The Fierce Fashion of Robert E. Lee

Myth:  General Robert E. Lee, the commanding general of Confederate forces during the Civil War by 1864, was and still is considered one of the greatest and genteel military men in US History – in both the South and North.  Sought after by the Union before the War Between the States erupted, Lee was an accomplished tactician and overall military virtuoso, graduating near the top of his 1829 West Point class.  Many of the early Confederate victories in and around Virginia are often attributed to Lee’s unmistakable prowess.

Fact:  Robert E. Lee was a terrible tactician, had little, if no, military skill, and most notably, was the creator of so many of the present day Southern white stereotypes.  His successful campaigns can be attributed to his junior officers’ quick thinking and ability to gently dismiss the ideas of their commanding general (Lee would often faint and/or swoon if an idea of his was smugly dismissed).  Notes from several pre-battle meetings have survived the one hundred and fifty year period, highlighting Robert’s proclivity to utilize Southern culture as a means to defeat his Northern foe.  Before the Battle of Fredericksburg, Lee is noted as saying the following:  “Alright men, I have learned from our scouts that the Yankees our low on coffee and tea.  So, what we must do is conduct a covert operation in which we extract all the sugar from their “Sweet Tea,” leaving them delirious from the lack of a tasty beverage during the trials of war.”  In order to humor Lee, two junior officers feigned a mission in which they supposedly stole all of the Sweet Tea from Union lines.  Lee later wrote in his memoirs, “Sweet Tea was the deciding factor on that brisk December day in Fredericksburg.”  Another one of Robert’s brilliant covert operations occurred two days before the Second Battle of Bull Run.  “Gentlemen, Union officers are throwing a gala a few miles from the battlefield at the Ashley Winston Dolores Creighton VIII’s mansion this evening.  I would like a team of no more than ten men to steal all of the neon Croakies, Rainbow sandals and pleated khakis from the wardrobes of those officers.  How then, will they be able to put their sunglasses on the back of their necks?  Morale will be so low the next day that the Yanks will surely capitulate.”  This plan was actually directly opposed by a brigadier general, resulting in the fainting of Robert E. Lee into his aide de camp’s arms.  Jefferson Davis, president of the Confederacy, was privy to Robert’s shortcomings, but still admired his general for his adamant attachment to white Southern culture.  “He truly is terrible, but hot damn, does he make a great mint julep on a humid afternoon.”  Robert E. Lee may not have been the brilliant tactician many have believed him to be, but his soul still resonates in all the fraternity houses across the South.  The South may have lost the war, but not it’s style.  Thank you, Robert.