Welcome back to a titillating episode of History Bros brought to you by the all-new Pontiac Aztek - Pontiac still makes me these things, no joke. Is it a truck or jeep? Doesn't matter because it's not relevant. Pontiac Aztek, spelled with a k. And speaking of unnecessary spelling changes, we have the distinguished General Nathaneal Greene of Revolutionary War fame as our guest today. A private militiaman who catapulted himself up the ranks to the role of Commander of the South, only to become one of Washington's closest confidants. If General Greene changes his name to the correct "Nathaniel," History Bros will give him a burnt orange 2014 Pontiac Aztek.
HB: General Greene, first off, we can't give you a new Pontiac Aztek; that was a lie. We do, however, have this Metlife pen, but again, you have to change your name.
NG: No deal. It'd be a dishonor to my father.
HB: No pen. Good call though because it's completely out of ink, and as I'm suffering from strep throat and tend to chew on my pens, you probably would've died days later.
HB: Nathanael. Odd spelling. Were your parents new-age and, follow-up, do you have a brother named Aydan?
NG: My father was a farmer, smith and devout Quaker.
HB: So, yes, they were new-age. Oatmeal?
NG: What?
HB: Ok. Hey, did your father craft tables out of used fixed-gear bicycle wheels? Or, even better, manufacture stools with inlaid tops of a Quaker Steel Cut Oatmeal cartons as faux-cushions?
NG: (Sigh). Yes.
HB: Oh, holy shit. I was joking. Really?
NG: Yeah. My parents were insufferable douches. I ate seitan every morning, day and night. Their lofty, misplaced ideals overshadowed my chronic anemia. I smelled at school, and the headmaster even resorted to calling me Nookie Nathan. It was an awful childhood.
HB: Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Wait, Nookie Nathan?
NG: He had just heard Limp Bizkit at the time; he was an idiot. For some reason all the other kids went with it.
HB: Why not change the name then? Release yourself from that period.
NG: Because fuck them, right?
HB: General Greene has just channeled Good Will Hunting. He went with the wrench.
NG: As soon as I was of age, I picked up and joined the Continental Army as a militia private. It was the only way out of that hellhole.
HB: Yes, I have some papers here detailing your time in basic training. 68 demerits. 15 fights. You fired your musket at pointblank range at your bunkmate's care package from his mother . And, last but not least, you British teabagged all of your bunkmates' faces at least once. What is a British teabagging anyway?
NG: You put your balls in black pudding and marmite, and then slap someone's face with them.
HB: That's pretty sick, Nookie.
NG: I was an angry kid, but I slowly evolved. I learned to channel the hatred from my childhood and unleash it on the battlefield.
HB: How many British teabags did British regulars receive during the revolution?
NG: 58.
HB: That is impressive, sir.
HB: A lot of place names in America are derived from your name. That's quite an honor.
NG: They drop the e most of the time, so it's basically a backhanded compliment.
HB: It'd be like going to "New Orlns" for Mardi Gras.
NG: Sounds Slovak.
HB: I think it is.
HB: General, since we're running a little behind, do you mind if I eat my lunch during the rest of the interview?
NG: Not an issue. Wait, what is that? What the hell is that?!
HB: Um, red pepper hummus.
NG: You are not my father! Get out of my way, man!
HB: Mmm. It seems my hummus has sent Nookie wildly running through the halls, and now outside, past the parking lot, and... Oh shit. He was just hit by, what seems to be a car... Hey! It's a Pontiac Aztek! That's definitely a jeep. Oh, I can't tell.
HB: Well, it seems that General Greene is still harboring child terrors after all of these years. Thankfully, the driver of the Aztek was able to fold the back into a makeshift bed of a truck and haul the General to St. Mary's. He'll be fine. Thanks all for joining, and remember that we are all products of our childhood. See you in Greensboro.
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