The Little Magician

Myth:  Martin Van Buren, the eight president of the United States, was a man deeply tied with and a propagator of the burgeoning “machine politics” systems, in which party loyalty was an increasing concern.  Just as we see the beast this ideology has created these days within America’s two-party system, Van Buren was a strong proponent of the “spoils” systems we see in all of world politics:  If you are loyal, you shall be rewarded with more and more power.  His ability to exploit “machine politics” and to organize statewide organizations earned him the nickname “The Little Magician.”  He served only one term, however, due to continued economic worry during his tenure as president.  Sadly, he is one of the lesser-known presidents in the saga of the American Presidency.

Fact:  Martin Van Buren was not just some 5’6”, obscure president with fantastic muttonchops – he was in the truest sense, a real-life little magician.  The first president not to be of British descent – his first language was Dutch – he was adamant about making a name for himself despite his diminutive stature.  And if there are two things the Dutch are known for, they are wooden clogs and magic.  With such a prominent predecessor as Andrew Jackson, Van Buren knew he had to turn to his magical Dutch roots in order to distinguish himself among the political giants of the mid-19^th century.  Sadly, he was a terrible magician, and the nickname continued as a matter of jest.  The economic maladies of the time did indeed limit Van Buren to one term, but it was precisely because of his obsession with magic that the economy went wildly unchecked during this period of time.  He often fumbled cards during cabinet meetings; he would accidentally kill around five rabbits per week; and because of his queer Dutch accent, he was even unable to pronounce “Hocus Pocus” correctly.  He was once embarrassingly pulled out of a tub of water when his Secretary of State noticed that after ten minutes had passed while he was still chained and padlocked, Van Buren began thrashing his tiny feet in a desperate attempt to alert others that he was drowning.  This all happened in the company of the top British ambassador to the United States.  Andrew Jackson even noted that his political ally and friend “[Martin] is a fine politician, but his damn parlor tricks are keeping this new nation from the international respect it deserves.”   Nicholas I, tsar of Russia at the time, witnessed Van Buren attempt to jump from the top of the White House and come away unscathed.  Nicholas’s account is as follows:  “The short, stocky little man dropped like a rock and hit the ground with a thud.  After several minutes of no movement, his aides came to his side to find that he had fractured six ribs, broken both arms, one leg, and lost one of his muttonchops.”  It is true he was a great organizer, but the nickname is often misinterpreted as a clever appellation, when it should actually be taken very literally.  Before stepping down from the presidency, Van Buren declared that he would make “slavery disappear.”  Had he held on one more year, instead of dying in 1862, he would have been able to triumphantly say “Tada!”