as a mixture for some fine sausages.  Rather it was John Hancock and his damn belief that a baby aspirin a day can reduce the risk of heart attack.  Hancock, recently hired as a pharmaceutical rep due to his grandiose handwriting and cocky disposition, coaxed Washington into the daily regimen.  Washington had an allergic reaction the next day and perished.  Thus, in instances such as Washington’s, bloodletting was tagged as the reason for his death.

Live at Little Bighorn!

Myth:  The Battle of Little Big Horn, famously referred to as Custer’s Last Stand, was one of the great conflicts that characterized an era rife with Indian Wars – America’s forceful drive into the last frontier and the realization of Manifest Destiny.  Though with regard to The Battle of Little Big Horn, it underscored the native Indian’s hope to valiantly hold on to their way of life and their willingness to fight to the death.  The battle was one of the great last breaths of staving off the encroaching white frontier, as Cheyenne and Lakota chiefs such as Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull overwhelmed Custer’s U.S. force of about 700 men.  Due to faulty intelligence and Custer’s vainglorious temperament, the US Army unknowingly bit off more than it could chew, as about 1,000 plus Cheyenne, Lakota and Arapaho Indians engaged Custer’s cavalry on June 25 and 26 in Montana territory in the year 1876.  About half of Custer’s troops were slain, while only a fraction of that fell to their death among the Indian contingent.  It was a severe blow to the US Army in their war to bridge east and west America, and more importantly, subdue their native foes.  Though it would not be long after such a great loss that all Indians would be subjugated to the whims of the American government, Custer’s doomed battle still lives in the imagination of many – an exotic world where men were driven by pure bloodlust, glory, and on the Indian’s behalf, the avoidance of extinction and loss of culture.

Fact:  There is much conjecture surrounding the death of George Armstrong Custer, since myriad varying accounts exist as to the timing and circumstances of his death.  To an amateur historian, these frivolities may seem important, but not to me.  Much speculation surrounds Custer’s death because he did, in fact, “die” on at least seven occasions.  Moreover, all participants in The Battle of Little Big Horn, both Indian and American, died on more than one occasion.  Going even further, this anomaly defined the Indian wars all the way back to the 1830s and continued into the early 20^th century before the Wild West became nothing more than legend.  This phenomenon is better known as the “John Wayne Death,” or “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Flying Mattress Death.”  Both the Indian and American participants were keenly aware that the majority of these battles would never be seen by their contemporaries, so only the most flamboyant deaths would suffice in battle.  Battles, in their general sense, didn’t actually even take place.  It was more of a back and forth between Indians and US troops as to whom could perform the most ridiculous death, and then relay that information to a fascinated public.  These were America’s proto-screen actors and proto-stunt doubles.  And Custer was the ham of the group.  One Lieutenant Leroy “Unforgiven” Rogers, detailed the process in his man diary: “We would meet on a pitched field of battle, shake hands, teamsters would bring out brunch, and then we’d get to work.  Privates and lower-status warriors generally went first and were only given one chance to perform their glorious death.  Most were hacks that would use the clichéd ‘shot in the gut, walk fifty paces and then fall on your back technique.’  How exhausting.  Officers on the other hand, had seen a few Indie or Art House battles, so they were a bit more creative.  Given a chest protector, they often had a few chances to set up their technique before being killed.  I myself am going with an arrow to the chest (which will be ripped out), several arrows to the buttocks – I’m a glutton for slapstick – and then a backflip off of a buffalo into a nearby creek.”  Custer outdid himself at Little Bighorn.  Depending on the acting chops of Crazy Horse, George took a few practice runs, before executing the perfect Western battle death.  Three bullets were fired in his direction, but right before hitting him, he utilized a hidden diving board to perform a double corkscrew flip onto the back of his horse, rode directly toward Crazy Horse and few extras with guns a-blazing.  Crazy Horse, as instructed, then jumped onto Custer’s horse, whereby each shot at each other from opposite sides of the horse.  Crazy Horse would “realize” that a huge canyon was approaching, dismount and perform a classic theater tumble.  Custer looked ahead at the canyon and sighed in resignation, but before plummeting to his death, he glanced back at Crazy Horse, giving him a wink and quick salute.  Snuff “film” was born, which would give way to the more acceptable Western film.

Achilles Heel

Myth:  Handed down over the centuries, mostly through oral tradition, though immortalized in such epics as The Iliad and The Odyssey, the Trojan War remains one of the greatest military stories of the millennia.  The reality of the event has been in contention for centuries, but in recent years archaeologists and historians have unearthed evidence of the remains of a stronghold in modern-day Turkey – believed to be the location of ancient Troy (or Ilium).  Some historians do believe a battle between the ancient Achaeans (Greeks) and Trojans did indeed occur, but to a much less fantastical degree than the likes of Homer suggest.  Authenticity aside, accounts of the ten-year campaign that was the Trojan War shed light on the absolute importance of glory, saving face, triumph and loyalty during the 12^th and 11^th centuries BC that trickled down to the height of Greek civilization some centuries later.  A story of mortal versus mortal, god versus god and the utter grasp of fate, the Trojan War lore continues to hold the imagination of our post-modern, skeptical society in which we live today.

