"Cockblock" Jackson

Myth:  Thomas Jonathan Jackson, notably known as “Stonewall” Jackson, was and still is regarded by many as the second most glorified commander of the Lost Cause of the American Civil War – just behind the illustrious Robert E. Lee.  The Confederate General Jackson received the nickname “Stonewall” after the First Battle of Bull Run, where is military prowess allowed his troops to firmly stand their ground like a stonewall.  Beloved by his troops, and most of the Confederacy for that matter, Jackson was accidentally shot in May of 1863 at the Battle of Chancellorsville by Confederate soldiers.  He died some eight days later due to complications after amputation.  Some historians even argue that the loss of Jackson was one of the main factors for the downfall of the Confederacy following the turning points of Gettysburg and Vicksburg.

Fact:  I return to my expertise of the American Civil War to clear up some blatant fallacies concerning General Jackson.  The origins of his nickname were not as noble as one may think; on the contrary, Jackson garnered the nickname due to his obliviousness in all things romantic.  It was a hurtful nickname, though he was never aware of it.  Service in this most gruesome of wars left men little or no time with the fairer sex, but when the instance arose, men on both sides were fully willing to take advantage of the opportunity.  Just before the First Battle of Bull Run, a bevy of prostitutes arrived at the Confederate camp to increase morale and relieve anxiety.  A private Donald Ashley Sycamore provided the following account:  “About twenty of us were ready to bed down for the evening with the ladies of liberty who had come upon us, when all of a sudden our beloved General burst onto the scene clutching a rusty fiddle and a bag of marshmallows.  Afraid of being scourged, we quietly escorted the women away from the campfire, as we then had to listen to Jackson try and play Stairway to Heaven for seven hours straight – though he never quite got the chords right. We had been mightily stonewalled.”  It must be stressed that the term “stonewall” could be most aptly translated to modern English as meaning to “turn away,” or more crudely, “to cockblock.”  Jackson was a man who believed deeply in the power of male bonding before battle.  He “stonewalled” his troops on several other occasions, the most famous of which was the notorious macaroni and paper plate incident – a craft night before entering the horrors of war.  Just before the battle of Chancellorsville, several of his troops plotted Jackson’s assassination.  They believed he was costing them this war, what with his boy-scout mentality and all.  He could not be allowed to stonewall anymore.  So, the accident was no accident at all.  It was the devious plan of a few lusty Confederates angry with their prudish commander.  This begs a crucial question:  Had Jackson survived, might have the Confederacy won with the mentality of s’mores and male bonding?  The Confederacy was certainly on the right track before Jackson’s men were allowed to “stone” without being “walled” once again.

College Buddhism

Myth:  Siddhartha Gautama, also known as Gautama Buddha, is considered the founder of Buddhism and regarded as the supreme Buddha in most Buddhist sects.  Since historical records of antiquity can be sketchy at best, it is believed that Buddha lived and died somewhere between the 6^th and 4^th centuries BC.  A proponent of the idea of Enlightenment and a life of moderation, Buddha promulgated the basic tenets of modern Buddhism – namely the belief the suffering is ingrained in all peoples’ lives, but one can surpass suffering by way of avoiding a want for identity and sensuality.  Many forms of Buddhism exist today, but most can be labeled as a melting pot of religion and philosophy, all of which promote ideas of devotion, peacefulness, and the rejection of earthly cravings.

