The Little Mac

Civil War Bros is back from vacation in Tallahassee, Florida, at the beautiful and underrated La Quinta Inn.  After a much needed respite, we meet with one of Lincoln's replaced generals: the meticulous George B. McClellan.  His brief tenure as general-in-chief of the Union Army, covering only 5 months in 1861 and 1862, left him with a slight chip on his shoulder.  Something he's exhibiting right now, as I see him parking his 1991 Toyota Tercel in the studio's only handicapped spot.  Harry from the Lou Gehrig's Disease foundation, with whom we share office space, will certainly not be pleased.  All that aside, let's chat with "Little Mac."

CWB:  Mac, nice to have you here today.  I'll keep it short so you don't get towed.

GM:  There's literally no one else in the parking lot.

CWB:  It's the principle, George.

CWB:  Alright, so, you're middle name is Brinton.

GM:  It is.

CWB:  Sounds like a faucet brand.

GM:  It does.

CWB:  The nickname "Little Mac," how do you feel about that?

GM:  Used to bother me a bit, but soon realized how my height and size played to my advantage when it came to shoe supplies.

CWB:  What size shoe do you wear?

GM:  Six.

CWB:  Is that even possible?

GM:  Yes, and while the other generals bumbled about for shoes during trying days, I received no infections because of an endless supply of sixes.

CWB:  I'm assuming all is proportional.

GM:  I have a large penis!

CWB:  You came right out of the gates with that one, and I'm sure it is.  Penises aside, what happened with the Peninsular Campaign?  Most say you were too timid and rigid in your approach, often leaving large portions of your army unused.

GM:  I exercised what I believed to be the necessary caution.  Was I over wary?  Sometimes.  Do I regret it?  No.  Am I asking a lot of rhetorical questions?  Yes.  Do I need to ask one more because I have OCD and need to do things in multiples of four?  Yes.  OK.

CWB:  You have OCD?!  So do I!  Quick, OCD-off.  Ten bucks says mine is milder than yours.  I'm putting out four pennies, emblazoned with your favorite man there, Lincoln, and all but one are heads up.  I can wait.

GM:  Waiting.

CWB:  Lincoln fired you.

GM:  Fuck, alright, I need to turn it.  Please get those off the desk.

CWB:  Ten dollars, Mac.

GM:  I can tell your OCD is less numerically oriented, seems unfair.  Plus you're wearing that SARS mask.

CWB:  I don't know what you brought in here!

CWB:  Stones of Beatles?

GM:  Rush.

CWB:  Ugh.  Alright, follow-up.  Nirvana or Green Day?

GM:  Rancid.

CWB:  Georgie, don't be that guy.

CWB:  You decided to run against Lincoln in the 1864 presidential election.  In hindsight, did that seem like an idiotic move?  I mean, the man is generally regarded as our greatest president.

GM:  At the time, I thought I had a chance.  He was unpopular and his approval ratings were abysmal.

CWB:  Daniel Day-Lewis portrayed him in the movie Lincoln.  Daniel Day-Lewis doesn't just play anyone.  He either plays God or Lincoln.  Side note: was the voice a little too muppety?

GM:  It was actually extremely close.  I'd even have gone as far as to say that it needed to be more whiny.

CWB:  Easy Lil' Mac, this is America.  Arby's and Lincoln.  You are not on two pieces of US currency.

CWB:  One more about Lincoln.  Thaddeus Stevens, played wonderfully by aging Texan Tommy Lee Jones, in bed with his black housemaid, true or false?

GM:  True.

CWB:  I knew it!

CWB:  Georgie, thank you for stopping by...and your car windows are being shattered by an enraged Harry.  McClellan is now unsheathing is sidearm, running outside, and I am calling the police.