Fact:  The Trojan War as an unparalleled work of verse by a school of poets, most notably attributed to Homer, is indeed a captivating, violent and lascivious legend.  But one must read between the lines in order to gain the ulterior motives by the author: pre-evangelicalism.  That’s right, Homer and his cronies, were nothing more than the prototypes of the likes of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson.  The present-day epic that is The Twilight Saga is on par with accounts of the Trojan War and The Iliad – neither tween nor serious scholar would disagree with that – and it shares a few commonalities: fantastic authorship and an underlying theme of abstinence.  The Iliad constantly, even incessantly, depicts the battling warriors as sweaty, muscled, barely-clothed, attractive specimens of God – or the gods in The Iliad’s case.  Contemporary accounts inform us that acceptable clothing was indeed available, but these men were lusty and thirsting for blood – or penis, depending on how you interpret the tome.  Swords were plentiful, but if one reads the account once more, he will pick up a much larger theme: the spear was the weapon of choice.  You have Achilles, Hector, the two Ajaxes (incestuous lovers), Agamemnon, Paris, etc., “spearing” all over the place.  The prior nine years (or nine months if historical accuracy is taken into account) that The Iliad fails to mention in length is due to the fact that everyone was pregnant.*  And amid all this debauchery, the gods were always watching and judging.  So much sex and wrongdoing was bound to incur the wrath of the gods, especially Zeus, the fundamental Pentecostal among the gods.  The moral of the story: everyone dies because of his sexual transgressions.  Homer wrote The Iliad as a means to both enthrall and indoctrinate the impressionable young Greek youth.  Fight fully-clothed and without spear and you will earn the gratitude of the gods, but stray like “comely” Achilles, take your shirt off, grease up and spiral into a spearing frenzy and you shall incur the wrath of the gods.  Read The Twilight Saga and The Iliad back-to-back and you will be in awe of the similarities and common message of abstinence and restraint in the face of shirtless men.

*  Prior to the 5^th century BC, all men were capable of becoming pregnant.  Historians refer to this as the “Junior Period” – a nod to the blockbuster hit Junior, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Death by Dresser

Myth:  A man of many trades – a farmer, land speculator, writer, politician – Ethan Allen is best remembered as a patriot during the American Revolution.  Born in the colony of Connecticut, Allen would later lead a frontier life and become an integral part in the formation of the state of Vermont.  Due to several legal complications regarding land grants and the incursion of the colony of New York, Allen formed the Green Mountain Boys, a ragtag militia consisting of family members and locals.  As fate would have it, the Boys and Allen’s original intention of intimidation turned into a full-on assault against the British as tensions rose between the colonies and the British.  Sensing war was imminent, Allen and Boys captured Fort Ticonderoga located in present-day upstate New York in May of 1775.  Utilizing his momentum, Allen pushed forward and attempted to seize Montreal.  It failed.  Allen was captured by British authorities and wasn’t released until 1778 during a prisoner swap.  Immediately after his release, Allen rejoined his Boys in the fight for independence as a major general – not to mention a colonel in the Continental Army.  Ethan Allen was an extraordinary everyman, the embodiment of the American frontier mentality so crucial to the United States’ autonomy.

Fact:  When one mentions Ethan Allen, most laymen think of the delightful, albeit expensive, furniture company.  Most historians grimace at the thought of associating a hardscrabble American patriot with the living room of a junior vice president at a Fortune 500 company.  This connection, however, is by no means demeaning – quite the contrary.  Allen derived his military prowess from all things furniture-related.  As is custom today in Vermont, so was Allen’s proto-Vermont vehemently against the chopping down of Mother Earth’s trees.  Instead, Vermont took the high road and implemented the use of African slaves as pieces of furniture rather than obliterating God’s forests (fun fact: slavery was still legal in the territory, idiots).  Though due to the lack of black people in Vermont, as is still the problem today, white men often took turns “being” the coffee table.  And since Allen often entertained political acquaintances, it was his duty as host to provide his guests with comfortable seating by way his of brawny Vermont loins.  As the cloud of war hovered over the colonies, many colonists sympathetic to the cause were still wary to fight due to the British’s overwhelming numbers.  Guerilla warfare was often thrown out as a possibility, but many New Englanders rejected the idea as unmanly.  Allen proposed an idea that would allow the rebels to garner precious intel without sacrificing their already scarce numbers: pose as furniture in British headquarters, barracks, etc.  Allen had the training, now he had to only “side table” his way to victory.  A list of his five most daring and impressive intelligence missions is as follows: 1) Spent 12 hours as an ottoman at the home of British loyalist James Q. Cornworthy, 2) Lampshade, 3 hours, in a poorly lit British barracks in upstate New York, 3) Armoire at the governor’s mansion in Massachusetts (arm was ingeniously disguised as a corset), 4) Fireplace at Fort Ticonderoga (lasted about 5 seconds until he was set on fire, whereby he deemed it necessary to just take the fort), 5) 86 hours as a grandfather clock in General Cornwallis’ New York headquarters (completed 86 consecutive chimes complete with Beatles’ White Album soundtrack).  Allen was finally captured after sneezing while posing as a chaise lounge in Montreal.  In 1788, he was inadvertently released while pretending to be a manure crate aboard a British warship.  His intelligence proved beneficial; the rebels were able to avert British assaults with Allen’s sensitive information.  After the war, Allen never completely recovered from a soldier’s life, often falling asleep as his own bed.

