Meh. MacDonald.

Myth:  Canadian patriot and galvanizing politician, Sir John A. Macdonald holds the title of first Prime Minister of Canada, overseeing the newly independent British dominion.  Born in rough-and-tumble Glasgow, Scotland, Macdonald’s family immigrated to present-day Ontario while John was still a boy.  After years practicing law, Macdonald quickly rose to political prominence in the colonial legislature of British North America.  Amid the chaotic colonial infrastructure, in which many political parties rose and fell, Macdonald agreed to party unification with longtime political rival, George Brown.  As a leading figure among his coalition counterparts, Macdonald spurred his countrymen into action, resulting in the birth of the Canadian nation on July 1^st, 1867.  Though some intrigue pockmarked his illustrious career – including corruption charges concerning the Canadian Pacific Railway – Macdonald served as Prime Minister for the majority of his remaining days.

Fact:  As a historical scholar, I must stress, that like all historians, little is known about Canadian history.  This lack of knowledge stems from the fact that it is…Canadian history.  That being said, John Macdonald was indeed born in the remarkable and noteworthy nation of Scotland.  As a young Scottish boy he partook in weekly swordfights, the rescuing of princesses, and of course, taming dragons and killing Englishmen.  Then, something transpired that would scar young John for the entirety of his life: his family immigrated to Canada.  Aboard a bland, creaking ship with only a Tim Horton’s providing sustenance, the Macdonald clan slogged forward to their new home of present-day Kingston, Ontario.  There was some ice.  Some snow.  They even espied a moose shitting on the tundra.  John’s father, hoping to assimilate to British North American norms, built a one-story rancher with one window, for as the Canadian proverb goes: “Canadians have one window, while God has two.  Deal with it.”  John entered law at an early age, quickly grasping the finer details of British North American law and proving himself a worthy barrister, but not too worthy, mediocrely worthy.  Young Macdonald’s greatest case was the prosecution of a Canadian menace, “The Toddler Who Accidentally Stole Some Chewing Gum.”  The final arguments, detailing Macdonald’s persuasiveness, are as follows:  JM: “Jury, please accept my apologies for this trial taking place.  I’m sorry.  And Toddler Who Accidentally Stole Some Chewing Gum of great notoriety, I’m sorry for wasting your time.  That is all.  Oh, and your honor…I’m sorry.” Toddler: “My deepest apologies.” Judge: “I’m sorry.  Toddler, you are hereby, regretfully, sentenced to no dessert for one week.  With deepest sympathies, court is adjourned.  Oh my, that gavel was loud, I apologize.”  Such passion and conviction were but precursors to the political genius that would be Prime Minister John A. Macdonald.  Most of John’s success can be attributed to the fact that he was a bit more aggressive than his legislative counterparts.  He could be so daring as to ask for a second helping of Canada’s notoriously rich cuisine at political functions, adding another round of potatoes, sleet and a side of mashed potatoes to his plate.  Such boldness and cavalierism imbued him with a sense purpose and want to ask the British High Crown the question that politely stayed in the back of the minds of most Canadians: “May we, if it’s not too much trouble, govern ourselves?  I mean, I’m sorry, but yeah.”  Even his nemesis, George Brown and his gaudy off-white house WITH garage, never fathomed such audacity.  To the utter shock of John and the legislature, the British simply replied that they had been waiting decades for them to ask for autonomy, but it had to come from a Canadian, thereby proving Canada capable of confronting…anything.  Macdonald spent his remaining days serving as Prime Minister of Canada and practicing a normal Canadian civil servant routine: skating to and from work (and at work if possible), hiding under his desk, not watching pornography and sobbing whenever he dictated to his secretary (often resulting in a mandatory make-up make out session and tickets to Oklahoma!).  Macdonald, however, was unaware of the threat that would terrify his descendants in decades to come.  A breed of people more French than the French – a phrase synonymous with “complete dick.”  Quebecois.