The Six Trophy Wives of Henry VIII

Myth:  King Henry VIII of England, reigning from 1509 to1547, is best known for his separation from the Roman Catholic Church, and in relation to his break with the Church, the six wives he bedded during his reign – including numerous mistresses.  It is often the contention of many historians that the reason for his fickleness with his wives, including the beheading of two of them, had to do with the their inability to provide him with a male heir to the throne (though it is now proposed that Henry, genetically speaking, was the reason).  Breaking from the Catholic tradition gave him more freedom to search for a woman capable of providing him with a male heir to the throne of England.

Fact:  Henry VIII’s father, Henry VII, was a renowned litigator at Merrill Lynch before ascending to the throne, and it is because of this fast-paced litigator lifestyle that his son was imbued with the same qualities of a shrewd, coke-loving lawyer/business executive.  Contrary to years of interpretation, Henry VIII didn’t care much for the throne, and to a lesser degree, the survival of his lineage.  He had no time for children, for he too strived for what his father had striven for – the perfect life of a corporate douche (to be a douche during the early 16^th century was to be a man of honor).  The Roman Catholic Church was nothing more than an itch that needed to be scratched – a hierarchy of “holy” men who denounced the life of douchery, at least at a superficial level.  The previous merger with the Church centuries before had to be eliminated; Henry VIII’s lifestyle was being smothered, not to mention his stock options were entirely limited.  The six wives of Henry VIII is simply an extension of his acquired lifestyle.  He was a man who coveted the best of life, or the trophies of life, if you will.  He needed his trophy wives.  As this was the early to mid 1500s, the aging of women was much more apparent and occurred at a much faster pace.  Catherine of Aragon, his first wife, had reached non-trophy status after a lengthy twenty years – quite a feat for a trophy wife at the time.  Anne Boleyn, the most famous of Henry’s six wives, became an “aged hag” after only three years.  Her remarkably quick aging instigated the demotion of Henry VIII from Senior Vice President to Junior Vice President at Merrill Lynch – a slap in the face to Henry’s status as a mover and shaker.  It must be reiterated that the kinghsip paled in comparison to his status at “The Merr Lynch.”  So embarrassed by this “most quick rusting of a refined trophy,” Henry had her beheaded with the consent of Merrill Lynch’s Chairman and CEO.  Four wives later, King Henry died a happy bachelor at the retirement age of 55 with a 401k plan that not even Shakespeare could have fathomed.  So, the next time you seek advice from Merrill Lynch, remember that you are dealing with royalty and the most refined sense of douchery, aged to perfection over centuries and centuries.