Solomon's Temple of Tourette's

Myth:  King Solomon, one of many prominent figures in the Old Testament and son of King David, was the third king of the ancient Kingdom of Israel.  A possible ancestor of Jesus Christ, King Solomon reigned for forty years from 971 BC to 931 BC.  And though it is difficult to determine the historical accuracy of such a life, Solomon is still well remembered for his wisdom and as the purported architect of the first temple of Jerusalem.  One of the great stories attributed to Solomon is his dealing with two women battling over the rights of a newborn.  Solomon suggested cutting the living baby in two, thus revealing the true mother who would rather see the child live than see it die before her own eyes.  Solomon rewards the compassionate woman by returning her offspring.

Fact:  After much dogged research, it has come to my attention that Solomon, a true historical figure, suffered severely from what today we would call OCD (or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).  As it is a genetic disease, one need look no further than his father, David, and the account of David slaying Goliath with a mere rock and slingshot.  David did have access to numerous swords in which to slay Goliath, but since swords often changed hands David was weary about contracting a disease, so he went with his trusty slingshot that he knew no one else had laid a finger on.  Purell hand sanitizer might have altered this tremendous story had it existed in antiquity.  Inevitably, Solomon inherited this affliction from his renowned but fastidious father; however, Solomon’s manifestation of OCD differed greatly from David’s.  Not a germaphobe like his father, Solomon suffered from mental distractions, often needing to do activities in multiples of two.  He often had to touch things twice, which made saying goodbye to his concubines a harrowing task, often lasting hours before he could leave the palace.  The previously mentioned story, often called the Judgment of Solomon, was not a display of wisdom, but rather the first noted case of OCD.  The tale differs greatly from historical fact – a fact that is much grislier than the accepted piece of lore.  Solomon did in fact cut the baby in two since this act appeased his OCD for the time being.  Tapping each side of the baby twice, he then gave the two halves to the two supposed mothers, completely unaware of the horror that swept the crowd since his OCD had been so completely fulfilled.  And though the original Temple of Solomon was destroyed in the 6^th century BC, we do have access to the accounts of Solomon’s chief contractor which further characterizes his debilitating disorder:  “He was blatantly specific that all stairs leading to the temple could only be constructed as a pair of steps, thereby providing no way into the temple itself.  After much argument with the King, I left in resignation and proceeded to construct pairs of steps all around the temple that led nowhere.  After it’s completion I would often see Solomon muttering to himself at two in the morning, quickly going up and down the steps for hours on end.  He was, uh, he was weird.”  On his deathbed, his most beloved wife held his hand one last time before leaving, but just before she exited the room, Solomon muttered with all his might, “Bitch.  Get back here.  You touched my hand only once.”  She returned and grabbed his hand once more as her husband slowly closed his eyes and expired.