Fact:  Siddhartha Gautama, or Buddha, was in fact one of the most materialistic and shallow false prophets of his day.  Born in Nepal to an upper-middle class family living in the suburbs of Kathmandu, he received a private education at an elite boarding school located in nearby Tibet – The Tibetan Country Day School.  As early as boarding school, Buddha’s hypocritical and pedantic nature could be viewed on a day-to-day basis.  One fellow student remarked about an incident during their senior year:  “I was carrying numerous books to class and had to rid myself of a Luna Bar wrapper, so like any sane person I threw the wrapper in a nearby trash can.  All of a sudden I noticed the roar of a Range Rover engine as Buddha skidded to a stop in front of me.  He began screaming at me about the fact that a local recycling bin was located some 45 miles from where I was standing and grilled me as to why I hadn’t walked there to dispose of my Luna Bar wrapper.  I tried to point out the fact that he was driving a Range Rover, but Buddha quickly changed subjects and made a remark about my “sweatshop” made Target shirt I was wearing.  He then promptly told me to ‘Fuck off,’ flicked a burning joint into my face and drove off.  I was simply in awe.”  Buddha graduated with a mere 1.5 GPA, but because of his father’s connections, was able to receive admission to the elite Bombay Liberal Arts University.  He entered as a sociology major, but he often switched majors during those four years until he finally resettled on sociology just before graduation.  Archaeologists have found an old clay tablet that is believed to have belonged to Buddha during his undergraduate tenure.  It is most likely a tally board of sorts that lists the amount of women he slept with while at the University.  Moreover, to promote his name around campus, he facetiously started a religious club called Buddhism – the club was believed to be a front for a large-scale marijuana distribution service for the university.  Since some of the Crafts Club members had slept with Buddha, he demanded that they make “prayer flags” for his dorm room, so that anyone looking to score some weed could find his place of residence simply by following the colorful “prayer flags.”  Buddha ultimately left Bombay with a 0.95 GPA and a major in sociology (his thesis focused on the suffering of the underprivileged in Bombay caused by SUV exhaust).  He never formally applied for a job, but instead lived off the trust fund his father had left him.  A few confused students at Bombay who were obsessed with Buddha’s wealth and supposed “coolness” decided to alter the biography of their idol so that many more might follow the righteous teachings – or rants in this case – of this hated and loved university icon.  There are roughly 350 million Buddhists today, and unbeknownst to them, they are following the teachings of a self-involved, self-righteous sociopath.  Many, especially in America, still emulate the sacred Range Rover Rant on a daily basis.

The Napoleon Complex

Myth:  Napoleon Bonaparte, considered by many to be one of the most brilliant military tacticians of all time, managed to conquer most of mainland Europe at the turn of the 19^th century.  Taking advantage of the upheaval caused by the French Revolution, Bonaparte executed a coup d’etat in 1799, becoming France’s First Consul.  In 1804 Napoleon was named Emperor by the French Senate. Bonaparte and the French Empire took on various armies, notably the greatly respected British military, in their quest to conquer all of Europe.  Bonaparte’s tactics are still studied at numerous military institutions across the globe.

Fact:  Though considered a little shorter than average height for that period of time (at 5’7”), Napoleon’s image as an extremely short man does have credibility.  Due to historical miscalculations, researchers have failed to notice that Napoleon was actually four feet tall.  It is his height, at a mere four feet, that led to Napoleon’s unparalleled success – not his tactical prowess.  Napoleon was a stubborn man and originally rode a large horse into pitched battle, but after much discussion with his officers, he decided to start riding his faithful Shetland Pony, “Pickles,” for two reasons:  1) Napoleon looked like a Ken Doll riding Secretariat, which was just plain creepy, and 2) Riding “Pickles” allowed him to exploit the biggest flaw of standing militaries of the time.  For centuries, infantry stood in long lines on battlefields, aiming their rifles directly in front of them.  It never occurred to any military commander that a soldier might aim at a different angle rather than parallel to the ground.  After deciding to ride Pickles in 1805, the entire French Army simply provided cover fire as Napoleon rode under the enemies’ fire and thrashed at the shins of his opponents with his trusty “saber.”  It should be noted that Napoleon’s saber was actually made from plastic since he was unable to carry a true saber.  In order to boost his ego, Napoleon’s officers often laced his saber with ketchup before battle, thus tricking Bonaparte into thinking he was severing legs.  A page from Lord Cherrywick’s diary (Cherrywick was a commander of a division in the British infantry) underlines how Napoleon was able to defeat his enemies with a plastic sword:  “Like a demon child, Napoleon would thrash repeatedly at my men’s shins, sometimes leaving some nasty scabs.  It stung.  We were surely in a quagmire, as none of my men could fire downward.  After some time I would retire my division, as I could not bare the screams of agony – abrasions were ubiquitous.  War is hell.  And apparently in the form of a circus midget.”  In 1811, an unknown British private was somehow able to aim his rifle at a downward angle while Napoleon charged forward.  Thinking it to be witchcraft, his superior killed him instantly, allowing his army to return to proper battle formation.  Seemingly unstoppable, Napoleon was finally captured at Waterloo due to an ingenious trap.  A Reese’s Pieces croissant was placed outside the French camp, and inevitably, Bonaparte came out atop Pickles.  While sniffing his favorite treat, Napoleon was quickly trapped under a box attached to a string held by several British soldiers.  Bonaparte spent the rest of his life in exile, mourning the death of Pickles.  Just as dogs are unable to digest chocolate, so are Shetland ponies – even if it is the Shetland pony of the French Emperor, Napoleon Bonaparte.

