Cake Catastrophe

Myth:  The French Revolution, approximately covering a time period of about a decade, was an Enlightenment-inspired response to the centuries of absolute monarchical rule, aristocratic privileges and the general subjugation of the lower classes.  Fueled by financial issues and overall malnutrition of much of the French populace, tensions came to a head on July 14^th, 1789, as commoners and idealists alike stormed the Bastille in Paris.  Subsequently, The Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen was drafted as a document that embodied the spirit of the Enlightenment and the inalienable rights afforded to all men of France.  The period, however, was plagued with terror, especially from 1793 to 1794 as the Jacobins executed thousands for dissent with the blade of the dreaded guillotine.  In spite of this, the French revolution ultimately inspired the creation of a liberal democracy in France, as well as many other European countries that followed suit.

Fact:  We have here a situation that was in fact very simplistic, but was muddled and convoluted by the work of inept historians.  The Enlightenment did in fact exist, but very few of the French, commoner and noble alike, cared much for this drivel.  Most of France at the time, and even today, cared about only two things:  pronunciation and pastries.  I call this the “two P’s” that dominate French history and culture.  Though it has been disputed that Marie Antoinette said, “Let them eat cake” when confronted with the issue of the starving French masses, this is most certainly true.  This is, quite simply, the match that lit the revolution.  First off, Antoinette was Austrian – a strike against her among French opinion.  Furthermore, even though she had resided in France for many years at this point, her pronunciation of proper French was remedial at best. *   The several hundred French who had heard her say this phrase were incensed when she improperly uttered the work cake, or gateau in French, so the populace went ballistic.  Not only had she sounded like a mooing cow, but she had also desecrated one of the most sacred words in the French language.  She had committed a classic “double P” offense – terribly mispronouncing a delicious French dessert/pastry.  With this part cleared up, we can now move on to the other glaring contradictions.  Quite simply, the creation of a liberal democracy was merely a front to other European nations so as not create suspicion that the uprising was “doube P” based – something the English highly suspected at the time.  The Reign of Terror that ensued was, also quite simply, a means of cleansing the French population of poor French speakers and vegans – most of the time the victims were accused of both.  As added insult to injury, the Jacobins acquired the guillotine from another despised group among them, the Jews, as a means of execution.  Interestingly, the guillotine was originally invented as a mass circumcision tool – a means of efficiency for Jewish families with more than three sons.  Today, one can still see the effects of the French Revolution.  Pronunciation is perfect, or near perfect, in 99% of the population and the French pastry industry is thriving.  All pastries continue to be made with cream and all things dairy, so the vegan traveler must beware so as to not arouse suspicion and end up a victim of the guillotine.

*  To be fair, even if her pronunciation was perfect, it still would not have been “perfect” due to her non-French, Austrian heritage