Tiny Flag

This week History Bros isn’t taking money from an advertiser, like Mazda (Zoom-Zoom-Bada-Boom-Dingaling-Bing-Bong), but rather we’d like to draw attention to a serious medical issue facing some brave souls in this country: brachymetatarsia. Brachymetatarsia is a debilitating condition when one of the five long bones in the foot is unusually short, generally the fourth toe, and occurs in both feet. Sometimes, for some fucked up reason, it only occurs in one foot, making it all that more apparent when wearing sandals. People with this sinister genetic disability face cringe-inducing questions like: “What the hell happened to your toe?” or the common “Ah, that’s super weird!” Sometimes it hurts when a sufferer runs; other times it hurts emotionally when someone stares at it. Brachymetatarsia: Be aware, don’t stare.

And in a terrible segue, please welcome our guest, Francis Scott Key!

FSK: Ah, what happened to your toe!?

HB: You owned slaves!

FSK: Touché.

HB: Frank, you were inspired by the American flag still standing after the barrage at Fort McHenry in 1814 by the British, and subsequently wrote The Star-Spangled Banner. What moved you?

FSK: I was actually inspired by how small the flag was. Like, one of those flags you put on your desk or a free one given out by the local VFW on Memorial Day.

HB: Ah, no shit! That tiny?

FSK: Yeah, super tiny. And there were bets going around amongst the British about which boat’s cannon crew could hit it first.

HB: Like a game of HORSE with a tiny desk flag and metal objects that can kill someone?

FSK: Exactly. If it weren’t for the douchy competitiveness amongst the British, we may have lost that battle, possibly the war.

HB: “Oh, say can you see…”

FSK: Right, right! Can YOU see it? I can’t. It’s like a little dot in the distance.

HB: So it was classic irony?

FSK: Yeah, I was in this phase of writing poetry that was more avant-garde. “Whose broad stripes and bright stars…” They weren’t broad. Right? It was a tiny flag!

HB: Yeah, I get it. Pushing the boundaries and reading between the lines.

FSK: “O’er the land of the free…” Again, it’s a tiny flag, so that’s funny. Plus, I owned slaves, so who’s free? It’s classic irony. You pointed that out earlier… Can I share a new one I’m working on?

HB: Be my guest.

FSK: Ok, this is titled, “Beneath my feet are the dead”

HB: Wow, that’s super deep.

FSK: “Don’t, pause, stop, until I’m dead. Breaking sun, moon, all in red. Blood. Death. Where is my mother…”

HB: That’s great, Frank.

FSK: There’s more.

HB: No, I get it.

FSK: Your toe’s weird.

HB: Get the fuck out of here. Again, you owned slaves!

FSK: Your toe’s like a tiny flag.

HB: Your mom’s a tiny flag! Get out!