The US Supreme Court: Gavel vs. Gas

Myth:  The United States Supreme Court was established in 1789, along with the ratification of the United States Constitution, as the judiciary arm of the United States government.  Of all three branches of government, to put it into simplistic terms, the judicial branch – in this case, the Supreme Court –is probably the least understood.  Unless one is steeped in the complex mechanisms of United States Constitutional Law, it is as if one is reading ancient Greek.  Numerous legal terms abound, usually in Latin.  Supreme Court Justices serve for life, unlike their executive and legislative counterparts.  In the layman’s eyes it is truly the most peculiar of institutions within the United States government.

Fact:  The Supreme Court, not to mention the plethora of municipal, county and state courts, was deliberately constructed in such a way that the majority of citizens could not understand the proceedings in the slightest.  It is, in short, a protection of the lawyers and judges who thrive in these odd institutions.  This may sound vague so far, but before 1789 and the passing of the Constitution, the legal system was entirely different from what it is today.  Bear with me as I venture into a realm that may seem childish to many at first, but remember, this is all factual history.  Even today, it is taboo to pass gas – or fart, if you will – in church or in a quiet classroom.  Often times one is ostracized at length for doing so.  Before 1789, farting (which is derived from a Latin term meaning “stress under law”) was considered a cardinal sin in the courtroom.  A prime example is John Adams.  A brilliant lawyer and future politician, Adams’ early law career was unsuccessful because he was notoriously “stressed under law” – especially at the end of a trial.  He most likely would’ve won almost every case he took on had he not soiled His Majesty’s courtroom with the stench of injustice during the reading of the final verdict.  Now, after 1789, the taboo of passing gas under the severe pressures of trial proceedings was still the same, but the Founding Fathers found a loophole – utilize loud and alien terms so to mask these case losing instances.  If you have ever been in a courtroom and an attorney randomly blurts out “objection!” this is most likely because said lawyer was covering up a fart; he had become stressed.  The same goes for the invention of the gavel, ironically put into use just after 1789.  There is no need to recall order in a court with a wooden mallet, but there is a need to smother a career-ending string of stresses under law.  The Founding Fathers were comprised of mostly lawyers by trade and they understood the pains of their chosen path; the possibility always loomed of being dismissed because of simple flatulence.  The new American Experiment would not allow for such trivialities.  John Marshall, the fourth Chief Justice of the US and most notably one of the strongest willed justices in American History, was known for his fiery flatulence.  “With strong-will comes strong-winds,” said Ruth Bader Ginsburg of the current Supreme Court.  John Marshall is noted as having blurted out “Habeus Corpus” nearly 100 times during the Marbury v. Madison case, and only those privy to the US’s new system knew that what was said was mere drivel, but to others, it seemed utterly important.  And why the life long service?  As one ages and the mind goes, other justices can simply blame old age on the passing of gas, a more acceptable reason in the courtroom.  So, even though the courtroom can be a vicious lion’s den, underlying it all is a mutual respect between lawyers and judges and the stresses of their lifestyle – the stresses of law.  As Cicero, the great Roman statesman, once said, “Fartere est humanus.”  To stress under law is human.  