We Three Kings

Myth:  The Biblical Magi, more commonly referred to as the Three Kings or the Three Wise Men, were a trio of priests of the Zoroastrianism strain – a quasi-scientific religion in which stars were perceived as portents.  Since the Bible, and Jesus’s life in particular, is ripe for wild speculation the actual historical accuracy of the actual event and who was involved is muddled.  However, Western Christian tradition holds that the Magi – Melchior, Caspar and Balthasar – came from the Orient, following the glow of the Star of Bethlehem en route to the birthplace of a new king of kings, Jesus Christ.  They bore gifts of frankincense, gold and myrrh as a tribute to an infant king, a king possibly capable of upending the current state of the world.  Speculation aside, it can be well assumed that the event was a special occasion marked by extreme reverence.  The Magi are said to have left Jesus’s birthplace and taken a different route so as to avoid the wrath of King Herod, who was in the process of implementing the mass murder of firstborn sons in order to avert the potential new king from taking his stead.  After that, the Magi are not referred to again in the Bible, but rather shrouded in a greater mystery than the book itself.  Though there is scant evidence, the Magi are still celebrated as an integral part of Christ’s birth through song, nativity scenes, and the like during Christmas and on the Epiphany.

Fact:  Once again, I delve into the controversial world of biblical history, but not in vain.  The Magi were indeed of flesh and blood, and as it was the first Christmas, the bar for gift giving was set very high.  The Magi were running late because Caspar, who was obsessively concerned with his social status, thought it was necessary to stop and pick up a bottle of pinot noir.  They had all agreed beforehand that gifts were out of the question because the newborn Jesus was an infant and had no need for material possessions.  But the purchase of the red wine sparked a debate as to whether they should rethink their original decision: did Jesus deserve at least a mobile for the manger?  Balthasar noted: “Once again, Caspar’s obsession with his status coupled with his anxiety made for last minute fuck-ups.  ‘What if Joseph doesn’t like me?  He’s going to be super protective of his wife guys…she’s a virgin.  I think some wine will buffer that for a while, but there are no good pinots of Nazareth.  Ewwww…a merlot!  Yeah, I’m going to buy a Nazarene merlot.’  And this incessant crap continued until we decided to stop off at a strip bazaar.”  A little peeved, both Balthasar and Melchior opted to stray from Caspar a bit and go into a Yankee Candle store at the other end of the Bazaar.  Caspar made a beeline for the Baby Bjorn Boutique.  Time was running thin, so Balthasar and Melchior each bought a 4 oz. candle – one frankincense and the other myrrh.  “Who doesn’t like a candle,” Melchior stated in earlier musings.  They arrived fashionably late, but just in time to witness the birth of Jesus.  All three Magi went down on bended knee in reverence and presented their gifts.  4 oz. frankincense Yankee Candle.  4 oz. myrrh Yankee Candle.  Yet as Caspar exhibited his gifts, a hush swept over the manger.  In one hand was the moderately, yet still delightful pinot noir and the in the other was a solid gold toy lawnmower complete with golden balls that fly around inside a transparent sphere when pushed.  Mary, later documenting the instance, noticed that both Balthasar and Melchior muttered “dick” simultaneously.  And as we all know, baby Jesus was just as powerful as adult Jesus (it is a universally held truth).  Incensed at the cheap and last-minute thought Balthasar and Melchior had put into their respective gifts, baby Jesus smote them on the spot and they fell dead to the ground.*  Caspar, though relieved his gifts were acceptable, quickly left the Christmas party, citing prior obligations with his stepdaughters as an excuse.  And so, the Magi were to be spoken of no more in the great tome that is the Bible.

*Baby Jesus was in reality extremely bratty and often used the “you’re not my real parents” argument to obtain what he wanted.