The Last Confession of JFK

Myth:  John F. Kennedy, the thirty-fifth President of the United States was assassinated by a supposed lone sniper, Lee Harvey Oswald, in Dallas, Texas on Friday, November 22, 1963.  The mystery surrounding the Kennedy Assassination continues to pique curiosity in many Americans and foreigners alike.  Most believe it was some sort of conspiracy.  Was it CIA?  Was it the Mafia, a continual enemy of both John and Robert Kennedy?  It is a momentous time in American History, as well as on of the greatest unsolved cases of the millennium.

Fact:  As an historian, I am probing into dark territory here – that is, to tell my intelligent and rational readers the truth behind one of history’s greatest mysteries.  As the first Catholic President of the United States, the papacy began to take special interest in JFK.  He was one of their own, and now he was President of the United States.  First, we must look beyond the pomp and circumstance surrounding the papacy and the Catholic Church.  Those frail old leaders of Christendom are not just versed in Theology, they are versed in numerous forms of deadly martial arts.  Most Catholics don’t read the entire catechism of the Church, so many fail to realize that a few passages discuss the training of future priests, or seminarians, in Jiujitsu, Tae Kwan Do and various other Eastern martial arts.  Many others are required to attend either Army Ranger School or Navy Seal Training.  Looking back to antiquity, St. Peter, the first pope of the Catholic Church, was the only Apostle not to be crucified without a fight.  Maximus Gaius, a Roman legionnaire present at the scene of St. Peter’s capture, described the following:  “The old man gracefully slipped out of his tunic to reveal the frame and build of a gladiator – he was cut from marble.  About five attempted to subdue him, but they wound up at his feet, motionless.  My centurion was cut in half by his bare hand, his bare hand!”  As a Catholic myself, I have experienced the six-pack abs of the Church.  During my rite of Confirmation, I remember shaking the hand of the priest.  It was an almost unbearable handshake due to the sheer strength of this seemingly humble priest.  I was curious about myriad scars that marked his rough hands and asked what had happened.  He had simply replied that “[he] had fell down some stairs.”  I knew he had been brawling.  Now, back to JFK.  Many of us remember his alleged lurid affairs with the likes of Marilyn Monroe and others.  And in light of this, there is one thing the Church cannot tolerate over many other transgressions, promiscuity and sex out of wedlock.  He was a powerful Catholic sending the wrong moral signals; he had to be taken out.  Not only had the current reigning pope, Pope John VI, institute the more liberal and controversial changes that came with Vatican II, but he was also the originator of a new form of deadly combat – The Martial Art of Mary, said to be the most deadly of their bare-handed martial skills.  Lee Harvey Oswald was not who he said he was, for his true name was Lucenzo Andolina, a former Archbishop of Abruzzo, graduate of Army Sniper School and a blackbelt in “The Way of Mary.”  JFK perished at the hands of the Church he so embraced, but he had sinned.  We all make fun of the sinister appearance of the present Pope Benedict XVI because of his conspicuous black bags under the eyes.  But those black bags under his eyes are neither due to age or stress, they are simply black eyes he received during relentless training.  He could snap you like a twig.

Solomon's Temple of Tourette's

Myth:  King Solomon, one of many prominent figures in the Old Testament and son of King David, was the third king of the ancient Kingdom of Israel.  A possible ancestor of Jesus Christ, King Solomon reigned for forty years from 971 BC to 931 BC.  And though it is difficult to determine the historical accuracy of such a life, Solomon is still well remembered for his wisdom and as the purported architect of the first temple of Jerusalem.  One of the great stories attributed to Solomon is his dealing with two women battling over the rights of a newborn.  Solomon suggested cutting the living baby in two, thus revealing the true mother who would rather see the child live than see it die before her own eyes.  Solomon rewards the compassionate woman by returning her offspring.

Fact:  After much dogged research, it has come to my attention that Solomon, a true historical figure, suffered severely from what today we would call OCD (or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).  As it is a genetic disease, one need look no further than his father, David, and the account of David slaying Goliath with a mere rock and slingshot.  David did have access to numerous swords in which to slay Goliath, but since swords often changed hands David was weary about contracting a disease, so he went with his trusty slingshot that he knew no one else had laid a finger on.  Purell hand sanitizer might have altered this tremendous story had it existed in antiquity.  Inevitably, Solomon inherited this affliction from his renowned but fastidious father; however, Solomon’s manifestation of OCD differed greatly from David’s.  Not a germaphobe like his father, Solomon suffered from mental distractions, often needing to do activities in multiples of two.  He often had to touch things twice, which made saying goodbye to his concubines a harrowing task, often lasting hours before he could leave the palace.  The previously mentioned story, often called the Judgment of Solomon, was not a display of wisdom, but rather the first noted case of OCD.  The tale differs greatly from historical fact – a fact that is much grislier than the accepted piece of lore.  Solomon did in fact cut the baby in two since this act appeased his OCD for the time being.  Tapping each side of the baby twice, he then gave the two halves to the two supposed mothers, completely unaware of the horror that swept the crowd since his OCD had been so completely fulfilled.  And though the original Temple of Solomon was destroyed in the 6^th century BC, we do have access to the accounts of Solomon’s chief contractor which further characterizes his debilitating disorder:  “He was blatantly specific that all stairs leading to the temple could only be constructed as a pair of steps, thereby providing no way into the temple itself.  After much argument with the King, I left in resignation and proceeded to construct pairs of steps all around the temple that led nowhere.  After it’s completion I would often see Solomon muttering to himself at two in the morning, quickly going up and down the steps for hours on end.  He was, uh, he was weird.”  On his deathbed, his most beloved wife held his hand one last time before leaving, but just before she exited the room, Solomon muttered with all his might, “Bitch.  Get back here.  You touched my hand only once.”  She returned and grabbed his hand once more as her husband slowly closed his eyes and expired.

Beads, Boobies and the Battle of New Orleans

Myth:  The Battle of New Orleans, the final major battle of the War of 1812, took place on January 8, 1815.  Though a peace treaty had already been accepted, news of this would not reach New Orleans until February, nearly a month after the battle occurred – though the battle is still regarded as momentous as it proved the Americans were a force to be dealt with in the international realm.  Outnumbered by the British, the US forces, led by Major General Andrew Jackson (of jogging fame if you’ve been reading previous posts), secured a victory most often attributed to the tactical prowess of Jackson and the fighting spirit of the beleaguered Americans.

Fact:  There is much more to this great battle than traditional fighting techniques and major generals obsessed with jogging.  The British, still considered the greatest standing army at the time, were not simply beaten by American tenacity, but rather seduced and conquered by a great ruse concocted by one of Jackson’s Creole underlings.  Old Joggin’ Hickory listened intently to Private Blanchett Boulivier Bonduit-Boucher’s ingenious plan:  “Sir, we have no chance of defeating the British on fair terms, so I propose a plan that combines my people’s traditional festivities with the one great weakness of the British – their soap-white skin.  As I’m sure you know, my people celebrate Mardi Gras or Carnivale, Fat Tuesday in English, sir.  And there is one thing my people, and this may be a stretch, but all peoples, cannot resist – showing their tits for plastic beads.  With this sunny and humid climate here in New Orleans, the British will melt like witches once a piece of their skin makes contact with their most fearsome enemy, the Sun.  It’s worth the risk.”  As an added bonus, the British were running on a low war treasury, so the mere sight of doubloons and pearls, even if made of plastic, would send the British into a frenzy, toppling each other over for these “priceless” treasures.  On the cloudless morning or January 8^th, the plan commenced.  Twelve American warships entered the Gulf of Mexico, headed by a very large ship festooned with all things gaudy.  The British, already taken aback by this display of flamboyance, were exponentially awed by what they saw next.  Major General Andrew Jackson sat at the helm, wearing nothing but a head of Indian feathers and a coconut bra; but he was armed to the teeth with beads of all colors.  The British were vanquished and didn’t even know it yet.  British captains, admirals and seamen alike all started screaming and undressing themselves in order to show their pasty man-boobs to the “Mardi Gras King” Jackson.  As expected, the sun burnt them so mercilessly that within minutes the majority of British troops and sailors lay on the ground in agony.  As they writhed in pain, attempting to apply aloe vera as quickly as possible, they were met with the sound of cannonball fire.

Nowadays, this historical fact is often overlooked.  But the next time you show your boobies for some beads in New Orleans, make sure you salute a soldier in thanks.